Mare Quotes - The Paper
Mare quotes from the hit show "The Paper"
Mare: Yeah, the rumors died down. Which is nice. Except for the Joe Burrow one, but I don't really mind that.
Mare: This is all you, Ned. This, this is the mold of indecision.
Mare: I heard another rumor. Ned's balls were clipped off in a frisbee accident. There's another stupid story coming out of Toledo.
Mare: I haven't felt anxiety like this since I was a kid and they had to give me prescription deodorant. They called me Pit Stain Pritti. It was good times.
Mare: They don't assign stories. You eat what you kill, and I'm like the lion the other lions are embarrassed to look at.
Mare: I just can't believe I'm gonna be fired and sent back home. Like someone who failed to impress RuPaul.
Mare: We've been having dinner over FaceTime. We call it "StuffYourFaceTime."
Mare: I have three brothers. I'm allergic to eggplant. And, uh... Oh, okay, this is actually kind of fun. I did 23andMe and found out that I have more Neanderthal DNA than 92% of the population.
Mare: This is Ned. Super optimistic about the future and super sentimental about the past. The kind of guy you want in a foxhole with you.
Mare: People aren't going to shoot guns during work hours without me.
Mare: We realized that the cosmetics store is just a front. Behind the lab with the white rats is most likely a secret lab where somebody... I don't freaking know, the military? Is funding research on a rat that runs towards gunfire, weaponizing an aggressive wartime rat, either as a, you know, end in itself, maybe carrying a little explosive backpack or something, or as a prototype for the same experiment on humans.
Mare: Whoever ends up with Ned is a lucky girl. Because it looks like his hall pass died in 1936.
Ned: What's in this box? (shakes box) Is it a secret?
Mare: No, no, no, don't touch that. Don't touch that. No, no, no, that's my gun.
Mare: Every four years we do this. We head into the mountains and just honor the fallen.
Detrick: Like Memorial Day?
Mare: Yes, but the weekend.
Detrick: Like Memorial Day Weekend.
Mare: Um... It's just more specific than that.
Travis: Every four years? Weird interval.
Mare: Just because we have to keep this a secret, doesn't mean you need to keep it a secret from me.
Mare: (accepting her award) Okay. Um... When I first started here at the Toledo Truth Teller, I wasn't even sure I would write an article I'd be proud of, let alone winning an award. Um... I mean, five months ago, I was pulling articles off a wire, ranking the arches on Love Islanders' feet. Sorry, my heart is racing so fast. Okay, I need to thank my first editor-in-chief, Sergeant Jones, the only editor who can make you drop and give you 50 pushups if you misuse the word "hopefully." My high school English teacher, shout out to Mr. Jenkins. And finally, I need to thank Ned Sampson... our editor-in-chief, my editor-in-chief. He gave me an opportunity that changed my life. And he tends to do that with people, so thank you. All you need to do to make a dream come true is chase it. Don't stop chasing. Thank you, Ned. I can't wait to celebrate with you tonight.
Mare: We're investigating this farm three hours south of here that might be a cult. They might also just love growing squash, and all shop at the same poncho store, but come on. Also my neighbor's son is there, and he missed his mom's birthday, so I promised her we'd get to the bottom of it.
Mare: (At a diner with Ned) Yeah, I think my dad took me to a pencil sharpener museum around here.
City Worker: Here she comes.
Mare: Why is the sewer blockage a she?
Ned: (referring to the sales video) I know it's a little cheesy.
Mare: You looked like you, but like 25 percent more oily. You looked flammable. (laughs)
Ned: Okay, yeah, all right. The hair is a little bit... But the look is an important part of it so...
Mare: You looked like if Draco Malfoy had a cocaine problem.
(Laughter)
Ned: Well, it was a very demanding job, and I made a lot of money for the company. So maybe we just go back to the emails.
Mare: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I hurt your feelings.
Ned: No, no, not at all. I like it. I like being ribbed. You look like Macaulay Culkin now. You look like an asshole. It's important we can all make fun of each other. I think it's a really fun thing to do, but that's not who I am anymore, okay? Maybe we can just move on with our lives, get back to work.
Mare: Totally.
Nicole: You look like if bottle service was a person. Sorry, I haven't been able to get mine in.
Mare: We didn't even get to cover Jeep Week last year, because Esmeralda bailed when they wouldn't gift her a Grand Cherokee.
Mare: I mean, the story's gonna be simple. It's gonna be like this big. (holds up fingers to indicate a tiny amount)
Esmeralda: No, that's your problem. If you think small, your life is small. Like an ant.
Mare: Ooh! You look rich in this photo. That is good Jarson bait. Actually, you look rich in a lot of these photos.
Ned: No, I don't.
Mare: I'm sorry. Does your family own their own pickleball court?
Ned: That's not pickleball. It's platform tennis. My uncle had one installed two summers ago, and he is strictly middle class. That was a huge part of his mayoral platform.
Mare: Oh, my God, you should hear the voicemails. I got called several different species of animals, including bitter cow, frigid pig, venomous snake, and poisonous dog. (LAUGHS)
Esmeralda: I will never get a fair hearing from Ned. I mean, I could be the most amazing reporter on this planet, some people say I am. But I could never beat the sex pheromones that Mare is putting out there.
Mare: I just like being held, okay? What's the point of sleeping with someone if you can't even feel them because the bed is so big? I mean, a king bed is like, "Okay, goodnight, see you tomorrow, hope nothing bad happens to you in your sleep because I'd never know about it."
Mare: Hey, where did you get that?
Ned: Oh! Good eye. This is a 1926 Underwood Standard Portable that once belonged...
Mare: I meant the coffee. Where is there a Birch Brothers?
Ned: Just by me.
Mare: Do they offer you a nerd discount if you mention your vintage typewriter?
Mare: Screw you, that's not a valid password. I know my dog's birthday.
Mare: I just hope I have half of Barry's energy and brains when I'm 150.
Mare: I actually wrote for Stars and Stripes, the military newspaper. I was an M1 Armored Vehicle Crew Member in the Army. Esmeralda has some media experience as a contestant on a dating reality show, called Married at First Sight.
Ned: Luckily, my dad felt guilty, and he knew someone on the board of Enervate, so he kinda got the ball rolling on that. And I went out to Softees in Chicago, worked there for two years, broke every record selling toilet paper. And they said, what do you wanna do next? I picked here.
Mare: Geez. That's really inspiring for a story with that much nepotism in it.
