The Paper (NBC) Transcript

Hello, and welcome back
to Dueling Pencils,

the only podcast where one
story always has two sides.

Today, filling in for my usual
co-host is Esmeralda Grand,

editor of TTT Online.

Thank you, Ned. [screaming]
Ciao, Toledo, I love you.

Today's topic is fragrances.

Are they a must
or are they a bust?

Let's find out.

I say if I can smell you

before I can see you,

you're making a big mistake.

Same. Agree. Good point, Ned.

You're also welcome
to offer a counterpoint.

Oh, I thought because
they were both pencils...

No, they're dueling pencils.

Of course they're doodling,
they're pencils.

Not doodling, dueling pencils.

- What's "dueling"?
- Dueling is fighting.

Your people invented it.

Did you listen to the episodes
that I sent you?

Or read the name of the podcast?
It's on the mug.

Why not call it "Pen and
Pencil"? Those are opposites.

Just disagree with me.
I say, "Fragrances are bad."

- You say...
- Fragrances are good

and you smell like sh*t.

I win. Next topic.

Welcome to Dueling Pencils.
My usual co-host is out today,

so I am joined by local
radio legend, Salty Peanuts.

It's Salty Peanuts,
WBRT, the Bert.

We're not on that right now.

Fragrances is the topic
of the day,

and Salty, I don't like 'em.

Yeah, fragrances, you know what,
fragrances and rights.

Women have too many
of both of them, eh?

These opinions, by the way,
are mine alone,

and are not shared by
WBRT, the Bert.

Ned: You're an awful person.
- I know.

I know.

Welcome to Dueling Pencil.

I am your host Ned Sampson,

and today's topic is:
fragrances.

Listener, I don't like 'em.
But also, I get it.

[sighs]

[The Scrantone's "Song From The
Ninth Floor" playing]

Ned: I haven't felt great
the last two weeks.

I'm not sure what it is.

[sneezes]

Might be connected to
the flu shot

that Ann made us all get
to protect Marv.

I mean, I'll feel bad
if that's what it is

because it seems
kind of anti-vaxx.

My body is usually
very pro-science.

A parasite
from the cat that I got

to make my apartment feel
less lonely. [blows nose]

That's been
the worst part, though.

Everyone in the office
finding out about me and Mare

at the same time we broke up.

- How long have you been there?
- As long as you need me.

- You're gonna get through this.
Adelola: Father God,

I just commit Ned Sampson
in your hands.

[laughing] No.
I'm not praying for him.

He just patted me
on the back yesterday,

and I hate that,
so this is payback.

Okay. You're good.
And you will get through this.

You are strong.

Mare: Yeah, the rumors
died down. Which is nice.

Except for the Joe Burrow one,
but I don't really mind that.

It's been okay.

Yeah,
I talked to Ned a week ago?

Week and a half?

Um...

So I've been working with Todd

on this big investigative story
that should be front page,

so it's kind of hard to think
about anything else.

You know,
I think it's for the best.

Things were just getting
so weird.

[chuckles]

Ooh! Look at you

handing off files
like a little badass.

It's just paperwork.

I bet you could lift
so much paper.

[H.R. Lisa giggles]

It's 8:45 in the morning.

I'm so bad.

Detrick.

Detrick:
I see. Everyone sees.

[H.R. Lisa giggles]

These last couple of weeks
have been incredible.

Ned and I,
we've been going really hard

on this Glass Club
railing story.

Ned: Oh, yeah,
Detrick's kicking butt.

We show the final draft
to the lawyers today

and then it hits the stands.

Turns out, Desmond Sandoval
was serving tables

on the day of the tornado.

But it wasn't a tornado
or m*rder that got him.

A gust of wind grabbed a napkin
from his tray,

- threw it off the roof.
- [blows]

- He chased it and fell...
- [clatters]

...because the railing
was too low.

Ned said
it was better than m*rder.

He said it was
pervasive bribery

in the City Building
Inspection Department.

And that's our story.

- [H.R. Lisa laughs]
- Okay, stop it. Stop it.

- [elevator dings]
- [humming]

Nicole. Everything okay?

Mm-hmm! [laughs,
continues humming]

Barry: I don't know
who New Cole is...

Phew...

But she is a contender.

Esmeralda: I recently
started a relationship

with one of the wealthiest

and most powerful men
in Toledo, Dustin Bonacker.

It's not romantic yet.

And so the hours are
from 7 p.m. to midnight,

turning down his bed,
giving him a bath.

And the best part
is that I can bring Matteo.

And he has a nice, quiet place

where he can have dinner

and do his homework
in the laundry room.

Travis: Hey.
- Hey.

Can we talk about what happened
during the tornado?

Travis: Sorry. Sorry.
Adelola: It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

I don't think
we need to talk about it.

- Like never--?
- I don't think we ever

need to talk about it.

- Never.
- Never.

- Okay. All right.
- Okay then. Mm-hmm.

[keyboard clacking]

sh*t.

That's ridiculous.

Matteo got a C-minus in math.

There is so much unfairness
to boys in the school system.

I think I need to do
an Esmeralda Undercover

about this horrible
social problem.

[laptop snaps shut,
keys rattle]

Oscar:
Oh. Esmeralda Undercover.

[laughs] Every now and then,

Esmeralda likes
to put on a disguise

to expose prejudice
of various kinds.

She first tried one
about weight discrimination.

Everyone should be able to play.

Slides are for everyone.

- [fat suit squeaks on slide]
- [grunts]

See? Fat-phobic architecture.

Then she took on the plight

of the unattractive man
in the dating world.

Hello, girls, I'm Frank.

- Just because...
- [chair scrapes]

...I'm not Marlon Brando,
what should I do?

Hide in a hole and die?

Why are you pointing
your deodorant at me?

Needless to say, these pieces
were never published.

She has a new one,
and I'm very excited.

All right, class, uh...

I don't completely understand
the situation,

but Principal Bourla says that
a man named Dustin Bonacker

has offered
a financial donation

if we host a special visitor
to our classroom this afternoon.

It seems
a confused woman believes

that she's a boy your age.

So I expect all of you

- to behave with your usual...
- [sighs]

...politeness and kindness.

- Okay.
- Yo, bros.

- Hello.
- Oh, God.

I'm Jayden. I'm transferring in
from another school.

Moving sucks, right? No cap.

I hope I'll be treated fairly,
even if I'm a boy.

I hope so too.

- Can I sit next to you, man?
- Please, no.

[chair rattles]

I appreciate you, man.

Ned: Wait, wait,
that's your legal advice?

What do you mean we have to cut
the parts about the Glass Club?

The headline is "Glass Club
Bribes City Inspectors."

What should we change that to?
"No One Bribes City Inspectors"?

- That would work. Perfect.
Ned: That would not make sen--

I'm mocking you. Tell him.

- He's mocking you, Dante, Jesus.
- No, I see that now.

The thing is, Marv, that you
told the Glass Club in an email

that TTT would write no
hostile stories about them

in order to ensure
their continued advertising,

and that could be viewed
as an implied contract.

That was to do with
my misguided crusade, okay?

This is to do with

our correctly guided
crime reporting.

But it doesn't matter.
A promise is a promise

and you made them a promise.
In writing.

It's an implied contract.

But an implied contract
has the same legal strength.

Marv:
You know what, Dante,

stick to toilet paper.

Landlord:
You get one parking space...

- [cell phone dings, buzzes]
- ...that's uncovered,

- in the front...
- Sorry.

...and it comes with
in-unit laundry.

No need for coins.

Uh, the laundromat's
a little sketchy.

I am literally outraged.

We made so many sacrifices
to get the truth out there.

My best reporter was sent
to another city.

This is-- It's so hot in here.
Are you hot?

Nice job, Dante.
You worried the man sick.

No, I didn't. I did
absolutely nothing of the kind.

Listen to your tone. You deliver
bad news with such zeal.

Dante: Oh! Oh, no! Ooh!
- Oh!

Marv:
Call an ambulance.

- Ned. Elevate his legs.
Dante: Oh! Uh...

Dante: That doesn't look good.
I wouldn't touch him

- if I were you.
- [Ned grunts]

- [sighs] Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

[voice on PA
speaking indistinctly]

- [sighs] Hey.
Ned: Hey.

Mare: I came as soon
as I got your call.

Ned: I don't know
what's going on here,

but if it's the worst,

I want you to write
my obituary.

Ned, what's happening?

Whoa. [sighs]

- I know.
- What's going on?

They don't know.
They think it might be my heart.

I just-- I'm so sorry
that we had a fight.

That was all my fault.

Everything was all my fault,

and I'm just so happy...
[breathes deeply]

...that I get to die
looking at your face.

- Don't talk like that.
- Listen to me.

If I come back
as somebody else,

- I will come and find you, okay?
- Okay.

If you get a call
from a college-aged guy

when you're in your fifties,
take the call.

- Ned...
- Answer all your calls.

Okay. Let's just focus

- on getting you better.
Ned: Mm-hmm.

God, I can't believe
the timing on this.

I was just about to sign
a six-month lease.

Really?

But you won't now?

- Mr. Sampson?
- Oh... Yes, Doctor.

Glad you're awake.
As we suspected,

tests confirm
exposure to toxic mold.

Ned. Jesus.

No, no.
Just a simple allergy to mold.

I see you're responding well
to the medication we gave you.

Um, Doctor,
what meds is he on?

Benadryl.

- Oh...
- Oh...

We're sure it's not
a heart blockage?

I think there was
some talk of that.

No, no,
that was just from you.

Ned:
Oh.

Hey, Ned, I-I think I found
what was making you sick.

- Oh.
- Nurse?

- Smells kind of funky.

Doctor: Ooh.
- [nurse sighs]

- My God.
doctor: Thank you.

[wrapping crinkling]

Doctor: Hm...
- [socffs]

Doctor:
What was it, I wonder.

It was a blueberry muffin
from The Granary.

It's a present
I left on your desk.

Monday after the awards.

Doctor:
Ah. Yep, mold.

Ned:
Oh.

- With a cute note.
- Right.

- What did it say?
- Doesn't matter.

What's this for?

I'm not supposed
to talk about it.

[Travis clears throat]

[Adelola clears throat, sighs]

So, when you have, like,
what you have,

are you allowed
to drive yourself?

No, of course not.
I'm not 16. Yet.

In the place where you live,
are there other people like you?

Oh, you're asking
if I have a bro-bro?

Yeah, he just turned 47.

He's cool, I guess.
We could be closer.

Do you drink beer?

Of course not,
I'm a woman. I drink wine.

Yeah, no, I-I drink juice.
I'm a kid, you know?

[straw slurps]

Guys, we all drink juice.
Dudes.

Let me get this straight.

- I left you a gift...
- Mm-hmm.

- ...on your desk...
- Mm-hmm.

...that you never opened,
then obviously forgot about.

Because you don't want anyone
to know I was your girlfriend?

- I intended to open it.
- Who does that?

To be fair, it was behind
some stuff on a shelf.

- Detrick...
- Very easy to miss.

Do not defend him right now.

- Thank you, Detrick.
- This is all you, Ned, okay.

This, this is
the mold of indecision.

Ned [stammers]: That is
very well put, but I disagree.

It is the mold of restraint.

- That's a noble mold.
- Restraint?

You were just worrying how
dating me would make you look.

Just admit it.
- No, I was worried about

how dating me
would make you look.

- What?
- I've dated plenty of nurses.

- It always works out.
- [nurse scoffs]

- Thank you.
- Jesus Christ.

If I was important to you,

you would've opened my gift
that day instead of ignoring me.

All right, give me the muffin.

Mare: No, Ned.
Doctor: No. Sir, no.

Ned:
Step back! Step back!

Mare: Don't eat the muffin.
Don't eat--

Ned:
I'm happy to eat it.

I'm happy to eat the muffin.

Mare:
Don't eat it now. Don't eat it.

- No. [screams] Ned!
- [all scream]

- Oh, that is awful.
Detrick: Stop!

- You're being an as*h*le.
- Ned, you're insane.

- Just cough it up.
Detrick: Put two fingers in.

Doctor [sighs]:
There we go, there we go.

[sighs] My jaws are weak.

What did you put
in that Benadryl?

Yo, bros.

Tell me about the teacher.

I'm just asking as a kid,
not some dumb journalist.

Is she unfair to all boys?

Or just that squirt
with a big head?

Hey, guys, sorry my mom's nuts.

Your mom's not nuts,
she just has problems, you know?

Matteo: One second.
Esmeralda [sighs]: Bullshit.

Just trying to stop this.

That's bullshit, man. [sighs]

Hey, Mom? Mom.

Maybe you could just
chill out a little bit?

Esmeralda:
Who are you, huh?

You can't call
another boy "Mom"...

- Stop pushing me.
- ...and not get pounded.

- Stop.
- He calls the mom.

- Hey, Jayden. Chill out.
- Do you miss your mom so much?

- You little punk. You little...
- Son.

- [whistle tweeting]
- Enough.

Oscar: Okay...
Matteo: Stop!

You're the one who volunteered
to move to a different city.

Oh, come on. That was something
I blurted out in the moment.

You're the one
whose thoughtlessness

has literally
hospitalized you.

All right, look, I didn't forget
about your gift...

- Then what?
- ...or not care about it, okay?

I was saving it.

Until I really earned it.

It was gonna be my reward.

For when we finished
the Glass Club crusade.

I just... Anyone else,
I would think, is full of sh*t,

but I weirdly believe you

for how specific and insane
that logic is.

[sighs]
Mare: Um...

- I gotta go. [sighs]
- No.

- I--
- You just got here.

I know, I have
a long drive home, though.

Don't-- Don't leave.

I-I have a lease to sign.

Ned: Please.
No, don't sign the lease.

Please don't sign the lease.

[sighs]

[mouths]
f*ck!

Don't get comfortable.
We need the bed back now.

Adelola:
Nope.

[Ned sighs]

Should you be back at work?

Ned:
I have dry mouth, dizziness,

and blurred vision,
but I feel alive.

- What's happening?
- Nothing good.

Lawyer's still not budging.

We can still give the police
everything we know.

And if they arrest
the Glass Club members

who made the bribes,
we can write about it then.

Anybody
could write about it then.

Look, Marv, I worked
really hard on this piece.

I know.
But you heard Dante.

Things don't always work out.

Sometimes you start
in second place,

and you stay in second place,
and you never get the girl.

Ned:
Wait.

Wait, Marv. What did you
promise The Glass Club?

What exactly?

I told them they can expect

no more negative articles

from The Truth Teller.

Did you say anything
about The Chronicle?

No.

No, I didn't.

- I didn't.
- Let's get in the car.

Yes. Go make those
Glass-holes pay. Yes.

[elevator dings]

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Have fun.

- Yeah.
- Thank you. I'll see you later.

- Bye.
- See you. You're rolling it up.

Ned: Sorry.
H.R. Lisa: Whee! [laughs]

- Just go.
- [gasps] Bye.

Miss you already.

Whoo! See ya.

So, you're seeing that HR lady?

Um... A little bit.

Hm.

You don't find her to be
a little bit...

of a psycho?

Yeah, a little bit.

But you know,
a little bit's okay.

Ned:
I guess so...

I mean, obviously,
it's none of my business, but...

Nicole's nice too.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Ned: Yeah. Maybe she has
her head screwed on

a little tighter.

Okay, dude, I don't even
drink coffee, okay?

And you should know this
about me, so I'm sorry.

That's a chai tea latte.

Oh. Well, damn.
I love chai tea.

And it's cold now.

You should have told me,
you know? [chuckles]

Now I have to like nuke it
in the microwave

like some kind
of freaking heathen.

And you know that when
you nuke it in a microwave,

it doesn't even taste as good

because it's got all these
cold spots, which suck.

Travis:
And it's with coconut milk,

and you're welcome.

Adelola: Thank you.
- [microwave beeps]

Okay, we can have
one conversation about it.

For the time it takes
for this tea to heat up.

- You set it for a minute?
- I hit quick start.

Okay, well, I guess
first thing up on my end

is that I enjoy
working with you.

- Thank you.
- And I've liked

- becoming friendly with you.
- Mm.

I like your clothes, everything.

- Thank you.
- And a second thing is, um,

you know, I was being tossed
around by that tornado, right?

- Uh-huh.
- And I couldn't have done that

with my body,
even if I wanted to.

- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.

And I couldn't have stopped.

Even if I wanted to.

- Even if you wanted to?
- Yeah.

- [microwave beeps]
- Oh. Okay.

Okay, well,
I think we're leaving

some things on the table,
but let's call that progress.

- Sure.
- Okay.

- All right.
- [clears throat]

I, uh, believe
tornadoes are real now...

I get why people chase them.

[Travis clears throat]

[sighs]

Jayden, you're new here,

but Matteo knows we have
a strict no fighting policy.

Esmeralda:
Yeah, he knows, man.

But I think it's really unfair
of the teacher to narc on us.

Because we were barely fighting,
and it was my fault.

So I think Matteo should get
a boost to his grades

for all the trouble that
we're putting him through, man.

Yeah. Jayden, what the teachers
have observed today

is that you are too smart
for middle school.

Uh, we all think
you belong in college.

- Really?
Principal Bourla: Yeah.

I couldn't be kept
in middle school for long.

I'm too smart.

So... off to college you go.

- Oh. I see it now.
Principal Bourla: Yeah.

I'm a genius, man.

Teacher:
We gotta say goodbye

to our new
very special friend, Jayden.

- Bye, Jayden.
- It was nice meeting you.

Allan: I hope you get
the help you need.

Caleb:
We all think you're a kid.

[teary]
Thank you, bro.

[sighs]

I will never forget you,
my dudes.

[sniffles]

Bye, Jacob.

Allan:
I like this school.

We have cool projects

that really make you think.

My brother.

The one today really had
an impact on us kids.

Liam, I know we had issues,
but you are cool.

Allan: It taught us
something about sensitivity

towards the mentally ill.

I really wanted
to judge her at first.

Text me!

Allan:
But then it made me feel

I should apologize
to my stepdad.

I really take him for granted.

[horn honks]

[laughing] Hey, bud.

- Hey.
Allan: Hey.

- How was your day?
- It was good, Dad.

- How was yours?
- Yeah.

Allan: Good.

[sighs]

Detrick:
This place is fancy.

Ned: Do you see her?
Detrick: No.

[Ned clicks tongue, sighs]

Ned:
Mare?

[shouts] Mare!

[whispers] Sorry.

Sorry... it's family.

Ned: Hey.
- Hi.

- Missed you.
- How you doing?

- Can I talk to him really quick?
Ned: Sure. Yeah.

- What's going on?
- Yeah. Oh, so, um, I just--

I need to talk to you
about something.

- So...
- Um, I don't think I was clear.

Um... [chuckles]

I don't want some big,
romantic gesture.

- I don't think--
- Stop. Stop.

This is not about that.

Okay. S--

[sighs]

Then what are you doing here?
[laughs]

You liked our new
Glass Club piece, right?

Yeah.
It was one in a million.

It made me, honestly,
very jealous.

Yeah, so we can't
put it out in Toledo.

So I-I want you to take it
and put it out here instead.

In The Chronicle.

[sighing] Okay. Um...

With one condition.

[laughs]

Come on, dude,
I'm not getting back with you

- over a byline.
- Not that, no.

You have to share credit.

With Detrick. Okay?
He worked really hard on it,

but we both agree
that if you took a pass on it,

it could be next level.

Um...

- Say yes.
- Yeah, let me talk to Dan. Okay?

- Tell him I said hi.
- That's...

[snapping fingers]

- Hi, Detrick.
- Oh, sh*t.

What are you doing here?

Well, I saw
you were leaving from work,

so I followed you.

- Two hundred miles?
- Yeah.

I just wanted
to give you this.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
Nicole.

What are you doing?

[shouts] Oh, sh*t!

Bang, bang. [laughs]

[laughs sarcastically]

Salted nuts, your favorite.
In case you get hungry.

Thank you. Um...

I'm not sure I understand
what this is.

I saw that you started
hanging out with Lisa.

I'm super happy for you.

Thank you.
I really appreciate you.

I mean this. Appreciate
you bringing me this.

[chuckles] Okay. Good.

Um... See you at work?

Maybe.

See you. [giggles]

Whoo! Go get it. Have fun.

[engine revs]

[metallic crunch]
- Hey!

- That's my car.
- [tires squeal]

That's my car,
you crazy little b*tch!

Maybe not. [laughs] See ya.

[pencil tapping]

Detrick, this is very good.

You have written a story

about a low structural barrier,
and you've made it interesting.

Thank you.

Criminally low.

Dan:
I think it's pretty good.

Just, uh, make those changes
we talked about, but...

[Dan sighs]
- [Mare gasps]

Mare [chuckling]:
h*...

Looks good to me.

Jeanie:
Oh...

What's "NS"?

Mare: New stuff.
- [Jeanie sighs]

Dan:
Non-story. Not a story.

Ned:
That is perfect.

- Should I send it?
Ned: Yes.

[computer chimes]

Ned:
Done.

- It's good. It's really good.
- Yes, it is.

Oh, boy.

- Thank you.
- Please. It was fun.

Yeah. Yeah.

You still gonna sign
that lease?

[sighs] Maybe.

Don't.

Oh, [laughing] come on.

- What?
- You can't look at me like that.

- You can't do that.
- You got the wrong look.

I'm not looking at you
like an ex-girlfriend.

- [sighs]
- I'm looking at you like...

a great journalist.

And it sucks.

Because you can do that
anywhere.

You can do it here,
or you can do it in Chicago,

you could do it in Washington,

but you will never be
more important to anywhere

than you can be
to your hometown.

So I think
you should come back.

You really want me to come back
as a journalist only?

That's all I'm asking.

Okay. [clicks tongue]
I'll think about it.

[sighs] Okay.

Dude, you look exhausted.

- [laughs]
- Mm!

Oh, come on,
it's like 11 p.m.

By the time you get home,
it'll be like 4.

Do you wanna
just come back to mine?

You can crash on the couch.

No funny business.

I don't want
any funny business.

- Oh.
- I'm on Benadryl.

Wouldn't work anyway.

[chuckles]

Mare: Buddy.
Ned: Dude.

I was actually thinking
that maybe

- because I nearly died today...
- Oh, yeah. No, so close.

...because of your awful gift,

maybe you could crash
on the couch?

I don't know how you did
that logic, but deal.

Ned [laughs]: Deal?
- [Mare laughs]

[upbeat theme playing]

Uh... All right.

[clears throat] So...

I had my own moment of clarity.

When she walked into
my hospital room.

I love her.

Can't live without her.

And if that's not something

that I can ever tell her,

then that'll have to be okay.

It'll be t*rture, but as long
as I can sit at my desk...

[breathes deeply]

...at our newspaper

and see her face
through my office window...

I can handle anything.

- [horn honks]
Mare: Dude.

- Jesus.
- I'm so tired.

- Can we go?
- Yes.

Ned: Yeah.
- I looked it up.

The Best Western's
like 99 bucks.

Don't think
I won't drop your a*s off.

- [horn honking]
Ned: Aah! Okay.

Jesus Christ.

[horn continues honking]

- Stop it!
- [honking ceases]