Ned Quotes - The Paper
Ned quotes from the hit show "The Paper"
Ned: (toward Wesley) Boo.
Mare: (laughs) You can't boo.
Ned: I'm saying "blue," like the cheese, 'cause he stinks.
Ned: Do I start with a joke?
Mare: What is the joke?
Ned: Being a good journalist runs in my blood. Literally. I cannot make mistakes, 'cause I'm 'typo' negative.
(About going to a farm to investigate if they are a cult)
Ned: I can go with you if Detrick can't.
Mare: Why? So you can be my bodyguard?
Ned: No. Because it's my favorite stall at the farmer's market. Love to see where they grow it all. If someone tries to hurt you, I will just let them.
Ned: I hope I'm too smart to join a cult, but who knows? I fell for Blue Apron, so clearly there's a hole in my life, right?
(Mare and Nicole are watching an old Softees motivational sales video)
Ned: Hey, Dante, what's good? How many units did you move last week?
Dante: I don't know, twenty?
Ned: Twenty? I move more units to trick-or-treaters on Halloween and I live in a cul-de-sac. You clearly don't want it, dawg. Dante clearly doesn't want it.
(In an old Softees motivational sales video)
Ned: You wanna know how to sell like me? Well, bad news. I can't tell you that. I can't give you the keys to this Porsche. It only starts for me and my fingerprint ignition. You know that wasn't cheap. But here's the thang. Each one of you has your own luxury vehicle hidden inside you. You've just got to figure out what starts your engine. So let me hear your engines.
Ned: (excited) Whoo! Come on, guys. We got some mitts to sell. All eyes on me. These are no longer wipes for p00p that we flush down the toilet. These are kitchen wipes that you throw in the trash. All right? All-purpose, all-surface, sturdy, ergonomic kitchen wipes. You got it? You got it?
Ned: Sometimes, the best way to serve the paper is by publishing an important story. Sometimes, it's by quitting. And sometimes, it is by selling a boatload of rebranded kitchen wipes. Today, it was all three.
Ned: We're enjoying this meeting. Everyone sort of nodding, nodding a little bit. Yes. Yes! I am actively agreeing with you.
Adelola: Just curious, do your dad and Marv go to the same yacht club?
Ned: Ha! Okay. Ha, ha! My dad doesn't have a yacht. Okay? He's a pilot. He owns a Piper Cub twin engine. He once had to crash land in a field, like Harrison Ford. So...
Ned: Every morning, I have a very strong coffee, and then I cycle to work. And on my way, I have to stop at the McGundry Park bathrooms. I'm a creature of habit. This morning, those bathrooms were mysteriously padlocked, so I became a creature of panic.
Ned: If there was just some way to broaden the scope beyond the existence of a product and where to buy it.
Esmeralda: Oh, yes, of course. I can cover the price as well.
Ned: Uh-- Ah...
Ned: (sees Mare in a black cocktail dress) You look... You look so nice.
Mare: I think part of your face just fell off.
Ned: Oh, thanks. (into his phone) 8:42. Large chunk of left cheek just dislodged. Pain is down to an 8 and a half.
Ned: So, a serial catfisher on the dating app Latch has been posing as service members who grew up in Toledo. This catfisher matches on the app with a real Toledoan and then reveals that they are "stationed in Germany." After a lot of flattery and flirtation over DM, the catfish drops that they don't have enough money to come home for Thanksgiving. We see where this is going. The pathetic mark, out of pity, or more probably lust-- These are lonely people. --they start wiring money to the catfish. At first, just enough for the plane ticket home from Germany to Ohio, but soon the love letters multiply, okay, along with requests for more funds. The nicknames the catfish will often use. -Sweet Cheeks, Baby Babe. Cookie Princess, Baby Baby, and babe babe, also sometimes just baby, but you should look out for all of them.
(A concerned looking Esmeralda leaves the room)
Nicole: No way.
Ned: I was an elite toilet paper salesman, and that takes patience. People don't always need toilet paper when you're trying to sell it to them. But eventually, they will need it. And who will be there when they need to use the bathroom?
Ned: I used to cut my grandmother's toenails. Is that a thing? What, she-she didn't like anyone else doing it after her arthritis got bad. I didn't mind. She's family. She'd kick me in the face if I cut them too short. R.I.P. Granny Raz. You sure that's funnier than my ultimate Frisbee team story? How half of them thought I was left-handed when I wasn't?
Mare: Both of them make me nauseous, but for different reasons.
Ned: Our budget is still carrying pensions from typesetters who retired in 1991 who keep living. And this kid just hits publish for free and it's not even good. Oh, look at this, are you sure that you mean "inflammable," SoWesley, and not "flammable?" I mean, it's only the exact opposite meaning. Ever heard of proofreading?
Ned: I'd really appreciate it if you took the story down, pal.
Wesley: Not gonna happen. Also, "flammable" and "inflammable" are the same.
Ned: Wesley, I'm sorry, you're just wrong here.
Ken: He's right. The same. "Flammable" and "inflammable".
Ned: (COnfused) That makes no sense.
Ned: The two types of media work completely differently. You have a blog, one person reads it. That's it. You have a paper... They might leave that in a coffee shop. Someone else comes in, they read it, take it with them. They leave it on the bus. Now you've got two people reading it. Someone else picks that up. Three people. That person's homeless, they wrap themselves in it at night. Can't wrap yourself in a blog.
Ned: I got it. We anonymously send Wesley a fake press release. If he publishes it everyone finds out that he doesn't verify his sources, and his whole reputation is destroyed.
Esmeralda: Oh, wow, yes, boom! And so he's untrustworthy and I'm not 51.
Ned: Yes. We just need a believable press release. So... Um... Layoffs? Potential upcoming layoffs at Corning Glass.
Esmeralda: Wow. Incredible. Such a perfect level of bland. How do you do that?
Ned: It comes naturally.
Ned: Did I go too far? What is too far? Is it using the power of the press to disgrace a high schooler? That's probably too far. And I think I went it.
Ned: The most important part of any article is the byline. You get one reputation in this life. Protect it, at all costs.
Student: Who said this?
Ned: (checks his phone) Geraldo Rivera.
Ned: I started something called the "Also News." We print it right here, it's distributed only on this floor, and Adam is the star reporter for the "Also News."
Ned: Seven highly motivated, tenacious Buckeyes are out there right now, hunting for news. You'd be a fool to bet against that.
(a moment later...)
Ned: (On the phone) Hey, how much would it cost for one day of wire service? That's outrageous!
Ken: This is a treat, our commander in chief, Marv Putnam.
Marv: Not now, Ken.
Ned: When I was a kid, I didn't wanna be Superman. I wanted to be Clark Kent. 'Cause to me, Clark is the real superhero. He's saving the world too by working at a newspaper. And that to me is much more noble, and much more achievable. And I love that. And so, that's why I'm so happy to be finally here at my very own Daily Bugle or no, Daily Planet! It's the Daily Planet. Daily Bugle is Spider-Man. They're both journalists. That's kinda cool.
Ned: I do get claustrophobic. I got stuck in my neighbor's chimney playing Christmas when I was a kid. I was imagining what it was like to be Santa Claus. Let me out.
Travis: Are you being serious? Because I'm actually claustrophobic. And if you're pretending, that would be very disrespectful to the claustrophobic community.
Ned: All right, I'm not claustrophobic. But I get a little nervous in airplane bathrooms, if that counts?
