The Paper Quotes
All quotes from the hit show "The Paper". There are a lot of quotes here! Click each episode title bar for a synopsis and additional information about the epside.
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Esmeralda: (singing) Oh, sad dead journalist. You made your final deadline. You are gone. Sad dead journalist. You are gone. And no one will read you anymore. RIP
Oscar: A great man once said, 'You miss 100% of the shots you don't take'...and an idiot I once knew.
Esmeralda: A few weeks ago in the archive room, someone found a picture of Barry when he was 30 and he was very handsome. So that image stuck in my mind for several days, but then Barry did something very inappropriate ? because when you think about a man that way, he knows that he can come into your dreams and he can have his way with you. I am very sorry to say that Barry took that liberty. If it happened once, it would be OK, because I was willing. There was a mutual attraction, but then it happened every night. Barry has come every night, unbidden, into my dreams, and he has had me. I have my needs like everybody else, maybe more, but he is insatiable. And then the day after, I come into the office and he pretends like nothing happened. How dares he!"
Esmeralda: Where does it say the character took Xanax?
Esmeralda: (To another mom while waiting for her son's audition) I worry about him having a career, because you see what happens to these child actors? They start heroin really early. Sometimes they vomit on you, then they prostitute themselves. And then one day, they just stab you in the bed, and that's it. Lot of blood.
Esmeralda: (Acting out her self-rewritten script in the audition) Hey sweetheart! How was soccer today? Oh, there is a lightning storm! Oh my god, I just switched bodies with my mom. She has my body now, and I am the beautiful woman! Wow, oh, this is how it feels to have clean underwear? I'm going to spend her money to buy the wipes I need to clean myself!
Esmeralda: (Trying to explain her subterfuge) We are practicing a play...our first. In a certain scenario, these characters would take over, which is a very common plot in so many plays... We could do a movie, about a musical about a movie about a musical about a movie about a musical...
Esmeralda: Janitors, more than anyone, they have to be loyal. Because of the stuff they find in the trash, or in the toilets.
Ned: We're enjoying this meeting. Everyone sort of nodding, nodding a little bit. Yes. Yes! I am actively agreeing with you.
Esmeralda: Ned accuses me of sensationalizing stories. Since when sensation is a bad thing? Ask a box of condoms.
Esmeralda: (On her tactic of sneaking into City Hall) I don't really have a migraine. This is just me being great at journalism!
Esmeralda: (imitating an American accent) Merry Christmas, Frank. Nice cheeseburger, buddy.
Esmeralda: (Her advice to Mare ) If you think small, your life is small. Like an ant.
Esmeralda: When there is a group of single women and one woman finds happiness in love, the other single women try to take that happy woman down. Like in a boiling pot of lobsters, do you know that the male lobsters all lazily accept their fate, while the female lobsters try to get out by clawing down each other during the process. They will not claw down this lobster!
Esmeralda: I want to apologize for Ned. He resents children, because he can't have any of his own. He sat on a stove in high school, and it was on. So Ned's a premature grandpa with his print paper, but at TTT, we are completely different. Ice cream on Thursdays, very fun, very chill vibe, a lot of rizz. Nothing suss, nothing mid, and we are also very concerned about climate change. Come intern with me. Let's collab!
Esmeralda: (Esmeralda's ideas for getting back at the teen blogger who wronged her) We cut his brakes, and then what happens after is in the hands of God. We convince him his father is not his real father. Kids hate that. We smear a little dog s**t on his retainer. Just a little teaspoon. We give him Lyme disease. I think I have the right kind of ticks.
Ned: I started something called the "Also News." We print it right here, it's distributed only on this floor, and Adam is the star reporter for the "Also News."
Adelola: I wrote a sad story about a woman who owned a pet pig...
(She holds up a paper with the headline "Yvette Stevens, Pig, To be Evicted")
Adelola: The pig was also named Yvette, so that didn't help.
Ed: So I thought, as we're all still new to this, we could play a little game to train our instincts. The game is called "Two Truths And A Lie". It's fun.
Detrick: Uh, the drinking game, right?
Nicole: Oh, I would actually prefer not to drink at work if that's okay.
Ned: We're not gonna drink. No one's drinking.
Barry: Ahem. (Leaves the meeting room)
Ned: Remember, you're listening for the ring of truth and the clonk of lies.
Travis: Okay.
Ned: Go.
Adelola: Okay. I buy a new toothbrush every week, I can't feel pain on the bottoms of my feet, and I once misdialed a phone number and accidentally called Martin Lawrence.
Travis: Okay, well, you don't have that many good stories. So I don't think you would've held onto the Martin Lawrence thing for that long, right? Unless it's not the Martin Lawrence that we all know and love.
All: Ooh.
Travis: May I please see the bottoms of your feet?
Adelola: No.
Travis: Martin Lawrence is a lie.
Adam: Nice.
Ned: Very good. Very good.
Detrick: That was good.
Barry: I once knocked out Muhammad Ali.
Detrick: And?
Barry: And what?
Adelola: (Holds up phone) Okay, who doesn't have any good stories?
Martin Lawrence's voice on the phone: Oh, my goodness. You've reached Martin Lawrence. When you hear that beep, you know what to do.
All: What?
Adelola: Well, the first time I called him, he thought I was his niece, and we had this sweet heart-to-heart about my spending habits, but ever since then it just goes to voicemail, yeah.
Esmeralda: Ugh, Ned is still here. Perhaps he has cockroach DNA. Do you know cockroach? That you try to smash it but then it doesn't die? He turns on his back, you know? That's Ned. And you pretend that you're happy that he's alive.
Ken: What is our Wirecutter? What is our Wordle? We need things which keep people's minds off the bloody news. You have to remember our core audience is people on toilets.
Mare: In the 90s, the paper used to do this section called "Shame On You." We'd like, uncover a business scam and catch them in the act.
Ned: Oh. That's-- Okay, that's good. I like that.
Ken: I've got a list of businesses who wouldn't advertise with us, so you can select your targets from there.
Esmeralda: Ned. I'm so sorry about the disappointing news. You must be very sad.
Ned: What's--? Uh... Sorry, what?
Esmeralda: Oh, because you don't know? About Mare? Mare, the woman whose parents named her after a horse. She's leaving us for the hotel business.
Esmeralda: I will never get a fair hearing from Ned. I mean, I could be the most amazing reporter on this planet, some people say I am. But I could never beat the sex pheromones that Mare is putting out there.
Esmeralda: (referring to Mare) She's your favorite. I saw you looking at her like a dog on my auntie's leg. (She imitates the motion of a dog humping a leg)
Ned: Nno, no, no. Stop that. That is not-- Hey, stop that!
Mare: If you had to put odds on us succeeding, you know, near future, long-term. What are you feeling? A number.
Ned: Ninety-five percent. Ninety-five percent. I'm leaving 5 percent open in case of asteroid, which'd be a shame because that would be a great story.
Mare: You wanna come to some mattress stores with me?
Ned: Because you've got such a fun job, let's both enjoy it.
Mare: Sure. Woodward and Woodward's boss.
Nicole: Detrick. I don't really think of him that way. My type historically has been know-it-alls who don't really like me. So pretty much the complete opposite of Detrick.
Oscar: Saying that work is fun is a form of pressure. Quite frankly, it's giving me PTSD from an old boss.
Nicole: Where'd you get that sushi? There's no sushi around here.
Detrick: Oh, I hate to disagree with you right off the bat, but they have it at the gas station.
Nicole: Ew. When'd you get that sushi? You haven't left all day, and your car was here when I got in.
Detrick: Okay, "The Noticer."
Nicole: Yeah, that's what they call me.
Detrick: Cool. There's a new noticer in town.
Detrick: How about this. I ask you a question, you don't wanna answer it, you, uh, eat a piece of sushi. It's not that bad, for real.
Nicole: Well, there's your lie.
(Preparing for their sting at the mattress store)
Mare: So, what kind of couple should we be?
Ned: Just a regular couple... Not regular. Uh, hetero... Cis? I don't understand. What are you asking?
Mare: No, just I mean, are we bougie, you know? Or are we cheap? Are we too online? Are we not online, you know? Do we have kids? Do you want kids and I don't, and it's tearing us?
Ned: If this is making you at all uncomfortable, we don't have to be a couple at all, all right? We can just be brother and sister.
Mare: Who are buying a mattress together?
Ned: Our mom gets debilitating bladder infections. She's-- She's incontinent. We have to buy a mattress for her.
Mare: My God, we're just a couple, okay?
Mare: We actually just saw one over at Twice Upon A Mattress that looks identical to the StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam, but it was $1550. Would you honor that price?
Salesperson: I assure you, the StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam is exclusive to our store.
Ned: Ah. That's too bad since I'm a sleep researcher and my wife is the person who shaves people before our experiments.
Salesperson: A nurse?
Ned: It's more specific than that.
Ken: I am incredibly sorry about my limp. I hurt my foot last night... (sighs) At my match. Darts playoff final. We won. I scored the winning double.
Oscar: Hmm.
Ken: This happened afterwards. I was mugged. Nearly mugged, for the winnings and trophy.
Marv: (enters the room) Ken, I heard you dropped a dart on your foot?
Ken: This is just our bi-weekly budget meeting with Marv in which we have absolutely nothing unusual planned. And if I am rubbing my hands together slightly, it's because it's chilly in here.
Esmeralda: "MOB-MI-AB", "Marv's Office Budget Meeting In A Bit." Yes, classic shorthand. Ned doesn't have time to read the whole sentence while he's flirting all day long with that U.S. troop.
Nicole: Okay, would you rather be able to speak to animals or speak any human language ever that you want?
Detrick: Speak to animals. No one talks to animals.
Marv: Where the heck is this guy? I'm starting to get worked up!
Ann: Don't get worked up, Marv.
Marv: Ann's right. I'm not gonna get worked up.
Ned: This one's actually pretty comfortable.
Mare: Oh, yeah, the Relaxer Cloud. That's the one I went with.
Ned: You spent $2200?
Mare: Jesus, no, that's for the queen. Mine was like $600 on sale.
Ned: Six hundred? What's that, like a twin?
Mare: Sorry, I served our country. I got used to a narrow bed in the Army.
Ned: If buying a twin bed is what feels right, then that's what's right. Doesn't make you any less of a reporter, of anything. It just means you've got more space in your bedroom to buy a desk to do more reporting.
Mare: I just like being held, okay? What's the point of sleeping with someone if you can't even feel them because the bed is so big? I mean, a king bed is like, "Okay, goodnight, see you tomorrow, hope nothing bad happens to you in your sleep because I'd never know about it."
Marv: No other cuts in the budget?
Ken: No, sir. It is air-tight. Like a puppy in a purse.
Marv: Good! Glad we figured that out.
Ken: I'm glad we figured it out.
Esmeralda: I'm glad we figured that out. Wow, ha, ha! (to Oscar) You're such a little whiz kid.
Oscar: Ha! Whiz kid. I'm 55, but thank you.
Esmeralda: So little whiz guy.
Oscar: (to the camera crew) Okay, fine. I'm 59. You got me.
(Text appears on screen: "Oscar Martinez is 61 years old")
Salesperson: Wow, okay, y'all are still here. Don't you people have jobs?
Mare: We should probably say that we are reporters from The Truth Teller doing a story on consumer protection.
Salesperson: I knew your mother wasn't sick.
Salesperson: I, um, actually hate this job. I hate this stupid polo that they make you pay for yourself. I was too scared to be a geologist, and now it's too late. So get your notepads out. Let's burn it all down.
Mare: Let's get some water. And then we can get into it.
Detrick: So it was hard to crack, but I think I figured it out. So, your two truths are, you do hate camping and you are allergic to pecans. And the lie was, um, you dated a married guy.
Nicole: Yep. You nailed it.
Mare: I'll see you tomorrow?
Ned: Yeah. Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
Mare: Cool.
Ned: All right, buddy.
Mare: Yeah, night, dude.
Marv: Ann!
Ann: Right here, Marv.
Marv: Don't fire Ned!
Ann: You nev-- You never told me to fire Ned. I would've written it in my book.
Marv: Then who'd--? Who did we fire?
Ann: Nobody?
Marv: Good.
Mare: Hey, where did you get that?
Ned: Oh! Good eye. This is a 1926 Underwood Standard Portable that once belonged...
Mare: I meant the coffee. Where is there a Birch Brothers?
Ned: Just by me.
Mare: Do they offer you a nerd discount if you mention your vintage typewriter?
Ned: We're about to have my first staff meeting, if you wanna...
Esmeralda: Oh, wow. I might skip it. Because they are like children and I think it would be a trauma for them to see two mommies at once, right?
Adelola: I'm an accountant. I don't know if my computer even has any word processing software.
Ned: I'll put them back once we're done.
Ken: Said the fox to the farmer. No, no, Ned. I'll put them back. Thank you. And I may electrify them. Or indeed electrify one, and you won't know which.
Mare: Screw you, that's not a valid password. I know my dog's birthday.
Ned: I'm a little distracted. Uh, the wire's not working.
Esmeralda: Yeah. That was supposed to be a surprise! But, uh, yes. I canceled it.
Ned: You cut the wi.. You cut the wire?
Esmeralda: Yes. From my little office.
Nicole: Uh, is everything okay? Because your face is sweating and your neck is turning red.
Ned: Yeah, thank you. That's... No, that's good observing.
Travis: Uh, we could do a countdown to the McRib coming back.
Adelola: (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Travis: What? It'll pressure them. It's a good idea.
Adelola: Yeah, it's an amazing idea, for the dumb ideas section.
Ned: Remember the five W's.
Adam: Is that a gang?
Ned: No. It's, uh, who, what, when, where, why. It's what they teach you in journalism school.
Adam: So not a gang.
Ned: Seven highly motivated, tenacious Buckeyes are out there right now, hunting for news. You'd be a fool to bet against that.
(a moment later...)
Ned: (On the phone) Hey, how much would it cost for one day of wire service? That's outrageous!
Mare: I just hope I have half of Barry's energy and brains when I'm 150.
Esmeralda: (Writing a Letter from the Editor in the voice of Ned) Esmeralda did the greatest job at the paper, while also being a single mother. Although you would never know, because her body is insane.
Esmeralda: I need you to defrost the freezer right now, immediately.
Nicole: Well, can-- Can someone else?
Esmeralda: I wish there was someone else I could trust with this. But no one defrosts like you, Nicole. You have these young, sturdy, strong wrists. I mean, Nicole, the ice melts at the sound of your footsteps.
Nicole: (to the camera crew) The freezer's probably fine, but I like to take the path of least resistance with Esmeralda. Sometimes I go limp from resisting so little. Just slide right off my chair.
Ken: Did you see the way he ate his cupcake?
Marv: Visionary.
Adam: And they call it Dogging.
Adelola: (typing) "Slipping into a more..."
Adam: "A more canine way of being."
Adelola: "And the itch they're getting isn't from fleas."
Oscar: Um, just out of curiosity, did you guys get any quotes?
Adelola: What would the quote be? Woof?
Oscar: (on his phone) Did you get my text? I made it! Heh! It's in today's paper. Well, is it too easy? Is it too hard? What do you think? Huh? (LAUGHS) Maybe too easy for you, Stanley!
Bob Vance: Dunder Mifflin? Yeah, they've been gone for a while. Phyll and Stanley keep in touch. We both have Schnoodles. Awesome dogs. Other than that... the "One and Done" guys are fine. Less drama, that's for sure.
Emma: There used to be a paper company here? I didn't know that. I just moved last month from Alaska, because my sister went missing. Don't worry, they found her. Living under her own damn house.
Bob Vance: If you go to the Chamber of Commerce, they keep a list of every business that's closed in the last 10 years. Ha! There it is. Dunder Mifflin. It says, purchased by Enervate in Toledo, Ohio, in 2019. That's right. I remember them asking if Phyllis wanted to move to Toledo. Ha! Leave Scranton for Toledo? Make me laugh.
Ken: Enervate sells products made out of paper. So that might be office supplies. That might be janitorial paper, which is toilet tissue, toilet seat protectors, and local newspapers. And that is in order of quality.
Ken: This is a treat, our commander in chief, Marv Putnam.
Marv: Not now, Ken.
John: The ninth floor is a hundred men covering Ohio politics. We have 300 more outside the building in Washington, New York, and we have foreign bureaus all over the world. Is it expensive? You can bet what you're sitting on it is. We only keep democracy alive, is all. Is it worth it? Well, ask the Cincinnati City Council. A third of them indicted on bribery charges today, thanks to our reporting!
Esmeralda: The print version really only exists for people to have something to frame when they are mentioned, which we try to do as much as possible.
Esmeralda: In America, there is a saying about accepting the things that you cannot change. In Italy ... we do not have that saying.
Mare: I actually wrote for Stars and Stripes, the military newspaper. I was an M1 Armored Vehicle Crew Member in the Army. Esmeralda has some media experience as a contestant on a dating reality show, called Married at First Sight.
Nicole: My name's Nicole Lee. I'm in "circulation." So I keep track of subscribers. I also have some additional duties for the online newspaper. Some companies today, I'm not saying us, they generate revenue by collecting information from people who visit their sites. And if any of the users accepts any cookies, their browsing history can be scraped up. You could say that we get more information from the readers than they get from us.
Nicole: Detrick thinks I'm sad all the time but actually, a lot of the times I'm just tired of pretending he cheered me up the last time.
Oscar: (to the film crew) God, not again. I'm not agreeing to any of this. Don't you guys have enough after nine years? Nobody wants this! You know what, you can't use my voice, my likeness, my face, nothing. [The following text is displayed: Yes we can. There's no end date on the release Oscar signed in 2005.]
Barry: The word jumble is kind of a head-scratcher today.
Nicole: We don't have a word jumble anymore, Barry.
(Barry has been circling random words on the front page of the paper.)
Ned: When I was a kid, I didn't wanna be Superman. I wanted to be Clark Kent. 'Cause to me, Clark is the real superhero. He's saving the world too by working at a newspaper. And that to me is much more noble, and much more achievable. And I love that. And so, that's why I'm so happy to be finally here at my very own Daily Bugle or no, Daily Planet! It's the Daily Planet. Daily Bugle is Spider-Man. They're both journalists. That's kinda cool.
Nicole: We had a security breach, month ago. Can't be too sure.
Adelola: A guy on acid wandered in from a jazz festival.
Ned: Okay. Well, that wasn't me.
Oscar: Another one of those acid guys? Damn, it must be the soft lighting.
Ned: I do get claustrophobic. I got stuck in my neighbor's chimney playing Christmas when I was a kid. I was imagining what it was like to be Santa Claus. Let me out.
Travis: Are you being serious? Because I'm actually claustrophobic. And if you're pretending, that would be very disrespectful to the claustrophobic community.
Ned: All right, I'm not claustrophobic. But I get a little nervous in airplane bathrooms, if that counts?
Travis: We were racing to make the game, and then all of a sudden, a freaking deer jumped out at us.
Oscar: Did you brake in time?
Travis: You don't brake for deer, man. You do not brake for deer.
Oscar: Don't brake for deer?
Travis: What does a car do when you brake?
Oscar: It attracts deer?
Travis: No. You brake, your car tilts down. And boom, the deer will go through the windshield. And if that's a buck, a male deer? That's an antler to the face, aka instant death, in my experience. No, thank you, man.
Ned: Luckily, my dad felt guilty, and he knew someone on the board of Enervate, so he kinda got the ball rolling on that. And I went out to Softees in Chicago, worked there for two years, broke every record selling toilet paper. And they said, what do you wanna do next? I picked here.
Mare: Geez. That's really inspiring for a story with that much nepotism in it.
Adelola: (aside, to the camera crew) Adam is 32. He has four kids. His wife makes them the same lunch every day. I mean, like, all of them, you know, and just sort of marches them off to work. And he just gets whatever leftovers the kids don't want. I think he was hired under some initiative that gives jobs to poor, religious people with no skills. Honestly, I can't imagine how he keeps going.
Adam: (to the camera crew) I think Adelola's a very emotional person. I catch her looking at me with tears in her eyes.
Ned: I know you've been supervising things for a while. So I hope it's not too disruptive to have me come in and sort of shake everything up.
Esmeralda: Oh, no, no. Don't be so self-defecating.
Ken: Enervate is in good health, largely because of Softees. Enervate is Tom Brady, very healthy, very rich. The Truth Teller is a sick mouse hiding behind Tom Brady's fridge. Now, Tom Brady, he likes mice. But this mouse is f**ked.
Ned: Did you send an email to everyone here saying that I was "not Me Too-ed?"
Esmeralda: Yes, because I didn't want you to start off on the wrong foot.
Ned: But I wasn't.
Esmeralda: Yes, in fact, that's why I said, he was not Me Too-ed, I don't think.
Ned: I was not-- I've never been Me Too-ed. I've also never embezzled or slapped a waitress.
Esmeralda: Oh, wow. Should I tell them?
Ned: No! That's what I'm saying. You-- You don't have to "not" a thing that isn't.
Esmeralda: You are preaching to the choir. These are simple people. To them, a man leaves his job, moves to a new town, they think, "I wonder what was his evil crime. Did he do it to a person? An animal? I hope he doesn't do it to me."
Oscar: Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm not playing. I will make this unusable. [BLEEP]. Use that.
