Esmeralda Quotes - The Paper
Esmeralda quotes from the hit show "The Paper"
Emcee: This year, we have felt the loss of some of Ohio's most treasured journalists. Let us take a moment to honor them.
(Piano music plays)
Esmeralda: Good evening, my colleagues. (piano music stops) Keep playing, maestro. My name is Esmeralda Grand, and I'm so very sad for all these dead people. It's so sad to be dead. (sings) Oh, sad, dead journalist, you made your final deadline. You are gone. Sad dead journalist, you are gone. And no one will read you anymore. R.I.P.!
Oscar: So what? So what, if you didn't win tonight? You made it to the stage a couple of times.
Esmeralda: Three.
Oscar: I counted two.
Esmeralda: I also made the toast at the wedding.
Esmeralda: (At the wedding) I would like to make a toast to this beautiful, beautiful couple. (to the Groom) My love, you are much shorter, right? Oh, my God. Well, how... How does this work? Uh... Oh, okay. No, but you look beautiful. You look beautiful, and I really wish you a long marriage. You just have to tolerate sometimes his affairs because... I mean, who is in charge between you guys? (to the Bride) Probably you, right? Because of the dimensions, maybe?
Esmeralda: A few weeks ago, in the archive room, someone found a picture of Barry when he was 30, and he was very handsome. So that image stuck in my mind for several days. But then Barry did something very inappropriate, because when you think about a man that way, he knows that he can come into your dreams, and he can have his way with you. I am very sorry to say that Barry took that liberty. If it happened once, it would be okay, because I was willing. There was a mutual attraction. But then it happened every night! Like, Barry has come every night, unbidden, into my dreams, and he has had me. I have my needs, like everybody else, maybe more, but he is insatiable. And then the day after, I come into the office, and he pretends like nothing happened. How dares he?
Esmeralda: Oh, my goodness. Why are there children and mothers everywhere? Is Group C boarding on a Southwest flight? (laughs)
Esmeralda: My son, Matteo, is very talented. Very Chalamet. From Dune,not Wonka.
Matteo: I was in the middle of a math test.
Esmeralda: So what? Addition, subtraction? Who do you want to be when you grow up? A florist?
Esmeralda: (to another mother) Cute kid. Congratulations. You know, I worry about him having a career. Because you see what happens to these child actors? They start heroin really early, like... Sometimes they vomit on you. Then they prostitute themselves, yes. He doesn't look like, but he will. Then one day, they just stab you in the bed, and that's it. Lot of blood.
Esmeralda: Do you think we can play with this a bit? For the kid, you know, he's a bit tense.
Casting Director: (nods)
Esmeralda: Okay, great. So, I am the young man, okay? (sighs) "Hey, sweetheart! How was soccer today?" (gasps) There is a lightning storm! (GASPING, SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I just switched bodies with my mom. She has my body now, and I am the beautiful woman! Wow! (SIGHS) Oh, this is how it feels to have clean underwear? I'm going to spend her money to buy the wipes I need to clean myself.
Esmeralda: (continues) Ha! I mean, this is just one direction. There are many other possibilities. Millions. Millions.
Casting Director: Wow.
Ken: What it was, was it was a loyalty test.
Esmeralda: Yes.
Ken: We were testing Nate's loyalty.
Esmeralda: It was a loyalty test. Because janitors, more than anyone, they have to be loyal.
Ken: Gotta be loyal.
Esmeralda: Because of the stuff they find in the trash. Or in the toilets.
Esmeralda: (Trying to explain her subterfuge) We are practicing a play...our first. In a certain scenario, these characters would take over, which is a very common plot in so many plays... We could do a movie, about a musical about a movie about a musical about a movie about a musical...
Ned: Esmeralda, would you like to go next?
Esmeralda: Oh, my God. Thank you. (laughs) Oh, no, I'm sorry. I feel a bit nervous. A room full with real journalists.
Esmeralda: (to the camera crew) Oh, no. I'm not nervous in front of nerds.
Esmeralda: This is an urgent, necessary story for anyone who likes being hot.
Barry: That's me.
Esmeralda: Bravo, Barry. Exactly. The Korean beauty company, Ulzzang, has found that their Phenol Revitalizing Mask is the most effective face product in face history. Wow.
Ned: Wow.
Esmeralda: Ned accuses me of sensationalizing stories. Now, since when sensation is a bad thing? Ask a box of condoms.
Esmeralda: (On her tactic of sneaking into City Hall) I don't really have a migraine. This is just me being great at journalism!
Esmeralda: You are going to squeeze him for information. You'll milk him.
Mare: Why can't you go?
Esmeralda: Because I spoke to him on the phone and he recognizes my voice, you know. I could actually try an American accent. "Merry Christmas, Frank. Nice cheeseburger, buddy."
Mare: I'll do it.
(At the Macaroni Barn)
Hostess: Hi, table for one tonight, ma'am?
Esmeralda: Excuse me?
Hostess: Table for one?
Esmeralda: No. No. Never. What you have here is not food. It's bullsh*t. It's not even Italian, you know?
Esmeralda: Pride month is starting. We have to get ready. This meeting is about the pride float.
Mare: I thought maybe gay pride and prejudice.
Esmeralda: It's too stiff.
Oscar: Dungeons and drag queens.
Esmeralda: I hate that so much. Pride float is supposed to be a lot of fun.
Esmeralda: American women are so gullible. Do you know that over half of them die from eating expired food?
Esmeralda: I'm concerned for a friend of mine. She is like a sister to me. She is like-- Yeah, dark hair, tiny, beautiful. She's like a twin. Like, imagine the German version of me. So I'm just a bit worried that she could be the victim of this dangerous internet catman.
Ned: What's his name?
Esmeralda: Jarson.
Ned: His name is Jarson?
Esmeralda: Yes. It's a common American name. It's Jason and Jared combined.
Ned: You could help a lot of people by participating in this story, but first you need to admit the truth to yourself.
Esmeralda: Here's my truth. I need you to go away because I need to take some nudes to send to Jarson.
Esmeralda: So what? What's all the talk about? What are the chattering chickens clacking about? My boyfriend? Here he is. (Shows a framed portrait) That's a picture of him holding a picture of me. Look at his hands, like, the way he holds my picture.
Oscar: That looks like Josh Holloway.
Esmeralda: No, that's my Jarson.
Mare: That guy? From Lost?
Esmeralda: Yeah, he was. Until he found me.
Esmeralda: When there is a group of single women and one woman finds happiness in love, the other single women try to take that happy woman down. You know, like, um, in a bowling pot of lobsters, you know, lobsters? Do you know that the male lobsters all lazily accept their fate, while the female lobsters try to get out, but, you know, clawing down each other during the process? They will not claw down this lobster.
Oscar: The catfisher paid Josh to make a video. That's how come he keeps talking about Jarson in the third person.
Esmeralda: You don't believe in love! People talk like that all the time. Esmeralda thinks you're all stupid! See?
Esmeralda: Wesley, hi. Ciao. This is Esmeralda Grand, managing editor of TTT Online, very cool, very sexy, very innovative. I want to apologize for Ned. He resents children because he can't have any of his own. He sat on a stove in high school. And it was on.
Ned: That's not true. That didn't happen.
Esmeralda: Did you see what this little brat did?
Ned: (reading) "Esmeralda Grand, 51, Editor of TTT Online, begged me to work for her, quote, 'sexy website.' Was she hoping to violate more than child labor laws?"
Ned: You're a lot of things, but you're not--
Esmeralda: Fifty-one! I know. It's slander!
Esmeralda: (Talking about how to get revenge on Wesley) We convince him his father is not his real father. Kids hate that.
Ned: That's interesting.
Esmeralda: We smear a little dog sh*t on his retainer. Just a little teaspoon.
Ned: How would we get into his...?
Esmeralda: Through the window. We give him Lyme disease. I think I have the right kind of ticks.
Esmeralda: Ugh, Ned is still here. Perhaps he has cockroach DNA. Do you know cockroach? That you try to smash it but then it doesn't die? He turns on his back, you know? That's Ned. And you pretend that you're happy that he's alive.
Esmeralda: Ned. I'm so sorry about the disappointing news. You must be very sad.
Ned: What's--? Uh... Sorry, what?
Esmeralda: Oh, because you don't know? About Mare? Mare, the woman whose parents named her after a horse. She's leaving us for the hotel business.
Esmeralda: "MOB-MI-AB", "Marv's Office Budget Meeting In A Bit." Yes, classic shorthand. Ned doesn't have time to read the whole sentence while he's flirting all day long with that U.S. troop.
Ned: We're about to have my first staff meeting, if you wanna...
Esmeralda: Oh, wow. I might skip it. Because they are like children and I think it would be a trauma for them to see two mommies at once, right?
Ned: I'm a little distracted. Uh, the wire's not working.
Esmeralda: Yeah. That was supposed to be a surprise! But, uh, yes. I canceled it.
Ned: You cut the wi.. You cut the wire?
Esmeralda: Yes. From my little office.
Esmeralda: (Writing a Letter from the Editor in the voice of Ned) Esmeralda did the greatest job at the paper, while also being a single mother. Although you would never know, because her body is insane.
Esmeralda: The print version really only exists for people to have something to frame when they are mentioned, which we try to do as much as possible.
Esmeralda: In America, there is a saying about accepting the things that you cannot change. In Italy ... we do not have that saying.
Ned: I know you've been supervising things for a while. So I hope it's not too disruptive to have me come in and sort of shake everything up.
Esmeralda: Oh, no, no. Don't be so self-defecating.
Ned: Did you send an email to everyone here saying that I was "not Me Too-ed?"
Esmeralda: Yes, because I didn't want you to start off on the wrong foot.
Ned: But I wasn't.
Esmeralda: Yes, in fact, that's why I said, he was not Me Too-ed, I don't think.
Ned: I was not-- I've never been Me Too-ed. I've also never embezzled or slapped a waitress.
Esmeralda: Oh, wow. Should I tell them?
Ned: No! That's what I'm saying. You-- You don't have to "not" a thing that isn't.
Esmeralda: You are preaching to the choir. These are simple people. To them, a man leaves his job, moves to a new town, they think, "I wonder what was his evil crime. Did he do it to a person? An animal? I hope he doesn't do it to me."
