Ken Quotes - The Paper
Ken quotes from the hit show "The Paper"
Ken: Wowee. Making it look like we're at the kids' table.
Esmeralda: Maybe because I look so young.
Ken: It's not that.
Ken: I need to distance myself from Esmeralda. I'm getting swept away in her mediocrity. A prestige shift is happening. Oscar now has the ear of Marv and that is a dangerous thing. Accountants have a nasty habit of getting rid of dead weight, which was my nickname at school, and before.
Ken: Oh, my God, no. Marv's choking and I'm not there. I'm supposed to be the back-patter!
Travis: (dressed as Santa) Ho, ho, ho, guys.
Ken: Ho, ho, ho, indeed. Here he is, dear old Santa Clogs, handing out treats to the recently inconvenienced.
Ken: (to camera crew) Marv Putnam has put me in charge of doing some brand image rehabilitation for Softees after our bloody man mitts caused a bit of a sewer clog situation, allegedly. Well, Marv will finally see what old Ken Davies is capable of when he is given total control of a project. These may look like ordinary ice creams, but in actual fact, they are sample rolls of peppermint-scented toilet paper.
(KIDS SPITTING, COUGHING)
Kid: This isn't ice cream! It's toilet paper!
Mom: Why does it smell like dessert?
Ken: It's peppermint-infused tissue, madam, in the shape of the thing it smells of. What about that do you not understand?
Ken: We were, indeed, serving children ice cream that turned out to be toilet paper. Yeah, that's a good assessment.
Nicole: I never told you to rent an ice cream truck. I don't know if I've ever even spoken to you.
Ken: The important thing is Marv thinks it was your idea, so we are where we are.
Nicole: But...?
Ken: (reading an email from his phone) Does this ring a bell? "Dear Ken, my name is Nicole Lee. I would like to shadow you."
Nicole: I wrote that two years ago and you never responded.
Ken: This is me responding. Welcome aboard.
Ken: (appears in a polo shirt ands shorts) I don't believe in the exposed knee. Back home, we would call these the schoolmaster's delight. I swore off them for a reason.
Nicole: You look like the American half of a Ninety-Day Fiancée.
Ken: Should I do an American accent?
Nicole: I would like to hear that.
Ken: (in an American accent) I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese. I can do it better.
Nicole: Pretty good.
Ken: Do you know what? When I decided to pin all of the blame on you, that was completely at random. But now I see everything happens for a reason.
Ken: Man Mitts sales are already so encouraging, we have decided to expand the brand. Next stop, Kid Mitts, coming this fall. Our ad agency has been scouring Midwest middle schools looking for a "Petey, the hasty wiper." We need a little face with real star power to launch Kid Mitts, since Man Mitts is our most valuable product.
Ken: Our warehouse is still half-full. I can't afford your precious conscience. So, by the powers vested in me by Marv not being here, I declare this article canceled. The state has shut down the churches.
Ned: Then the church... condemns you to hell.
Ned: Excuse me, everyone. I have something, ahem, very noble to say. Do I have your attention? Good. Okay. I have to do something very important right now and very, very difficult. We didn't ask to write a story about the flushability of Softees' Man Mitts. That story came to us, and it demanded to be told. So now I must do that which every newsman dreads. I must sacrifice myself for the good of the paper and the community... by resigning as editor-in-chief of the Toledo Truth Teller. If you must shed tears, do not shed them on my account. Shed them for justice, because justice has not been served today. As my final act before this historic resignation, I hereby appoint Mare Pritti as acting editor of my beloved Truth Teller. Okay. Heavy lies the crown.
Adam: Hey, Ned?
Ned: Yeah?
Adam: Let me know where you want me to send your last paycheck.
Ken: Try our new Greek bowl. There's always a bowl, isn't there, in America? Everything's bowls with you guys...
Ken: (As Nicole emerged from the bathroom) Twenty-two minutes. That's how long your computer's been inactive. What were you doing in there? Faffing around? Watching the latest episode of "So You Think You Can Dillydally"?
Nicole: You can't ask me that.
Ken: So not a denial per se. I shall be alerting the wage-garnishers.
Ken: (to the camera crew) They are only allowed to work on the newspaper couple of hours a day. Now, this program here, voila, that lets me know whenever their computer is inactive. (alert noise sounds) And! Here we go! Oscar hasn't touched his spreadsheet for 15 minutes. Oh, dear. You're scamming the company, mate.
Ken: (looking at his tablet that monitors the office computers) Everyone busy, busy. My little dwarves. And I'm Snow White, their boss. The tough but fairest of them all.
Ken: Some people tend to lose all dignity in the face of their betters. Fortunately, it usually gets them precisely nowhere. Men of quality-- Your Marv Putnams of this world. --they can see right through you.
(Ned approaches Marv to ask a question)
Ken: Do you have an appointment?
Ned: I just wanna ask a question.
Ken: I didn't see you in Marv's schedule, mate. Listen. Just because the boss is on your floor, it doesn't mean that you've gone up in the world. You're like a child sitting on a pilot's lap who thinks he's flying the plane. Well, guess what? He's not. They're not insured for that.
Ken: I don't know if I've ever told you guys about my old childhood friend, Douglas Keane. So, Douglas grew up in a 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff.
Travis: Sounds sick as hell.
Ken: It does. Thank you, Travis. But do you know how Douglas' parents paid for this 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff? Anyone? Oscar?
Oscar: Textiles?
Ken: Pardon me?
Oscar: Textiles?
Ken: Prostitution. I'll give you it. Prostitution. Well, we are Douglas Keane. This beautiful office is the 10-bedroom estate, and these, yes, slightly dodgy clickbait articles are prostituting themselves for us.
Adam: Ken, what if it, like, supercharges my semen?
Ken: Pardon me?
Adam: Supercharges my semen. I can't afford another kid.
Ken: Have you never heard of contraception? Get some sheep intestines, tie a knot in it, you're good to go.
Ken: How would everyone feel about Esmeralda throwing rainbow-colored toilet rolls into the crowd at the parade?
Oscar: I don't think that's necessary. No one wants rainbow toilet paper.
Ken: Love your opinion. Oscar, your voice is incredibly valuable.
Ken: I love celebrating the LGBTQIA plus community. If it was down to me our corporation would support gay people all year round.
Ken: How are you letting a child beat you to this?
Ned: No, no, Ken. I'm the one beating the child.
Ken: What is our Wirecutter? What is our Wordle? We need things which keep people's minds off the bloody news. You have to remember our core audience is people on toilets.
Ken: I am incredibly sorry about my limp. I hurt my foot last night... (sighs) At my match. Darts playoff final. We won. I scored the winning double.
Oscar: Hmm.
Ken: This happened afterwards. I was mugged. Nearly mugged, for the winnings and trophy.
Marv: (enters the room) Ken, I heard you dropped a dart on your foot?
Ken: This is just our bi-weekly budget meeting with Marv in which we have absolutely nothing unusual planned. And if I am rubbing my hands together slightly, it's because it's chilly in here.
Ned: I'll put them back once we're done.
Ken: Said the fox to the farmer. No, no, Ned. I'll put them back. Thank you. And I may electrify them. Or indeed electrify one, and you won't know which.
Ken: Enervate sells products made out of paper. So that might be office supplies. That might be janitorial paper, which is toilet tissue, toilet seat protectors, and local newspapers. And that is in order of quality.
Ken: Enervate is in good health, largely because of Softees. Enervate is Tom Brady, very healthy, very rich. The Truth Teller is a sick mouse hiding behind Tom Brady's fridge. Now, Tom Brady, he likes mice. But this mouse is f**ked.
