Travis Quotes - The Paper
Travis quotes from the hit show "The Paper"
Travis: It was my grandmother's. She passed away. And then I hollowed it out with a skew chisel that was my grandfather's.
Travis: I tried some of my birth dad's ashes. I put them in a juice, and I tried to absorb some of his power. And it didn't work.
Travis: I recently accepted that my belief in an afterlife is performative. And that my only real shot at immortality would be a truly legendary, viral YouTube video.
Travis: Is my Ford Fiesta capable of storm chasing? I have evenly distributed four 70-pound kettlebells in the trunk, so we might as well be anchored to the ground.
Adelola: What would your death row meal be?
Travis: Well, was I rightfully accused?
Adelola: Yes.
Travis: Okay, then, probably a cold cup of broth. Or gruel is fine, because I wouldn't deserve better.
Travis: I did a solo cocktail cruise last week and came across this while magnet-fishing. Now, I was raised in a household where we learned not to open unmarked oil drums, but I don't know, I guess Esmeralda didn't grow up that way.
Travis: There's way worse diseases than rabies out there. You ever heard of the Black Death? It would make you wish for rabies.
Detrick: So, like, what's your technique to get people to talk?
Travis: So basically it starts with a look, right? Eye contact. And then we enter a flow state of conversation. Hm... Just talking. And then, uh... Nah, nah. I-I'm making up quotes, man.
Travis: I thought we were gonna be a team. You would lie and deceive, and I would watch, and just try to be okay...
Travis: I will now be resigning as a reportorial-style journalist, effective immediately for moral reasons. Here's my press pass, homemade.
Ned: Thought I took that already.
Travis: Yeah, well they're pretty easy to make.
Adelola: Travis, hurry up. What does your tutorial say?
Travis: I am watching an ad for some pretty powerful deck stain. What'd you want me to look up again?
Travis: It's Margarita Mondays at O'Shays. Which means affordable liquor and at least five fine-as-hell urgent care nurses who just got off shift next door.
Ken: I was wondering if I could enlist your unsavory services to get rid of some documents.
Travis: Well, that depends. Are you willing to follow me to a second location without question?
Ken: Yes, sir.
Travis: And a third, if need be?
Ken: I'd rather just start in a third, then maybe move on to a fourth.
Travis: So the Brit means business.
Travis: Yeah, people tend to just trust me. It's something about the beard and soft eyes combination. People say I look like a young Kris Kringle.
Travis: It's something I designed to stuff down the throat of a dead frog to make it wiggle, so a trout would wanna eat it. And I was confident enough to make about 144 of them. But the suits at Bass Pro Shops didn't get it.
Travis: (To the visiting students) Is there like a way we could come to your school and shadow you for a bit?
Detrick: I think I should've used a better wood. I used pine like a simp. I don't think she likes pine.
Travis: Nah, no, no. It's not the wood. It's the woodsman. A hand-carved bird? You might as well have carved her an engagement ring. You're freaking her out. And you're freaking me out. You're freaking Adelola out. And frankly, you're freaking out all the Softees guys back there.
Detrick: How many people know about this?
Travis: Everyone who's facing this way.
Detrick: So, what-- What should I do? Act like I don't like her?
Travis: Exactly. Dude, I'm icing out my stepdad right now, and he's begging for it.
Travis: Uh, we could do a countdown to the McRib coming back.
Adelola: (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Travis: What? It'll pressure them. It's a good idea.
Adelola: Yeah, it's an amazing idea, for the dumb ideas section.
Travis: We were racing to make the game, and then all of a sudden, a freaking deer jumped out at us.
Oscar: Did you brake in time?
Travis: You don't brake for deer, man. You do not brake for deer.
Oscar: Don't brake for deer?
Travis: What does a car do when you brake?
Oscar: It attracts deer?
Travis: No. You brake, your car tilts down. And boom, the deer will go through the windshield. And if that's a buck, a male deer? That's an antler to the face, aka instant death, in my experience. No, thank you, man.
