The Paper Quotes
All quotes from the hit show "The Paper". There are a lot of quotes here! Click each episode title bar for a synopsis and additional information about the epside.
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Oscar: The Truth Teller was nominated in this year's Ohio Journalism Awards. You heard right. The Truth Teller. Three times, in fact. Mare for her great story on the Softees clog, Ned for The Truth Teller itself, and a fresh-faced new upstart, heh, named Oscar Martinez for the Mr. Digit Puzzle. Best New Game.
Ken: Wowee. Making it look like we're at the kids' table.
Esmeralda: Maybe because I look so young.
Ken: It's not that.
Ken: I need to distance myself from Esmeralda. I'm getting swept away in her mediocrity. A prestige shift is happening. Oscar now has the ear of Marv and that is a dangerous thing. Accountants have a nasty habit of getting rid of dead weight, which was my nickname at school, and before.
Ken: Oh, my God, no. Marv's choking and I'm not there. I'm supposed to be the back-patter!
Ann: Oh yes, the Putnam's have very narrow esophagi. The Oregon branch of the family was completely wiped out after their wagon train passed through a cherry farm.
Oscar: (accepting his award) You know what? I want to dedicate... this win to a group that doesn't get enough attention, the documentary film crew that's been following me around for the better part of 20 years. I'm sorry I pushed you guys away before. I think you guys are the only ones who really see me. And, um... I guess I was put on earth to be a documentary subject.
Mare: (accepting her award) Okay. Um... When I first started here at the Toledo Truth Teller, I wasn't even sure I would write an article I'd be proud of, let alone winning an award. Um... I mean, five months ago, I was pulling articles off a wire, ranking the arches on Love Islanders' feet. Sorry, my heart is racing so fast. Okay, I need to thank my first editor-in-chief, Sergeant Jones, the only editor who can make you drop and give you 50 pushups if you misuse the word "hopefully." My high school English teacher, shout out to Mr. Jenkins. And finally, I need to thank Ned Sampson... our editor-in-chief, my editor-in-chief. He gave me an opportunity that changed my life. And he tends to do that with people, so thank you. All you need to do to make a dream come true is chase it. Don't stop chasing. Thank you, Ned. I can't wait to celebrate with you tonight.
Emcee: This year, we have felt the loss of some of Ohio's most treasured journalists. Let us take a moment to honor them.
(Piano music plays)
Esmeralda: Good evening, my colleagues. (piano music stops) Keep playing, maestro. My name is Esmeralda Grand, and I'm so very sad for all these dead people. It's so sad to be dead. (sings) Oh, sad, dead journalist, you made your final deadline. You are gone. Sad dead journalist, you are gone. And no one will read you anymore. R.I.P.!
Detrick: Gloria and I, we just went... we went to go get drinks, right? I don't know how it happened. I was-- I don't know, one thing led to another, and we didn't have sex.
Nicole: You tricked me into a monogamous relationship.
Detrick: It won't happen again.
Nicole: Wow, that's great. I wish I could believe you, but how am I supposed to trust you? Am I supposed to, like, hire a detective and get a video of you sleeping with someone else? We had a good thing, and then you acted like a dog, all loyal.
Ned: (toward Wesley) Boo.
Mare: (laughs) You can't boo.
Ned: I'm saying "blue," like the cheese, 'cause he stinks.
Ned: Do I start with a joke?
Mare: What is the joke?
Ned: Being a good journalist runs in my blood. Literally. I cannot make mistakes, 'cause I'm 'typo' negative.
Oscar: Did we both not see the same thing tonight? Marv is in love with Ann. Probably has been for decades.
Ned: He's principled.
Oscar: Denying two people a lifetime of happiness is principled?
Ned: Ann works for him.
Oscar: So? He can get another job. Or he can stop being paralyzed by what other people think of him. A great man once said, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." ... Also an idiot I used to know.
Oscar: So what? So what, if you didn't win tonight? You made it to the stage a couple of times.
Esmeralda: Three.
Oscar: I counted two.
Esmeralda: I also made the toast at the wedding.
(Ned knocks on Mare's hotel room door. She opens the door...)
Ned: I didn't get to say my speech earlier on, and I thought that you might wanna hear it now.
Mare: You know, it's not really a good time.
Ned: I know. It's just... It's one part.
Mare: Okay.
Ned: Jokes aside, I did a joke. I want to thank one person, most of all. Someone that I consider my partner in this, and without whom, my days... Maybe you should read it.
Ned: Buddy and the Dude. We're making it work. We're making the paper work. This would be the classic, fastest way to mess everything up. We can't do that.
Mare: I don't know, maybe we just need to, like... get it out of our system. Just get it out of the way so we can go back to being pals again.
Esmeralda: (At the wedding) I would like to make a toast to this beautiful, beautiful couple. (to the Groom) My love, you are much shorter, right? Oh, my God. Well, how... How does this work? Uh... Oh, okay. No, but you look beautiful. You look beautiful, and I really wish you a long marriage. You just have to tolerate sometimes his affairs because... I mean, who is in charge between you guys? (to the Bride) Probably you, right? Because of the dimensions, maybe?
Travis: (dressed as Santa) Ho, ho, ho, guys.
Ken: Ho, ho, ho, indeed. Here he is, dear old Santa Clogs, handing out treats to the recently inconvenienced.
Ken: (to camera crew) Marv Putnam has put me in charge of doing some brand image rehabilitation for Softees after our bloody man mitts caused a bit of a sewer clog situation, allegedly. Well, Marv will finally see what old Ken Davies is capable of when he is given total control of a project. These may look like ordinary ice creams, but in actual fact, they are sample rolls of peppermint-scented toilet paper.
(KIDS SPITTING, COUGHING)
Kid: This isn't ice cream! It's toilet paper!
Mom: Why does it smell like dessert?
Ken: It's peppermint-infused tissue, madam, in the shape of the thing it smells of. What about that do you not understand?
Mare: We're investigating this farm three hours south of here that might be a cult. They might also just love growing squash, and all shop at the same poncho store, but come on. Also my neighbor's son is there, and he missed his mom's birthday, so I promised her we'd get to the bottom of it.
Detrick: Last night, I had a messed up dream. There was a guy in it. He was wearing a red poncho. He handed me a robe. And he said, Brother Detrick, don this. I didn't even know I knew what "don" meant. But I-- I donned it.
Mare: So you dream-joined the cult?
Detrick: I just don't think I should go. I'm too susceptible.
(About going to a farm to investigate if they are a cult)
Ned: I can go with you if Detrick can't.
Mare: Why? So you can be my bodyguard?
Ned: No. Because it's my favorite stall at the farmer's market. Love to see where they grow it all. If someone tries to hurt you, I will just let them.
Detrick: Don't drink the Kool-Aid, okay?
Mare: I won't.
Esmeralda: A few weeks ago, in the archive room, someone found a picture of Barry when he was 30, and he was very handsome. So that image stuck in my mind for several days. But then Barry did something very inappropriate, because when you think about a man that way, he knows that he can come into your dreams, and he can have his way with you. I am very sorry to say that Barry took that liberty. If it happened once, it would be okay, because I was willing. There was a mutual attraction. But then it happened every night! Like, Barry has come every night, unbidden, into my dreams, and he has had me. I have my needs, like everybody else, maybe more, but he is insatiable. And then the day after, I come into the office, and he pretends like nothing happened. How dares he?
Oscar: New comment on my South Pacific review at the Stranahan? "Do you get paid by the adverb over there? Write less pretentiously, a**hat."
Adelola: Oh, man. Gomudhens10 strikes again.
Adelola: (to the camera crew) Gomudhens10 is a troll on our website who pounces on us every time we make a tiny mistake and also includes some weirdly dated internet meme insult from 2012.
(The staff take turns reading the troll's comments)
Travis: "Wow, your third article about brook trout this week. It's amaze-balls how you refuse to broaden your scope."
Detrick: "Er-mer-gerd. Dangling modifier alert." I don't understand any of that.
Adam: (laughs) "Epic fact check fail." This is funny.
Marv: So you're saying this wasn't your idea?
Ken: Well, I mean, for the sake of gallantry, I would say it was my idea. But to be completely honest, I'm compelled to say that it was the idea of someone else. Named...Nicole Lee.
Marv: The girl from the newspaper?
Ken: She can be a forceful little madam.
Ken: We were, indeed, serving children ice cream that turned out to be toilet paper. Yeah, that's a good assessment.
Esmeralda: It's just that I think he's an incubus, like he is a sexual demon.
Nicole: Right. Hmm. Maybe that's something you should talk about with a professional.
Mare: K*ll, f*ck, marry everybody in the office?
Ned: I'd marry them all.
Mare: (SIGHS)
Ned: You?
Mare: F*ck Ken.
Ned: God.
Mare: And k*ll Ken.
Ned: Before or after?
Mare: (laughs) Same time.
Ned: Might be easier.
Ned: I hope I'm too smart to join a cult, but who knows? I fell for Blue Apron, so clearly there's a hole in my life, right?
Mare: (looking at a field while driving) Hey. sheep.
Ned: Oh, that one looks like Flossie. See that one?
Mare: Flossie?
Ned: Oh, my parents got me a pet lamb when I was 7.
Mare: Wait, but I thought you grew up in Cleveland Heights.
Ned: Yeah, we went to a petting zoo and I fell in love with this lamb, and I just begged my parents to get me one for the longest time, and I kept at it, and eventually they got me Flossie.
Mare: Wow. And Flossie was a live sheep.
Ned: A lamb, yes. And she was amazing. I loved her, but she was never fully housebroken. And so eventually, my dad sent her away to go live on a farm.
Mare: (laughs)
Ned: What?
Mare: I mean, there's like 300 unrelatable things about what you just said. First of all, that you were a young boy who desired a sheep. Then, your parents actually bought you one. Like, bought you a full-on live sheep, and now you think the poor thing lived to a ripe old age on a farmstead.
Ned: They sent photos.
Oscar: I wanna find them. I wanna find them and-- and grab them and just... Explain to them how funny it is, the whole scenario, how amusing it is to me. That's all. Because you can't-- But you can't because it's computers and it's internet, so you can't tell them 'cause you can't find them... -'cause there's no way--
Detrick: You can track down their IP address.
Oscar: IP address?
Detrick: Yeah, it's traceable.
Oscar: I can track them.
Travis: No, no, no, Oscar. Look at me, dude. Revenge is a very dark road and it can be surprisingly expensive.
Nicole: I never told you to rent an ice cream truck. I don't know if I've ever even spoken to you.
Ken: The important thing is Marv thinks it was your idea, so we are where we are.
Nicole: But...?
Ken: (reading an email from his phone) Does this ring a bell? "Dear Ken, my name is Nicole Lee. I would like to shadow you."
Nicole: I wrote that two years ago and you never responded.
Ken: This is me responding. Welcome aboard.
Nicole: I know what Ken's doing. He needs a scapegoat. But guess what? Goats climb fast.
Mare: (At a diner with Ned) Yeah, I think my dad took me to a pencil sharpener museum around here.
Ken: (appears in a polo shirt ands shorts) I don't believe in the exposed knee. Back home, we would call these the schoolmaster's delight. I swore off them for a reason.
Nicole: You look like the American half of a Ninety-Day Fiancée.
Ken: Should I do an American accent?
Nicole: I would like to hear that.
Ken: (in an American accent) I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese. I can do it better.
Nicole: Pretty good.
Travis: I'm at my limit with this coyness, Oscar. Just tell us who it is.
Oscar: Okay. The IP address Gomudhens10 can be traced to Suite 812, Anne Putnam's office.
Travis: Oh, my stars.
Detrick: Marv's assistant.
Adam: There's no way. Anne calls my kids cherubs.
Oscar: It makes perfect sense. I see it often in people over 50. They get trapped in the year that they join Facebook. It's as if the technology sends their brain into shock and their online personalities get frozen in time. So Anne is basically a snarky millennial trapped in the body of a boomer.
Mare: Any time I tried to ask a hard question, you got awkward and complimented a pumpkin.
Ned: They were legitimately huge.
Ned: At least you can tell your neighbor her son is safe.
Mare: They said he was selling zucchini in Canada?
Ned: Yeah. Sounds like he's really rising through the ranks. It's great.
Ken: Do you know what? When I decided to pin all of the blame on you, that was completely at random. But now I see everything happens for a reason.
Nicole: (on television doing Ken's interview) We were trying to make a product to help men and kids stay clean. But we failed you, Toledo. And we hope you give us the chance to make it up to you.
Interviewer: Thank you, Nicole Lee.
Nicole: And thank you, Toledo, for trusting us with your tushies.
Marv: (laughs) Tushies. Great job, Nicole.
Oscar: We traced your IP address. It's you. We know it's you. You know it's you, and you should be ashamed.
Travis: Well, you don't gotta yell at her, dude.
Oscar: Well, okay.
Ann: Oh, dear. Marv was right. Marv was right. He told me that I should set a password. And I always said, well, Marv, what for? I haven't had a secret since I was 30. Heh. And-- And he was-- he was right. I mean, I'm up and down from my desk all day long, running errands for Marv. And anybody could just sneak in here, and they could do whatever they wanted with my computer. I mean, they could do porn.
Ann: I do think that whoever that troll is, that they just want to hold the Truth Teller to a high standard of quality, that's all. Marv invests a lot of money in that paper. So we've got to make sure that it's awesome sauce.
Esmeralda: (After kissing Barry) You have been kissing on the 17th day of the month. I command you to forsake me! Set me free, set me free, set me free. The spell is broken. (walks away)
Barry: Okay, fine.
Mare: My building, the plumbing stopped working two days ago, and it's really disgusting.
Ned: Okay. Did you tell the landlord?
Mare: Yes, yes. It's the whole building.
Ned: God, what's that smell?
Mare: I'm doing what I can.
Ned: It's not a bad smell. If you want, you can go to my place and take a shower-- -Uh, while I stay here, I mean.
Mare: I know. Wouldn't that be weird?
Ned: No. It's easy-peasy. There's a really nice shampoo. Don't use that. There's some towels that you should hang up after-- I'll write you out a list.
Barry: It's a damn disaster. My girlfriend's from this neighborhood, and she's been living in my apartment this whole time.
Oscar: It is true the city is taking its time fixing the clog. Residents are stuck using porta-potties.
Barry: There's porta-potties? Come on, Roxanne.
Esmeralda: Oh, my goodness. Why are there children and mothers everywhere? Is Group C boarding on a Southwest flight? (laughs)
Ken: Man Mitts sales are already so encouraging, we have decided to expand the brand. Next stop, Kid Mitts, coming this fall. Our ad agency has been scouring Midwest middle schools looking for a "Petey, the hasty wiper." We need a little face with real star power to launch Kid Mitts, since Man Mitts is our most valuable product.
Ned: I'm not calling your a**-wiping glove the penicillin of personal hygiene.
Ken: Just because it happens to be owned by the same company that owns the newspaper.
Ned: Yes! Separation of church and state.
Ken: There are occasions when church and state need to team up.
Ned: Like what, the Inquisition?
Esmeralda: My son, Matteo, is very talented. Very Chalamet. From Dune,not Wonka.
Matteo: I was in the middle of a math test.
Esmeralda: So what? Addition, subtraction? Who do you want to be when you grow up? A florist?
Nicole: What do you think the clog is gonna be?
Mare: Tree roots?
Nicole: My guess is restaurant grease. Travis bet me it'd be an alligator corpse.
City Worker: Here she comes.
Mare: Why is the sewer blockage a she?
Ned: Is that-- Holy crap.
Mare: Man Mitts. See how the fingers link up?
Oscar: It's the Hands Across America of sewer clogs. And I don't care if that reference dates me.
Ned: But the Man Mitt is flushable.
Mare: (scoffs) Is it? The sewer guy said there was 50 yards jammed in the pipes. He said it looked like hundreds of Mickey Mouses had been caught stealing by the Taliban.
Ned: I wonder what Marv would do if we publish it.
Mare: If we publish it?
Ned: When we publish it.
Mare: You're smiling.
Ned: So are you, psycho.
Mare: Can we talk about something? Girl to girl.
Kimberly: Of course, Mare Bear. Girl on girl.
Mare: Hot... Gorgeous braid. Is it somebody's birthday?
Kimberly: I mean, every Wednesday is someone's birthday. When is yours, blondie?
Mare: So, um, the Man Mitt. You guys have been moving a lot of those bad boys lately, huh?
Kimberly: Yeah.
Mare: All right, here's my question. Have you guys gotten any complaints that they're not actually flushable?
Kimberly: Get off my desk.
Matteo: (reading from a script) "Thanks to Kid Mitts, I have more time with this mitt. Holds up a baseball glove."
Esmeralda: Where does it say the character took Xanax? ...I'm thinking about dinner tonight. You know, I would love to make your favorite, spaghetti al pomodoro and French fries. I'll make them for you. But if you don't learn this, forget about dinner. No lines, no dinner, okay?
Matteo: (reading from a script) "And the best thing is, I'm not itchy down there, 'cause I know I'm getting everything."
Ned: Nicole, Detrick, Adam, Adelola, can you come see me, please?
Nicole: (to the camera crew) Can you blur my face? I love my Enervate family. I'm only here because Ned is making me.
Ned: You're my hero, Nicole.
Ned: Um... Travis. I'm sorry, but we are working on something that might compromise Softees. I have to ask you to recuse yourself from this one.
Travis: Damn. Okay. I understand, sir. Guess you want my press badge back.
Ned: Oh, that's not necess-- Where'd you get that?
Travis: I made it.
Ned: Oh. Then I might take it.
Barry: First order of business, Charlie's Angels. Too sexy for primetime? Have pro and con on my desk in fifteen.
Esmeralda: (to another mother) Cute kid. Congratulations. You know, I worry about him having a career. Because you see what happens to these child actors? They start heroin really early, like... Sometimes they vomit on you. Then they prostitute themselves, yes. He doesn't look like, but he will. Then one day, they just stab you in the bed, and that's it. Lot of blood.
Ken: I was wondering if I could enlist your unsavory services to get rid of some documents.
Travis: Well, that depends. Are you willing to follow me to a second location without question?
Ken: Yes, sir.
Travis: And a third, if need be?
Ken: I'd rather just start in a third, then maybe move on to a fourth.
Travis: So the Brit means business.
Travis: Yeah, people tend to just trust me. It's something about the beard and soft eyes combination. People say I look like a young Kris Kringle.
(Mare and Nicole are watching an old Softees motivational sales video)
Ned: Hey, Dante, what's good? How many units did you move last week?
Dante: I don't know, twenty?
Ned: Twenty? I move more units to trick-or-treaters on Halloween and I live in a cul-de-sac. You clearly don't want it, dawg. Dante clearly doesn't want it.
(In an old Softees motivational sales video)
Ned: You wanna know how to sell like me? Well, bad news. I can't tell you that. I can't give you the keys to this Porsche. It only starts for me and my fingerprint ignition. You know that wasn't cheap. But here's the thang. Each one of you has your own luxury vehicle hidden inside you. You've just got to figure out what starts your engine. So let me hear your engines.
Ned: (referring to the sales video) I know it's a little cheesy.
Mare: You looked like you, but like 25 percent more oily. You looked flammable. (laughs)
Ned: Okay, yeah, all right. The hair is a little bit... But the look is an important part of it so...
Mare: You looked like if Draco Malfoy had a cocaine problem.
(Laughter)
Ned: Well, it was a very demanding job, and I made a lot of money for the company. So maybe we just go back to the emails.
Mare: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I hurt your feelings.
Ned: No, no, not at all. I like it. I like being ribbed. You look like Macaulay Culkin now. You look like an asshole. It's important we can all make fun of each other. I think it's a really fun thing to do, but that's not who I am anymore, okay? Maybe we can just move on with our lives, get back to work.
Mare: Totally.
Nicole: You look like if bottle service was a person. Sorry, I haven't been able to get mine in.
Esmeralda: Do you think we can play with this a bit? For the kid, you know, he's a bit tense.
Casting Director: (nods)
Esmeralda: Okay, great. So, I am the young man, okay? (sighs) "Hey, sweetheart! How was soccer today?" (gasps) There is a lightning storm! (GASPING, SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I just switched bodies with my mom. She has my body now, and I am the beautiful woman! Wow! (SIGHS) Oh, this is how it feels to have clean underwear? I'm going to spend her money to buy the wipes I need to clean myself.
Esmeralda: (continues) Ha! I mean, this is just one direction. There are many other possibilities. Millions. Millions.
Casting Director: Wow.
Ken: Our warehouse is still half-full. I can't afford your precious conscience. So, by the powers vested in me by Marv not being here, I declare this article canceled. The state has shut down the churches.
Ned: Then the church... condemns you to hell.
Ned: Excuse me, everyone. I have something, ahem, very noble to say. Do I have your attention? Good. Okay. I have to do something very important right now and very, very difficult. We didn't ask to write a story about the flushability of Softees' Man Mitts. That story came to us, and it demanded to be told. So now I must do that which every newsman dreads. I must sacrifice myself for the good of the paper and the community... by resigning as editor-in-chief of the Toledo Truth Teller. If you must shed tears, do not shed them on my account. Shed them for justice, because justice has not been served today. As my final act before this historic resignation, I hereby appoint Mare Pritti as acting editor of my beloved Truth Teller. Okay. Heavy lies the crown.
Adam: Hey, Ned?
Ned: Yeah?
Adam: Let me know where you want me to send your last paycheck.
Oscar: Your mom sure is something, huh?
Matteo: Yeah.
Oscar: Hey, did you ever hear of gray rocking?
Matteo: No.
Oscar: It's what I use on my mom. My mom's a pretty toxic narcissist. She loves drama. So whenever she got into one of her moods, I'd make myself as uninteresting as possible, like a little gray rock.
Matteo: Gray rocking, huh? Thank you.
Oscar: (aside to the camera crew) Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved, but I just wanted to give the kid a fighting chance. Oh, and the little I'm-like-you routine? Don't believe it? My mother was a saint.
Matteo: (aside to the camera crew) That old man's a narcissist if he thinks I'm gonna listen to him over my own mom. That guy doesn't buy my Wendy's.
Ken: Try our new Greek bowl. There's always a bowl, isn't there, in America? Everything's bowls with you guys...
Mare: Your prints are all over the Man Mitts prototype.
Ken: Hmm. Hmm.
Mare: (quoting the documents she has as evidence) "I champion this. Ken Davies. The innovation we need. Ken Davies."
Ken: Mm-hmm.
Mare: "Love it! More! Yum, yum. Ken Davies... Ken Davies."
Ken: I've been blackmailed by enough women over the years to know when they're in it for the thrill and when they actually want something. On with it.
Mare: I want you to let us publish this so Ned can un-resign without looking like a wuss.
Ned: (excited) Whoo! Come on, guys. We got some mitts to sell. All eyes on me. These are no longer wipes for p00p that we flush down the toilet. These are kitchen wipes that you throw in the trash. All right? All-purpose, all-surface, sturdy, ergonomic kitchen wipes. You got it? You got it?
Ned: Sometimes, the best way to serve the paper is by publishing an important story. Sometimes, it's by quitting. And sometimes, it is by selling a boatload of rebranded kitchen wipes. Today, it was all three.
Ken: (As Nicole emerged from the bathroom) Twenty-two minutes. That's how long your computer's been inactive. What were you doing in there? Faffing around? Watching the latest episode of "So You Think You Can Dillydally"?
Nicole: You can't ask me that.
Ken: So not a denial per se. I shall be alerting the wage-garnishers.
Ken: (to the camera crew) They are only allowed to work on the newspaper couple of hours a day. Now, this program here, voila, that lets me know whenever their computer is inactive. (alert noise sounds) And! Here we go! Oscar hasn't touched his spreadsheet for 15 minutes. Oh, dear. You're scamming the company, mate.
Adelola: I'm so tired of asking Adam to move my mouse every time I'm out on a story.
Adam: I've got my own mouse to worry about.
Travis: It's something I designed to stuff down the throat of a dead frog to make it wiggle, so a trout would wanna eat it. And I was confident enough to make about 144 of them. But the suits at Bass Pro Shops didn't get it.
Ned: We're enjoying this meeting. Everyone sort of nodding, nodding a little bit. Yes. Yes! I am actively agreeing with you.
Ken: (looking at his tablet that monitors the office computers) Everyone busy, busy. My little dwarves. And I'm Snow White, their boss. The tough but fairest of them all.
Ken: Some people tend to lose all dignity in the face of their betters. Fortunately, it usually gets them precisely nowhere. Men of quality-- Your Marv Putnams of this world. --they can see right through you.
Adelola: I can't stand it when people lose their spine the second a person higher up on the pay scale notices them. It's like the hidden cost of capitalism. Like, your labor is not enough, they want your dignity too. I do not play that game.
(Ned approaches Marv to ask a question)
Ken: Do you have an appointment?
Ned: I just wanna ask a question.
Ken: I didn't see you in Marv's schedule, mate. Listen. Just because the boss is on your floor, it doesn't mean that you've gone up in the world. You're like a child sitting on a pilot's lap who thinks he's flying the plane. Well, guess what? He's not. They're not insured for that.
Ned: Marv! I love you.
Marv: Yeah. Love you, bud. Love this.
Travis: Hey, there's no shame in publicly showing love to another man in the workplace, okay? Me and Garcia say we love each other all the time. Watch this. Love you, Garcia!
Garcia: Love you, man!
Nicole: Hey, Detrick. Love you, bro.
Detrick: (surprised) What?
Nicole: I'm just a boy, standing in front of his boss--
Detrick: That's not something to joke about.
Nicole: Love, Actually?
Detrick: Hm, Yeah. It's Notting Hill, but whatever.
Adelola: Just curious, do your dad and Marv go to the same yacht club?
Ned: Ha! Okay. Ha, ha! My dad doesn't have a yacht. Okay? He's a pilot. He owns a Piper Cub twin engine. He once had to crash land in a field, like Harrison Ford. So...
Ken: I went to university with a man called J. Autumn Reed, currently COO of DS Smith. He is in the midst of a rather nasty divorce and is looking for a change. If the board of Enervate got wind of the fact that Marv is slipping, and J. Autumn Reed is waiting in the wings, well they would cast Marv out to sea on a block of ice with a new Rolex, saying thanks but no thanks. And I happen to know that J. Autumn Reed is a man who remembers his friends.
Esmeralda: Would J. Autumn Reed also remember friends of friends?
Ken: God, yeah.
Esmeralda: Ken. We have to know that we trust each other.
Ken: Do we not know that?
Esmeralda: Well, if Marv hears about this before they float him away, we are done.
Ken: Listen, babe. We are in a tribe of two, indelibly linked together with a silent bond for eternity.
Esmeralda: To the grave.
Nate: (interrupts the conversation) Sounds risky to me. See, what if J. Autumn Reed and his wife patch things up?
Esmeralda: So... You know, this conversation that maybe you overheard?
Ken: I mean, how much of that did you hear exactly?
Nate: I didn't hear much. Yeah.
(Ken and Esmeralda sigh)
Ken: ...Just the part where you guys were gonna get Marv fired and then divide the company for yourselves. That's the only part.
Mare: We didn't even get to cover Jeep Week last year, because Esmeralda bailed when they wouldn't gift her a Grand Cherokee.
Marv: What about that, uh, girl sits outside your office?
Ned: Whoa, stop.
Marv: You should ask her out. You have your first boy, you gift me a crock-pot.
Ned: You're being weird. Stop being weird.
Marv: It's an Ohio tradition.
Nate: (talking to the camera crew) Marketing is tricky. And I don't really have a background in it. But I noticed for a while now that Enervate's not really taking advantage of their socials like they should. So I've been Googling things...
Ken: (interrupting) Mr. Wells. Good to see you. Hello, partner.
Esmeralda: Wow, you're talking to the crew. About mops?
Nate: Uh, no. We're talking about marketing. So you know that proposal that you guys offered me? I thought about it, and you know what, let's do this.
Esmeralda: But which proposal are you talking about? Oh, yes. About cleaning faster or cleaning better?
Nate: Oh, no, you don't have to worry about them. They're the ones that brought up your evil plan to me. I figured you already told them.
Ken: What it was, was it was a loyalty test.
Esmeralda: Yes.
Ken: We were testing Nate's loyalty.
Esmeralda: It was a loyalty test. Because janitors, more than anyone, they have to be loyal.
Ken: Gotta be loyal.
Esmeralda: Because of the stuff they find in the trash. Or in the toilets.
Esmeralda: (Trying to explain her subterfuge) We are practicing a play...our first. In a certain scenario, these characters would take over, which is a very common plot in so many plays... We could do a movie, about a musical about a movie about a musical about a movie about a musical...
Adelola: (to Ned) That was kind of mean. You're mean.
Adam: Yeah. Marv was like Bambi's mom, and you were like...the gun.
Ned: It wasn't that bad, was it?
Detrick: My Nana lives in a care facility. If I caught a nurse yelling at her like that, we'd get a discount that month.
Ned: Every morning, I have a very strong coffee, and then I cycle to work. And on my way, I have to stop at the McGundry Park bathrooms. I'm a creature of habit. This morning, those bathrooms were mysteriously padlocked, so I became a creature of panic.
Ned: Sorry, guys. Small bladder.
Glen: Didn't sound like urine.
Ned: Esmeralda, would you like to go next?
Esmeralda: Oh, my God. Thank you. (laughs) Oh, no, I'm sorry. I feel a bit nervous. A room full with real journalists.
Esmeralda: (to the camera crew) Oh, no. I'm not nervous in front of nerds.
Esmeralda: This is an urgent, necessary story for anyone who likes being hot.
Barry: That's me.
Esmeralda: Bravo, Barry. Exactly. The Korean beauty company, Ulzzang, has found that their Phenol Revitalizing Mask is the most effective face product in face history. Wow.
Ned: Wow.
Ned: If there was just some way to broaden the scope beyond the existence of a product and where to buy it.
Esmeralda: Oh, yes, of course. I can cover the price as well.
Ned: Uh-- Ah...
Nicole: Esmeralda's article seems like clickbait. And yours seems like something my mom would text and it wouldn't be clear why.
Ken: I don't know if I've ever told you guys about my old childhood friend, Douglas Keane. So, Douglas grew up in a 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff.
Travis: Sounds sick as hell.
Ken: It does. Thank you, Travis. But do you know how Douglas' parents paid for this 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff? Anyone? Oscar?
Oscar: Textiles?
Ken: Pardon me?
Oscar: Textiles?
Ken: Prostitution. I'll give you it. Prostitution. Well, we are Douglas Keane. This beautiful office is the 10-bedroom estate, and these, yes, slightly dodgy clickbait articles are prostituting themselves for us.
Esmeralda: Ned accuses me of sensationalizing stories. Now, since when sensation is a bad thing? Ask a box of condoms.
Esmeralda: (On her tactic of sneaking into City Hall) I don't really have a migraine. This is just me being great at journalism!
Mare: I mean, the story's gonna be simple. It's gonna be like this big. (holds up fingers to indicate a tiny amount)
Esmeralda: No, that's your problem. If you think small, your life is small. Like an ant.
Adam: I just can't have any more kids. Four is just about manageable, because you get one per hand per adult. But five, I don't even-- I've been thinking, like, how do you even--? How do you even do that? Do you use a foot? Then people think you're kicking them?
Detrick: Nicole's not doing great. It was the kombucha that got her. I feel like that stuff, it does need to be refrigerated. That's why when you buy it from the store, it's always in the refrigerator.
Mare: (referring to Ned with a blue face mask) You look like an avatar.
Ned: They're called Na'vi, actually.
Esmeralda: Mare, I think we should-- (shrieks) Oh, my God! Oh, don't kill me! Blue beast!
Adam: Ken, what if it, like, supercharges my semen?
Ken: Pardon me?
Adam: Supercharges my semen. I can't afford another kid.
Ken: Have you never heard of contraception? Get some sheep intestines, tie a knot in it, you're good to go.
Esmeralda: You are going to squeeze him for information. You'll milk him.
Mare: Why can't you go?
Esmeralda: Because I spoke to him on the phone and he recognizes my voice, you know. I could actually try an American accent. "Merry Christmas, Frank. Nice cheeseburger, buddy."
Mare: I'll do it.
(At the Macaroni Barn)
Hostess: Hi, table for one tonight, ma'am?
Esmeralda: Excuse me?
Hostess: Table for one?
Esmeralda: No. No. Never. What you have here is not food. It's bullsh*t. It's not even Italian, you know?
Ned: (sees Mare in a black cocktail dress) You look... You look so nice.
Mare: I think part of your face just fell off.
Ned: Oh, thanks. (into his phone) 8:42. Large chunk of left cheek just dislodged. Pain is down to an 8 and a half.
Esmeralda: Pride month is starting. We have to get ready. This meeting is about the pride float.
Mare: I thought maybe gay pride and prejudice.
Esmeralda: It's too stiff.
Oscar: Dungeons and drag queens.
Esmeralda: I hate that so much. Pride float is supposed to be a lot of fun.
Ken: How would everyone feel about Esmeralda throwing rainbow-colored toilet rolls into the crowd at the parade?
Oscar: I don't think that's necessary. No one wants rainbow toilet paper.
Ken: Love your opinion. Oscar, your voice is incredibly valuable.
Ken: I love celebrating the LGBTQIA plus community. If it was down to me our corporation would support gay people all year round.
Nicole: Is this a true crime? And if so, how detailed are you gonna get?
Mare: I love true crime. Calms me down before I go to sleep.
Adelola: Oh, my God, me too. I was like this close to starting a murder podcast.
Mare: I'd listen to that.
Detective Arnold: I'm afraid this is worse.
Nicole: Worse than murder?
Policeman: No, worse than a murder podcast.
Travis: An alt-comedy podcast with a religious bent?
Detective Arnold: That bad.
Esmeralda: American women are so gullible. Do you know that over half of them die from eating expired food?
Ned: So, a serial catfisher on the dating app Latch has been posing as service members who grew up in Toledo. This catfisher matches on the app with a real Toledoan and then reveals that they are "stationed in Germany." After a lot of flattery and flirtation over DM, the catfish drops that they don't have enough money to come home for Thanksgiving. We see where this is going. The pathetic mark, out of pity, or more probably lust-- These are lonely people. --they start wiring money to the catfish. At first, just enough for the plane ticket home from Germany to Ohio, but soon the love letters multiply, okay, along with requests for more funds. The nicknames the catfish will often use. -Sweet Cheeks, Baby Babe. Cookie Princess, Baby Baby, and babe babe, also sometimes just baby, but you should look out for all of them.
(A concerned looking Esmeralda leaves the room)
Nicole: No way.
Esmeralda: I'm concerned for a friend of mine. She is like a sister to me. She is like-- Yeah, dark hair, tiny, beautiful. She's like a twin. Like, imagine the German version of me. So I'm just a bit worried that she could be the victim of this dangerous internet catman.
Adelola: (Peering at Esmeralda in her office) Oh, she's so got catfished.
Nicole: You're burnt, Esmeralda!
Nicole: (To the camera crew) What's the beef with me and Esmeralda? Well, I made a list. She told me my voice puts her to sleep. She told me to put on blush because I blended into the white wall. I dress like I shop from a box of clothes from an estate sale for an old man who died a virgin. That one's oddly specific. Oh, yeah, and she made me buy her son a guinea pig with my own money. So, yeah, I'm gonna hit her while she's down.
Oscar: It looked like she saw a ghost.
Adam: That's what that was.
Ned: Oh, wow. This could be a huge story for us. This could be a three-parter. The Cleveland Plain Dealer won a Sydney award last year for my steps on the cult leader.
Adelola: Ooh! I read that. I blame the dad.
Ned: Imagine, right? The first installment, we just say the facts. Then we reveal it happened to one of our own. Part two, we publish the DMs. Can the victim ever trust again? Then, oh, my God. Part three, are our apps failing us? How can she find love now? Ah!
Adelola: Oh, God.
Detrick: She has a son too.
Ned: Oh, did he ever call him dad? Hee-hee! Four parts!
Mare: We really shouldn't be victim shaming, even if the victim is--
Adelola: A self-hating woman who has way too many serpent bells.
Adam: A really mean lady.
Mare: All right. We got it out of our system.
Travis: I just want to say for the record, guys, catfish are beautiful creatures and they don't deserve to be slandered like this.
Ned: I was an elite toilet paper salesman, and that takes patience. People don't always need toilet paper when you're trying to sell it to them. But eventually, they will need it. And who will be there when they need to use the bathroom?
Ned: What's his name?
Esmeralda: Jarson.
Ned: His name is Jarson?
Esmeralda: Yes. It's a common American name. It's Jason and Jared combined.
Ned: You could help a lot of people by participating in this story, but first you need to admit the truth to yourself.
Esmeralda: Here's my truth. I need you to go away because I need to take some nudes to send to Jarson.
Esmeralda: So what? What's all the talk about? What are the chattering chickens clacking about? My boyfriend? Here he is. (Shows a framed portrait) That's a picture of him holding a picture of me. Look at his hands, like, the way he holds my picture.
Oscar: That looks like Josh Holloway.
Esmeralda: No, that's my Jarson.
Mare: That guy? From Lost?
Esmeralda: Yeah, he was. Until he found me.
Esmeralda: When there is a group of single women and one woman finds happiness in love, the other single women try to take that happy woman down. You know, like, um, in a bowling pot of lobsters, you know, lobsters? Do you know that the male lobsters all lazily accept their fate, while the female lobsters try to get out, but, you know, clawing down each other during the process? They will not claw down this lobster.
Ken: (Outside Esmeralda's office) This is potentially a huge opportunity for me. They say that if you nurse a wounded tiger back to good health, he won't attack you. Eh... (knocks and opens the door a bit)
Esmeralda: Get out.
Ken: (leaves quickly) And off I go.
Mare: Ooh! You look rich in this photo. That is good Jarson bait. Actually, you look rich in a lot of these photos.
Ned: No, I don't.
Mare: I'm sorry. Does your family own their own pickleball court?
Ned: That's not pickleball. It's platform tennis. My uncle had one installed two summers ago, and he is strictly middle class. That was a huge part of his mayoral platform.
Adam: (on the phone) Sweetie, she was a good friend of mine. Or is a good friend of mine. I just haven't seen her in years because you told me she was dead. Well, I-- I care because it's not true. You didn't just get it wrong. You told me she hit her head on a coral reef off of Komodo Island and the dragons got to what was left. It was very graphic.
Oscar: The catfisher paid Josh to make a video. That's how come he keeps talking about Jarson in the third person.
Esmeralda: You don't believe in love! People talk like that all the time. Esmeralda thinks you're all stupid! See?
Ned: I used to cut my grandmother's toenails. Is that a thing? What, she-she didn't like anyone else doing it after her arthritis got bad. I didn't mind. She's family. She'd kick me in the face if I cut them too short. R.I.P. Granny Raz. You sure that's funnier than my ultimate Frisbee team story? How half of them thought I was left-handed when I wasn't?
Mare: Both of them make me nauseous, but for different reasons.
Adelola: Learning about the catfishing today has been a real eye-opener. It has given me the tools needed to extract $1400 from six old men.
Barry: (To the camera crew) I just gave Adelola $300. She doesn't know it was me. I catfished her.
Student: Do you think an over-reliance on anonymous sources damages public trust?
Travis: That's an amazing question. And it's very curious. Who wants to take this one? I feel like I'm monopolizing the conversation.
Adelola: Okay, personally, I have never found the need to use anonymous sources in either of my articles, so.
Student: You've only written two?
Ned: But she's only starting out, so.
Student: Yeah, but I'm a freshman and I've written thirty.
Student: What are your rules on asking leading questions?
Detrick: Oh, I'll take this one. The great thing about journalism, we have no rules.
Mare: Yes, we do. Um... Those are really tempting. Instead of saying something like, "You were outraged by his behavior, weren't you?" It'd be better to say something like, "Did you have a strong emotion? Yes or no?"
Student: Well, Mrs. Hanks taught us that we shouldn't ask yes or no questions because it discourages someone from elaborating.
Mare: Yes.
Travis: (To the visiting students) Is there like a way we could come to your school and shadow you for a bit?
Student: What does it cost to run Truth Teller every year?
Ned: Oh, I don't know, the monthly budget is about a half a million dollars?
Student: Whoa.
Ned: Pretty cool, right?
Student: How do you expect you can survive with so much waste?
Adam: (To Ned and student who is in Ned's office) Hey. Travis says that a byline is a reporter's name at the beginning of an article, but isn't a byline like the article's very last line? It's like, "Bye"?
Ned: (To the student) Don't write that down.
Ned: Our budget is still carrying pensions from typesetters who retired in 1991 who keep living. And this kid just hits publish for free and it's not even good. Oh, look at this, are you sure that you mean "inflammable," SoWesley, and not "flammable?" I mean, it's only the exact opposite meaning. Ever heard of proofreading?
Oscar: (To the camera crew) Just because I'm writing for the paper doesn't mean I want to be a part of this documentary. I don't. So let me be ultra-clear, the only reason I am doing this is to promote my art and leisure beat.
Detrick: I think I should've used a better wood. I used pine like a simp. I don't think she likes pine.
Travis: Nah, no, no. It's not the wood. It's the woodsman. A hand-carved bird? You might as well have carved her an engagement ring. You're freaking her out. And you're freaking me out. You're freaking Adelola out. And frankly, you're freaking out all the Softees guys back there.
Detrick: How many people know about this?
Travis: Everyone who's facing this way.
Detrick: So, what-- What should I do? Act like I don't like her?
Travis: Exactly. Dude, I'm icing out my stepdad right now, and he's begging for it.
Ned: I'd really appreciate it if you took the story down, pal.
Wesley: Not gonna happen. Also, "flammable" and "inflammable" are the same.
Ned: Wesley, I'm sorry, you're just wrong here.
Ken: He's right. The same. "Flammable" and "inflammable".
Ned: (COnfused) That makes no sense.
Esmeralda: Wesley, hi. Ciao. This is Esmeralda Grand, managing editor of TTT Online, very cool, very sexy, very innovative. I want to apologize for Ned. He resents children because he can't have any of his own. He sat on a stove in high school. And it was on.
Ned: That's not true. That didn't happen.
Ned: The two types of media work completely differently. You have a blog, one person reads it. That's it. You have a paper... They might leave that in a coffee shop. Someone else comes in, they read it, take it with them. They leave it on the bus. Now you've got two people reading it. Someone else picks that up. Three people. That person's homeless, they wrap themselves in it at night. Can't wrap yourself in a blog.
Esmeralda: Did you see what this little brat did?
Ned: (reading) "Esmeralda Grand, 51, Editor of TTT Online, begged me to work for her, quote, 'sexy website.' Was she hoping to violate more than child labor laws?"
Ned: You're a lot of things, but you're not--
Esmeralda: Fifty-one! I know. It's slander!
Esmeralda: (Talking about how to get revenge on Wesley) We convince him his father is not his real father. Kids hate that.
Ned: That's interesting.
Esmeralda: We smear a little dog sh*t on his retainer. Just a little teaspoon.
Ned: How would we get into his...?
Esmeralda: Through the window. We give him Lyme disease. I think I have the right kind of ticks.
Ned: I got it. We anonymously send Wesley a fake press release. If he publishes it everyone finds out that he doesn't verify his sources, and his whole reputation is destroyed.
Esmeralda: Oh, wow, yes, boom! And so he's untrustworthy and I'm not 51.
Ned: Yes. We just need a believable press release. So... Um... Layoffs? Potential upcoming layoffs at Corning Glass.
Esmeralda: Wow. Incredible. Such a perfect level of bland. How do you do that?
Ned: It comes naturally.
Ken: How are you letting a child beat you to this?
Ned: No, no, Ken. I'm the one beating the child.
Ned: Did I go too far? What is too far? Is it using the power of the press to disgrace a high schooler? That's probably too far. And I think I went it.
Mare: Oh, my God, you should hear the voicemails. I got called several different species of animals, including bitter cow, frigid pig, venomous snake, and poisonous dog. (LAUGHS)
Ned: The most important part of any article is the byline. You get one reputation in this life. Protect it, at all costs.
Student: Who said this?
Ned: (checks his phone) Geraldo Rivera.
Ned: I started something called the "Also News." We print it right here, it's distributed only on this floor, and Adam is the star reporter for the "Also News."
Adelola: I wrote a sad story about a woman who owned a pet pig...
(She holds up a paper with the headline "Yvette Stevens, Pig, To be Evicted")
Adelola: The pig was also named Yvette, so that didn't help.
Ed: So I thought, as we're all still new to this, we could play a little game to train our instincts. The game is called "Two Truths And A Lie". It's fun.
Detrick: Uh, the drinking game, right?
Nicole: Oh, I would actually prefer not to drink at work if that's okay.
Ned: We're not gonna drink. No one's drinking.
Barry: Ahem. (Leaves the meeting room)
Ned: Remember, you're listening for the ring of truth and the clonk of lies.
Travis: Okay.
Ned: Go.
Adelola: Okay. I buy a new toothbrush every week, I can't feel pain on the bottoms of my feet, and I once misdialed a phone number and accidentally called Martin Lawrence.
Travis: Okay, well, you don't have that many good stories. So I don't think you would've held onto the Martin Lawrence thing for that long, right? Unless it's not the Martin Lawrence that we all know and love.
All: Ooh.
Travis: May I please see the bottoms of your feet?
Adelola: No.
Travis: Martin Lawrence is a lie.
Adam: Nice.
Ned: Very good. Very good.
Detrick: That was good.
Barry: I once knocked out Muhammad Ali.
Detrick: And?
Barry: And what?
Adelola: (Holds up phone) Okay, who doesn't have any good stories?
Martin Lawrence's voice on the phone: Oh, my goodness. You've reached Martin Lawrence. When you hear that beep, you know what to do.
All: What?
Adelola: Well, the first time I called him, he thought I was his niece, and we had this sweet heart-to-heart about my spending habits, but ever since then it just goes to voicemail, yeah.
Esmeralda: Ugh, Ned is still here. Perhaps he has cockroach DNA. Do you know cockroach? That you try to smash it but then it doesn't die? He turns on his back, you know? That's Ned. And you pretend that you're happy that he's alive.
Ken: What is our Wirecutter? What is our Wordle? We need things which keep people's minds off the bloody news. You have to remember our core audience is people on toilets.
Mare: In the 90s, the paper used to do this section called "Shame On You." We'd like, uncover a business scam and catch them in the act.
Ned: Oh. That's-- Okay, that's good. I like that.
Ken: I've got a list of businesses who wouldn't advertise with us, so you can select your targets from there.
Esmeralda: Ned. I'm so sorry about the disappointing news. You must be very sad.
Ned: What's--? Uh... Sorry, what?
Esmeralda: Oh, because you don't know? About Mare? Mare, the woman whose parents named her after a horse. She's leaving us for the hotel business.
Esmeralda: I will never get a fair hearing from Ned. I mean, I could be the most amazing reporter on this planet, some people say I am. But I could never beat the sex pheromones that Mare is putting out there.
Esmeralda: (referring to Mare) She's your favorite. I saw you looking at her like a dog on my auntie's leg. (She imitates the motion of a dog humping a leg)
Ned: Nno, no, no. Stop that. That is not-- Hey, stop that!
Mare: If you had to put odds on us succeeding, you know, near future, long-term. What are you feeling? A number.
Ned: Ninety-five percent. Ninety-five percent. I'm leaving 5 percent open in case of asteroid, which'd be a shame because that would be a great story.
Mare: You wanna come to some mattress stores with me?
Ned: Because you've got such a fun job, let's both enjoy it.
Mare: Sure. Woodward and Woodward's boss.
Nicole: Detrick. I don't really think of him that way. My type historically has been know-it-alls who don't really like me. So pretty much the complete opposite of Detrick.
Oscar: Saying that work is fun is a form of pressure. Quite frankly, it's giving me PTSD from an old boss.
Nicole: Where'd you get that sushi? There's no sushi around here.
Detrick: Oh, I hate to disagree with you right off the bat, but they have it at the gas station.
Nicole: Ew. When'd you get that sushi? You haven't left all day, and your car was here when I got in.
Detrick: Okay, "The Noticer."
Nicole: Yeah, that's what they call me.
Detrick: Cool. There's a new noticer in town.
Detrick: How about this. I ask you a question, you don't wanna answer it, you, uh, eat a piece of sushi. It's not that bad, for real.
Nicole: Well, there's your lie.
(Preparing for their sting at the mattress store)
Mare: So, what kind of couple should we be?
Ned: Just a regular couple... Not regular. Uh, hetero... Cis? I don't understand. What are you asking?
Mare: No, just I mean, are we bougie, you know? Or are we cheap? Are we too online? Are we not online, you know? Do we have kids? Do you want kids and I don't, and it's tearing us?
Ned: If this is making you at all uncomfortable, we don't have to be a couple at all, all right? We can just be brother and sister.
Mare: Who are buying a mattress together?
Ned: Our mom gets debilitating bladder infections. She's-- She's incontinent. We have to buy a mattress for her.
Mare: My God, we're just a couple, okay?
Mare: We actually just saw one over at Twice Upon A Mattress that looks identical to the StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam, but it was $1550. Would you honor that price?
Salesperson: I assure you, the StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam is exclusive to our store.
Ned: Ah. That's too bad since I'm a sleep researcher and my wife is the person who shaves people before our experiments.
Salesperson: A nurse?
Ned: It's more specific than that.
Ken: I am incredibly sorry about my limp. I hurt my foot last night... (sighs) At my match. Darts playoff final. We won. I scored the winning double.
Oscar: Hmm.
Ken: This happened afterwards. I was mugged. Nearly mugged, for the winnings and trophy.
Marv: (enters the room) Ken, I heard you dropped a dart on your foot?
Ken: This is just our bi-weekly budget meeting with Marv in which we have absolutely nothing unusual planned. And if I am rubbing my hands together slightly, it's because it's chilly in here.
Esmeralda: "MOB-MI-AB", "Marv's Office Budget Meeting In A Bit." Yes, classic shorthand. Ned doesn't have time to read the whole sentence while he's flirting all day long with that U.S. troop.
Nicole: Okay, would you rather be able to speak to animals or speak any human language ever that you want?
Detrick: Speak to animals. No one talks to animals.
Marv: Where the heck is this guy? I'm starting to get worked up!
Ann: Don't get worked up, Marv.
Marv: Ann's right. I'm not gonna get worked up.
Ned: This one's actually pretty comfortable.
Mare: Oh, yeah, the Relaxer Cloud. That's the one I went with.
Ned: You spent $2200?
Mare: Jesus, no, that's for the queen. Mine was like $600 on sale.
Ned: Six hundred? What's that, like a twin?
Mare: Sorry, I served our country. I got used to a narrow bed in the Army.
Ned: If buying a twin bed is what feels right, then that's what's right. Doesn't make you any less of a reporter, of anything. It just means you've got more space in your bedroom to buy a desk to do more reporting.
Mare: I just like being held, okay? What's the point of sleeping with someone if you can't even feel them because the bed is so big? I mean, a king bed is like, "Okay, goodnight, see you tomorrow, hope nothing bad happens to you in your sleep because I'd never know about it."
Marv: No other cuts in the budget?
Ken: No, sir. It is air-tight. Like a puppy in a purse.
Marv: Good! Glad we figured that out.
Ken: I'm glad we figured it out.
Esmeralda: I'm glad we figured that out. Wow, ha, ha! (to Oscar) You're such a little whiz kid.
Oscar: Ha! Whiz kid. I'm 55, but thank you.
Esmeralda: So little whiz guy.
Oscar: (to the camera crew) Okay, fine. I'm 59. You got me.
(Text appears on screen: "Oscar Martinez is 61 years old")
Salesperson: Wow, okay, y'all are still here. Don't you people have jobs?
Mare: We should probably say that we are reporters from The Truth Teller doing a story on consumer protection.
Salesperson: I knew your mother wasn't sick.
Salesperson: I, um, actually hate this job. I hate this stupid polo that they make you pay for yourself. I was too scared to be a geologist, and now it's too late. So get your notepads out. Let's burn it all down.
Mare: Let's get some water. And then we can get into it.
Detrick: So it was hard to crack, but I think I figured it out. So, your two truths are, you do hate camping and you are allergic to pecans. And the lie was, um, you dated a married guy.
Nicole: Yep. You nailed it.
Mare: I'll see you tomorrow?
Ned: Yeah. Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
Mare: Cool.
Ned: All right, buddy.
Mare: Yeah, night, dude.
Marv: Ann!
Ann: Right here, Marv.
Marv: Don't fire Ned!
Ann: You nev-- You never told me to fire Ned. I would've written it in my book.
Marv: Then who'd--? Who did we fire?
Ann: Nobody?
Marv: Good.
Mare: Hey, where did you get that?
Ned: Oh! Good eye. This is a 1926 Underwood Standard Portable that once belonged...
Mare: I meant the coffee. Where is there a Birch Brothers?
Ned: Just by me.
Mare: Do they offer you a nerd discount if you mention your vintage typewriter?
Ned: We're about to have my first staff meeting, if you wanna...
Esmeralda: Oh, wow. I might skip it. Because they are like children and I think it would be a trauma for them to see two mommies at once, right?
Adelola: I'm an accountant. I don't know if my computer even has any word processing software.
Ned: I'll put them back once we're done.
Ken: Said the fox to the farmer. No, no, Ned. I'll put them back. Thank you. And I may electrify them. Or indeed electrify one, and you won't know which.
Mare: Screw you, that's not a valid password. I know my dog's birthday.
Ned: I'm a little distracted. Uh, the wire's not working.
Esmeralda: Yeah. That was supposed to be a surprise! But, uh, yes. I canceled it.
Ned: You cut the wi.. You cut the wire?
Esmeralda: Yes. From my little office.
Nicole: Uh, is everything okay? Because your face is sweating and your neck is turning red.
Ned: Yeah, thank you. That's... No, that's good observing.
Travis: Uh, we could do a countdown to the McRib coming back.
Adelola: (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Travis: What? It'll pressure them. It's a good idea.
Adelola: Yeah, it's an amazing idea, for the dumb ideas section.
Ned: Remember the five W's.
Adam: Is that a gang?
Ned: No. It's, uh, who, what, when, where, why. It's what they teach you in journalism school.
Adam: So not a gang.
Ned: Seven highly motivated, tenacious Buckeyes are out there right now, hunting for news. You'd be a fool to bet against that.
(a moment later...)
Ned: (On the phone) Hey, how much would it cost for one day of wire service? That's outrageous!
Mare: I just hope I have half of Barry's energy and brains when I'm 150.
Esmeralda: (Writing a Letter from the Editor in the voice of Ned) Esmeralda did the greatest job at the paper, while also being a single mother. Although you would never know, because her body is insane.
Esmeralda: I need you to defrost the freezer right now, immediately.
Nicole: Well, can-- Can someone else?
Esmeralda: I wish there was someone else I could trust with this. But no one defrosts like you, Nicole. You have these young, sturdy, strong wrists. I mean, Nicole, the ice melts at the sound of your footsteps.
Nicole: (to the camera crew) The freezer's probably fine, but I like to take the path of least resistance with Esmeralda. Sometimes I go limp from resisting so little. Just slide right off my chair.
Ken: Did you see the way he ate his cupcake?
Marv: Visionary.
Adam: And they call it Dogging.
Adelola: (typing) "Slipping into a more..."
Adam: "A more canine way of being."
Adelola: "And the itch they're getting isn't from fleas."
Oscar: Um, just out of curiosity, did you guys get any quotes?
Adelola: What would the quote be? Woof?
Oscar: (on his phone) Did you get my text? I made it! Heh! It's in today's paper. Well, is it too easy? Is it too hard? What do you think? Huh? (LAUGHS) Maybe too easy for you, Stanley!
Bob Vance: Dunder Mifflin? Yeah, they've been gone for a while. Phyll and Stanley keep in touch. We both have Schnoodles. Awesome dogs. Other than that... the "One and Done" guys are fine. Less drama, that's for sure.
Emma: There used to be a paper company here? I didn't know that. I just moved last month from Alaska, because my sister went missing. Don't worry, they found her. Living under her own damn house.
Bob Vance: If you go to the Chamber of Commerce, they keep a list of every business that's closed in the last 10 years. Ha! There it is. Dunder Mifflin. It says, purchased by Enervate in Toledo, Ohio, in 2019. That's right. I remember them asking if Phyllis wanted to move to Toledo. Ha! Leave Scranton for Toledo? Make me laugh.
Ken: Enervate sells products made out of paper. So that might be office supplies. That might be janitorial paper, which is toilet tissue, toilet seat protectors, and local newspapers. And that is in order of quality.
Ken: This is a treat, our commander in chief, Marv Putnam.
Marv: Not now, Ken.
John: The ninth floor is a hundred men covering Ohio politics. We have 300 more outside the building in Washington, New York, and we have foreign bureaus all over the world. Is it expensive? You can bet what you're sitting on it is. We only keep democracy alive, is all. Is it worth it? Well, ask the Cincinnati City Council. A third of them indicted on bribery charges today, thanks to our reporting!
Esmeralda: The print version really only exists for people to have something to frame when they are mentioned, which we try to do as much as possible.
Esmeralda: In America, there is a saying about accepting the things that you cannot change. In Italy ... we do not have that saying.
Mare: I actually wrote for Stars and Stripes, the military newspaper. I was an M1 Armored Vehicle Crew Member in the Army. Esmeralda has some media experience as a contestant on a dating reality show, called Married at First Sight.
Nicole: My name's Nicole Lee. I'm in "circulation." So I keep track of subscribers. I also have some additional duties for the online newspaper. Some companies today, I'm not saying us, they generate revenue by collecting information from people who visit their sites. And if any of the users accepts any cookies, their browsing history can be scraped up. You could say that we get more information from the readers than they get from us.
Nicole: Detrick thinks I'm sad all the time but actually, a lot of the times I'm just tired of pretending he cheered me up the last time.
Oscar: (to the film crew) God, not again. I'm not agreeing to any of this. Don't you guys have enough after nine years? Nobody wants this! You know what, you can't use my voice, my likeness, my face, nothing. [The following text is displayed: Yes we can. There's no end date on the release Oscar signed in 2005.]
Barry: The word jumble is kind of a head-scratcher today.
Nicole: We don't have a word jumble anymore, Barry.
(Barry has been circling random words on the front page of the paper.)
Ned: When I was a kid, I didn't wanna be Superman. I wanted to be Clark Kent. 'Cause to me, Clark is the real superhero. He's saving the world too by working at a newspaper. And that to me is much more noble, and much more achievable. And I love that. And so, that's why I'm so happy to be finally here at my very own Daily Bugle or no, Daily Planet! It's the Daily Planet. Daily Bugle is Spider-Man. They're both journalists. That's kinda cool.
Nicole: We had a security breach, month ago. Can't be too sure.
Adelola: A guy on acid wandered in from a jazz festival.
Ned: Okay. Well, that wasn't me.
Oscar: Another one of those acid guys? Damn, it must be the soft lighting.
Ned: I do get claustrophobic. I got stuck in my neighbor's chimney playing Christmas when I was a kid. I was imagining what it was like to be Santa Claus. Let me out.
Travis: Are you being serious? Because I'm actually claustrophobic. And if you're pretending, that would be very disrespectful to the claustrophobic community.
Ned: All right, I'm not claustrophobic. But I get a little nervous in airplane bathrooms, if that counts?
Travis: We were racing to make the game, and then all of a sudden, a freaking deer jumped out at us.
Oscar: Did you brake in time?
Travis: You don't brake for deer, man. You do not brake for deer.
Oscar: Don't brake for deer?
Travis: What does a car do when you brake?
Oscar: It attracts deer?
Travis: No. You brake, your car tilts down. And boom, the deer will go through the windshield. And if that's a buck, a male deer? That's an antler to the face, aka instant death, in my experience. No, thank you, man.
Ned: Luckily, my dad felt guilty, and he knew someone on the board of Enervate, so he kinda got the ball rolling on that. And I went out to Softees in Chicago, worked there for two years, broke every record selling toilet paper. And they said, what do you wanna do next? I picked here.
Mare: Geez. That's really inspiring for a story with that much nepotism in it.
Adelola: (aside, to the camera crew) Adam is 32. He has four kids. His wife makes them the same lunch every day. I mean, like, all of them, you know, and just sort of marches them off to work. And he just gets whatever leftovers the kids don't want. I think he was hired under some initiative that gives jobs to poor, religious people with no skills. Honestly, I can't imagine how he keeps going.
Adam: (to the camera crew) I think Adelola's a very emotional person. I catch her looking at me with tears in her eyes.
Ned: I know you've been supervising things for a while. So I hope it's not too disruptive to have me come in and sort of shake everything up.
Esmeralda: Oh, no, no. Don't be so self-defecating.
Ken: Enervate is in good health, largely because of Softees. Enervate is Tom Brady, very healthy, very rich. The Truth Teller is a sick mouse hiding behind Tom Brady's fridge. Now, Tom Brady, he likes mice. But this mouse is f**ked.
Ned: Did you send an email to everyone here saying that I was "not Me Too-ed?"
Esmeralda: Yes, because I didn't want you to start off on the wrong foot.
Ned: But I wasn't.
Esmeralda: Yes, in fact, that's why I said, he was not Me Too-ed, I don't think.
Ned: I was not-- I've never been Me Too-ed. I've also never embezzled or slapped a waitress.
Esmeralda: Oh, wow. Should I tell them?
Ned: No! That's what I'm saying. You-- You don't have to "not" a thing that isn't.
Esmeralda: You are preaching to the choir. These are simple people. To them, a man leaves his job, moves to a new town, they think, "I wonder what was his evil crime. Did he do it to a person? An animal? I hope he doesn't do it to me."
Oscar: Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm not playing. I will make this unusable. [BLEEP]. Use that.
