The Paper (NBC) Transcript

TRAVIS:
So yeah, me and Glen do this

just about every morning.

Usually, I'm loading boxes
faster than you can imagine.

But I'm feeling
something troublesome

in my L4, L5 vertebrae,

so Glen's handling it
for me today.

I appreciate you, brother.

-[GLEN GROANS]
-Silent generation.

They do not make them
like that anymore.

Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me.

Bathroom. Bathroom.

TRAVIS:
Right there.

[PANTING]

Jesus. Oh, no. Oh, God.

-Excuse me?
-It's a pull, dude.

-It's what?
-It's a pull.

[NED GRUNTS]

Every morning,
I have a very strong coffee,

and then I cycle to work.

And on my way,

I have to stop
at the McGundry Park bathrooms.

I'm a creature of habit.

This morning, those bathrooms
were mysteriously padlocked,

so I became a creature of panic.

Sorry, guys. [SIGHS]
Small bladder.

-Didn't sound like urine.
-Take it easy, Glen.

-What did he say?
-It didn't sound like urine.

TRAVIS: He says
it doesn't sound like urine.

[NED SIGHS]

Hey, Glen,
back to work, bud.

We gotta get these out by 10.

All right, that's pretty good.
Anyone else?

Esmeralda,
would you like to go next?

Oh, my God. Thank you.

-[CHUCKLES]
-Oh.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I feel a bit nervous.

A room full
with real journalists.

ESMERALDA:
Oh, no.

I'm not nervous
in front of nerds.

This is an urgent,
necessary story

for anyone
who likes being hot.

-That's me.
-Bravo, Barry. Exactly.

The Korean beauty company,
Ulzzang,

has found that
their Phenol Revitalizing Mask

is the most effective
face product

in face history. Wow.

-Wow. Um... Yeah.
ESMERALDA: Yeah.

Yeah.
So I love the story.

ESMERALDA: Thank you.
-I love this story.

If there was just some way
to broaden the scope

beyond the existence
of a product

and where to buy it.

Oh, yes, of course.
I can cover the price as well.

Uh-- Ah...

-Okay. I'll pitch my story.
-Yes.

And maybe
there'll be something in that

that informs what you want to do
with your story.

Anything could happen.

Okay.

So, I noticed this morning
that the public restrooms

in McGundry Park
were suddenly closed.

And I later found out

that they
are replacing them with...

an e-bike kiosk?

I mean, really?

Yes.

No, that's it.
I don't know where it leads.

-But Nicole...
-Yeah?

...do you see the difference?

Um... Esmeralda's article
seems like clickbait.

-Yes.
-And yours seems like

something my mom would text

and it wouldn't be clear why.

Yeah. So Esmeralda's article
was clickbait.

Guys, churnalism, right?

Raise your hand if you've ever
actually learned anything

-from an article like this.
-[CELL PHONE BLIPS]

Not one of-- Oh, all of you.

Okay. I just--
I'm gonna be honest.

I don't know that there
is a place for this...

KEN:
I wouldn't be so sure.

...Truth Teller
moving forward.

How long have
you been standing there?

Long enough.

Now, I don't know
if I've ever told you guys

about my old childhood friend,

-Douglas Keane.
-NED: No.

So, Douglas grew up in
a 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff.

-Sounds sick as hell.
-It does. Thank you, Travis.

But do you know
how Douglas' parents

paid for this 10-bedroom estate
in Cardiff?

-No.
-Anyone?

-No.
-Oscar?

-Textiles?
-Pardon me?

-Textiles?
-Prostitution.

-Goddamn it.
-I'll give you it.

Prostitution.

Well, we are Douglas Keane.

This beautiful office
is the 10-bedroom estate,

and these, yes, slightly dodgy
clickbait articles

are prostituting themselves
for us.

Without them,
the TTTwill die in darkness.

-Fine.
-Fine.

ESMERALDA: Fine.
-Fine.

ESMERALDA: Thank you.
KEN: Thank you.

-Stay. Go?
-Go.

Off I pop.

NED:
All right. We'll do it,

but we're not doing
advertorials.

We will review these products
with rigor and integrity.

-Like Wirecutter.
-Yes, like Wirecutter.

Wirecutteris amazing.

We'll test the products
ourselves,

and we'll tell the truth
about them, good or bad.

Okay, you want to take my work
from me?

I'll take your work from you.

And I'm going to write about
that boring bathroom.

-Would you like that?
-I'd love that.

Ned accuses me
of sensationalizing stories.

Now, since when sensation
is a bad thing?

Ask a box of condoms.

Maybe you'll see what it takes
to be a real journalist.

Maybe you will see what it takes
to write something

that people in this town
actually care about.

[LAUGHS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, so apparently
some generous corporation

sent these to Esmeralda

out of the goodness
of their heart.

For free? Hell yeah.

NED: No, not "hell yeah".
Hell maybe.

We're supposed to be neutral.

Do not be afraid
to ruffle some feathers

over at Flat Belly Enterprises.

Okay, who wants what?

I'll do this Ulzzang thing
for my sensitive skin.

Who wants
"kombucha for gut health"?

Hm... Is this
supposed to be refrigerated?

Juice is better at room temp.
Brings the flavors out.

-Can I do this jawline enhancer?
-How does it work?

I don't know,
but me and my swole jawline

-will report back to you.
-Dude, what are those?

Oh, it's melatonin.
It helps you sleep.

Can I please have it?

I'll pay you anything you want.
I'm getting no sleep.

It's killing me.
The doctors can't explain it.

-Sure.
-Thanks, man. I appreciate that.

Okay, so does everyone
have something?

DETRICK: Yep.
-Awesome.

I think we're gonna have
a great time doing this, guys.

Guaranteed six-pack abs.
No crunches required, heh.

Obviously,
I know these things don't work.

Um...

But they may work for me.

-[MURMURING TO SELF]
-[KNOCKING]

MARE: Hey.
-Hey.

Ned just asked me to ask you
if you needed an assistant

for the restroom article.

Did he send you to babysit me?

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Um...

Mm-mm.

Nope. Just plain assistance.

Oh, you mean like a servant?

Mm-hmm. Yeah,
just like a servant.

I think I could accept that.

Good. I mean, the story's
gonna be simple.

-It's gonna be like this big.
-No, that's your problem.

If you think small,
your life is small.

Like an ant.

What you got there, sir?

Oh, they're, uh, mushrooms
that make your brain go fast.

Um, yuck.
You know mushroom's a fungus?

Like mold or athlete's foot.

Ooh, excuse me, sir.

[BOTTLE CLATTERS IN TRASH]

Why don't you try these?

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Wh-- What are they?

Pills for men.
Soldiers take them.

Oh, there we go. Love that.

What the hell
did you just give him?

These are from
a family-run business

called Rudy's.

They are what you might
call, um, m-male boosters.

Perfectly safe male boosters.

OSCAR:
Rudy's as in the gas station?

I think
they do sell gas. Yes, Oscar.

Extra potency. Oh, God.

I'm gonna
get her pregnant again.

ADAM: I just can't have
any more kids.

Four is just about manageable,

'cause you get
one per hand per adult.

But five, I don't even--
I've been thinking,

like, how do you even--?
How do you even do that?

Do you use a foot? Then people
think you're kicking them?

The packaging makes
some quite serious claims

about what these pills
are capable of,

and if they're true, then...

That could be rather good
for me, moving forward.

You would be mad
to just rip open a packet

and, um, take them yourself,
clearly.

But the King's Taster
is there for a reason.

And, um, we shall see
what is happening

inside that man as,
as time goes on.

He'll be fine. You would hope.

[PANTING]

-It hurts a little bit.
-Yeah?

-Is it on too high, you think?
-Maybe. I can take it. [GRUNTS]

Oh, my God.

-Dude, this is Level 3.
-I know.

Out of ten, that is pathetic,
Oscar. Give me, let me try.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

Level 3. Okay.

Yeah. See, this is nothing.

This is like
half a period cramp.

-You're being dramatic.
-What?

I'm sorry. I heard what I said.
You're being hyperbolic.

-Oh.
-There's no way

a period cramp can hurt
more than that.

Turn it up. I'll tell you
when it feels like a cramp.

-It's on three.
-Yeah. Turn it up.

No.

-[REMOTE BEEPS]
-No.

-[REMOTE BEEPS AGAIN]
-No.

[REMOTE BEEPING,
DEVICE BUZZING]

-Yeah, that's about right.
-You're at a 9 out of 10.

Yeah, now add on devastating
mood swings, bloating,

and an inner voice
that tells you

you'll never amount
to anything.

[QUIETLY]
Okay.

-It's tingling, heh.
-Mm-hmm-hmm.

[DEVICE BEEPS]

[GASPING]

-It's a little stronger.
-Mm.

-Is it too much for you?
-No.

-No?
-[GRUNTING] I feel a difference.

Yeah,
you keep feeling that.

It's a little more powerful
than before.

Yeah,
just a little bit, right?

[CONTINUES GRUNTING]

DETRICK:
Nicole's not doing great.

It was the kombucha
that got her.

I feel like that stuff,

it does need
to be refrigerated.

That's why when you buy it
from the store,

it's always
in the refrigerator.

[PHONE RINGS]

This is Frank Durham.

Umm... Mr. Durham, hello.

This is Esmeralda Grand

- from the Toledo Truth Teller.
-Okay.

We are writing, um,
a nothing story

about a bathroom that was closed
in Mac-Uh... Um...

-McGundry.
-Mac... Mac...

-Gundry.
-Mac-something Park.

You were listed as

the administrative
project manager, right?

Can you make this quick?

-Excuse me?
-Yeah, I got a lot to do today.

Well, me too, Frank.
We all do things on this planet.

Listen, it was just a routine
reallocation of space.

We had a public meeting.

There was no dissent,
so we did it.

That's great.
Thank you so much.

-Thank you so much.
-Okay, bye.

Okay.

All right, now we just need

to get a quote
from a park user, not Ned,

and we have our piece.
Bada-bing, bada boom.

No, bada-beam.
Frank Durham isthe story.

-What?
-Make it quick.

-Such a piece of a big shit.
-That's--

You know,
he's hiding something.

No, that's just how people
talk to journalists.

Well, this is not how
people talk to me, okay?

Come on.

-Well, get your stuff.
-Okay.

I live to serve.

Hey, we're gonna take off and...
Oh, my gosh.

-You look like an avatar.
-They're called Na'vi, actually.

Mare, I think we should--
Oh, my God!

-Oh, don't kill me! Blue beast!
-[CHUCKLES]

I was just joking.
That was just a joke.

No, no, you look handsome
as usual, as every day.

-Should we go or not?
-Yeah. See you.

Bye.

Oh, no. Uh...

Shoot.

-Hey.
-I, uh, I think we're all here.

Ned, Dan is running
our Cincinnati papers,

doing an amazing job,

and I asked his boss
if you could pick his brain.

Hi, Ned.
-Hey, Dan,

thank you for doing this.
Big fan of your work.

I loved your piece on
the Maumee River algae blooms.

Oh, thank you, buddy.

And Marv told me you sold a ton
of toilet paper at Softees.

-Real Renaissance man.
-[CHUCKLES] Yeah,

it's a pretty wide skill set,
that's for sure.

Turn on your camera, Ned.
We can't see you.

Sure.

Hey!

What the hell happened
to your face?

Oh, this.

No, it's just for a story

that we're, uh,
we're working on.

Oh, good. No offense.

For a moment, I thought
you were taking affiliated

marketing kickback from Amazon.

-LikeWirecutter.
-Oh.

Not that you would ever
do anything that lame.

No, God, no.
No, Wirecuttersucks.

Wirecuttersucks.

Yeah, we're working on a story
right now about colorism

in the Korean beauty market

and ethical concerns
over skin bleaching.

-Am I being scooped right now?
-No.

That sounds like
a great angle.

We're focusing less
on the ethical

and more on the exfoliating
properties of the product,

and how that impacts the--

You know, speaking of,
it's starting to burn a little.

Ann! RememberSmurfs?

[GROANING]

[NICOLE VOMITING]

-Hey, can I get in there?
NICOLE: Oh, what do you want?

-I need a sink.
-Is she vomiting?

I don't care.

Nicole, I need to get in.
My face is very hot.

NICOLE: I can't, I'm sorry.
-No. Come on.

NICOLE: Go away!
-Nicole!

NICOLE: I'm sorry! Go away!
-Please! Please!

MARE:
Hey. We have some questions

about the recent
bathroom closure at McGundry.

Was there a hearing about that?

Looks like there was
on the 13th.

-Who are you?
-We're reporters.

-Is Frank Durham here?
-No.

And I don't see
any appointments.

What can you tell us
about Frank?

Like, does he drive a car

that is strangely expensive
for his salary?

-Durham?
ESMERALDA: Yes.

A 20-year-old Kia.

-Which kind of Kia?
-A black one.

Who are you exactly?

Would you excuse us
for a second?

She's onto us.

MARE: She's onto what?
ESMERALDA: She's onto us.

You distract her.
[CHUCKLES]

-You distract her.
-From what?

Distract.
Ha!

Oh, my God!
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! [SIGHS]

-What are you doing?
-My migraine.

The migraine, you know?
Oh, it's so bad. I'm so sorry.

I lay down for a second,
and it goes away, I swear.

-Like, so sorry about that.
-Where are you going?

-Where are you going?
-Bye [MOANS]

Oh, mamma mia.[SIGHS]

So, um...

Oh, my God.

Um...

I'm so sorry. Could I--
Could you just come over here?

SECRETARY: What?
-For a second? I'm sorry.

I just have a quick question.

What kind of electrical socket
is that?

Yeah. I feel like I haven't seen
one of those since I was a kid.

Does it use a ground pin?

-I wouldn't know.
-I know. I--

It's just such a great space.

I don't know
if you've thought about

like putting an appliance
there or something.

Oh, my gosh, who is that?

Hunka eye candy.

Is he single?

-He passed away.
-Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, I just, it's hard
to meet people in this--

[CLICKS TONGUE]

What did he die of? I'm sorry.

-Let's see.
ESMERALDA: Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Oh, my God. It's a big one.

-Yeah. Let's go.
-I'm so sorry about that.

You know it happens sometimes.
A bullet here.

MARE: Thank you so much.
ESMERALDA: Ay-yi-yi!

Oh, my God. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

I don't really have a migraine.

This is just me
being great at journalism.

MARE:
Come on.

Take off your mic.

-What?
-I'm sorry.

Can you just give us
a second, please?

-What are you doing?
-Just take it off.

Why?

I'm sorry.

MAN 1: What?
MAN 2: It just feels hopeless.

MAN 1: I know, but you just
got to go for it.

MAN 2: Amy messed me up, man.
MAN 1: That was a year ago now.

MAN 2: Was it?
MAN 1: You're a great guy.

-You've got a lot to offer.
MAN 2: You too.

[MARE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

You guys making a movie?

Are you a student film?

[CHUCKLES]

-Drama. [LAUGHS]
-Yeah.

[SIGHS]

-Hello, matey.
-Hi.

Just wanted to check in on you
as a courtesy.

-How do you feel?
-Okay.

Except for like an hour,
I was freezing cold.

That would be the taurine.
Perfectly normal.

And for a while,
I was boiling hot.

Right, well, that's the extract
of ghost pepper, I believe.

-Mm.
-It's all clearly labeled.

Ken, what if it,
like, supercharges my semen?

-Pardon me?
-Supercharges my semen.

I can't afford another kid.

Have you never heard
of contraception?

Get some sheep intestines,

tie a knot in it,
you're good to go.

Her father doesn't believe
in birth control.

He'd kill me.

You are in quite a pickle,
my son.

-You want my advice?
-Yeah.

Listen to your heart.

-Thanks, pal.
-For arrhythmia.

Brought on by the taurine.

I took some pictures
of his office.

There is this calendar
that he has

with a, a sickly little dog
on it. Look.

-Okay, so that's Snoopy.
-Yeah, I know.

I just don't like him.

Wait, but look.

On the 13th, it doesn't say
anything about a public hearing.

It just says trivia night.

Yeah, those kind of men,
they love to yell out facts.

Oh, my God.
That means he was lying.

-Yes.
-He was lying.

-He was lying!
-[LAUGHS] Wow.

-[CELL PHONE RINGING]
-Holy shit! Oh, hang on.

-Oh, hello.
NED: Hey, how's it going?

[LAUGHING]
Why are you using that filter?

No reason. Just give me
the bathroom update.

-Okay, so he was lying...
-He was lying!

...about holding a hearing
on the 13th,

but the only proof we have
is a picture of a calendar

that Esmeralda took
without permission.

-No, but we can't use that.
-Oh, my God.

What happened to your face?

It's... It's not so bad.

I mean, the pain I am in
is extreme,

but it's gonna be
a great piece, so...

That's a black Kia.
That's him. That's Frank.

-Oh, my God.
ESMERALDA: Let's follow him.

-Hey, I told you.
-I have to go.

-Okay, bye--
-[PHONE DISCONNECTS]

NED: All right, it's 5:00,
let's see where we are.

How we doing?

DETRICK: Jesus!
What's going on with your face?

I-- I had a bit of a reaction
to the chemical peel.

ALL: Oh!
ADELOLA: Oh, my God.

NED: Okay, focus on
your stories, not my face.

Go home, finish your trials,

and come up with
some detailed reports.

-Come on.
OSCAR: I can't do that.

No, come on.

-It hurts too much.
-A half-day period?

-Aw, must be tough.
-Okay, you win. Women suffer.

I'm sorry
I said you were dramatic.

[MUFFLED] I don't want this shit
in my mouth anymore.

-Don't say that.
-My jaw is the same size,

and I can smell
my goatee burning.

-C-Can we just stop?
-No, no. Guys,

Esmeralda's story
is really taking off.

We don't want to fall behind,
okay?

-Ned, none of this is safe.
NED: This is perfectly safe.

It's journalism.

All right, you know what?
Watch this.

-Perfectly safe.
ADAM: No.

-Why are you, Ned?
-No problem.

-No, it's not bedtime, dude.
-It's fine.

-No.
DETRICK: While you're at it,

take this one too.

ADELOLA: Ooh!
NICOLE: Oh, God.

No one is asking you to do this.
This shit's gonna kill you.

-There's one more in here.
-Mm-hmm.

TRAVIS:
There's too many.

ADELOLA:
Should you be combining?

NICOLE:
You forgot the TENS machine.

NED: The what?
TRAVIS: The TENS machine.

NICOLE: Put it on.
-Not a problem.

-You're gonna fuck yourself up.
-Let me tell you something.

Sometimes you need to go
to extremes for a story.

-[DEVICE BEEPS]
-[GASPS]

ADELOLA: Oh.
-[GROANS]

[GRUNTING] Make me proud.
I look forward to your reports.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

DETRICK:
All right.

[GASPS]

[NED COUGHS]

[NED GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

ESMERALDA: Look!
That's him. That's Frank.

MARE:
What the hell are we doing here?

Well, you are going to go
undercover and...

-No.
-Yes.

And you are going to squeeze him
for information.

-You'll milk him.
-Why can't you go?

Because I spoke to him
at the phone

and he recognizes my voice,
you know.

I could actually try
an American accent.

"Merry Christmas, Frank."

-"Nice cheeseburger, buddy."
-I'll do it.

-But we have some work to do.
-What do you mean?

-I mean that--
-I'm not wearing your clothes.

-I look fine.
-You don't look fine.

Do you think
you look female like that?

-That's...
-Come on.

-Where's my bag?
-I just-- I hate this.

Shut up. Why this car
just keeps talking?

-Turn the wipers--
-I don't know how this--

MARE:
This is too much.

ESMERALDA: This is the best
you have ever looked.

And you're doing this
for journalism, right?

Your favorite.

Hey, your frown
is creasing the foundation.

Okay, thank you.

I just go up to the bar
and, like, talk to him?

Yeah, you go
and say, hello.

In this fantasy,
you are a normal girl.

-Okay, go.
-That's so rude.

Howdy, partner.
[CHUCKLES]

Oh, hi.

-Is this seat taken?
-Hello.

Hi, table for one
tonight, ma'am?

Excuse me?

Table for one?

No. No. Never.

What you have here
is not food.

It's bullshit.
It's not even Italian, you know?

It's a lie. This shouldn't
be here, you know? [CHUCKLES]

-Okay.
-Bye.

NED: Hey.
-Oh, my God!

What's going on?

Why did you text me
"Macaroni Barn, 911"?

Oh, well, because I wanted you
to witness in person my triumph.

We are about
to take down Frank Durham,

the man responsible
for the bathroom closing.

Why does she look like that?

She's undercover
as a beautiful woman.

Hi. What are you doing here?

You look...
You look so nice.

I think part of your face
just fell off.

Oh, thanks.

8:42. Large chunk of left cheek
just dislodged.

Pain is down
to an 8 and a half.

Are you getting anywhere?

He told me he does do trivia
every Tuesday night,

including the 13th.

That's right.

I'm trying to slow play it.
I got him to buy me a daiquiri.

-You little slut. I love it.
-I know.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So now we have to finish him.

-Okay.
-Go back.

Obviously, Mare,
you don't have to.

If you're uncomfortable,
there are other ways

-we can do this.
-I know. I'm good.

You know,
it's kind of a...thrill.

HOSTESS: Will you be joining us
for dinner tonight?

I'm good.

[SIGHS]

I hate kombucha.

I hate what it's done to me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

How many loaves of bread
is that?

I think seven.

I have sourdough, I have white,

pretty much
every kind of bread.

-You wanna come in?
-Yeah.

I know that intimacy is
at the core of our relationship,

-but I think--
CHILD: Can I watch something?

You cannot watch something!

-It's a school night!
-[CHILDREN SCREAM]

I'll have a heart attack
if you don't give me an orgasm

-in the next 10 minutes.
-Right.

* Yeah!
It ain't nothin' but a... *

Let's see what these gummies
can do for my ass.

Mm. Mm!

* ...and let the rims spin... *

They tastes sweet.

[SNORING]

[SCREAMS]

[YELPS]

[SNORING]

[WATCH BEEPING]

Oh...

You guys, I got his ass.

-You got his ass?
-Yeah.

He was bragging about
winning trivia night,

and I said,
prove it, big boy.

-Oh, no.
-[LAUGHS] And he did.

He showed me a picture
with the date on it.

-Oh. Oh, wow.
-I took a pic of a pic.

NED: All right.
-Yes, yes.

[GRUNTS]
I think I'm gonna go.

-Okay.
-Oh, my gosh.

And all of this,
we found out because of me.

Okay, we have to go.
He's freaking me out.

All of this,
we found out because of me.

Oh, shit!

Hey.

Hey, you dead?

[GROANS]

I thought that guy was dead.
But he's alive.

You-- You've seen that, right?

He looked like
he might die tonight still.

So I'm gonna leave.

That way, if he dies later,
that's all y'all asses.

Oh, here he is. Hello, mate.
How are you feeling?

-Um...
-And more importantly,

did you make mad,
ravenous, scorpion love

to your wife?

We did it, like, three times.

Wowie. Three times.
Big man. Love that.

And yet you're still standing.

ADAM: Maybe those
were just sugar pills.

I mean, three times
is pretty standard for us.

Did you guys
finish your articles?

No, and I never will.

I'm gonna.
That jaw thing was a scam.

First sleepover in the books,
not that I slept at all.

No, I was quite busy.

Nicole was puking
pretty much the whole night.

I learned that
I like being around Nicole

more than I hate
being around puke.

[VOMITING LOUDLY]

It's okay. It didn't get you.
It just fell off the side.

It was a great night.

Guys.

I think he stayed up
trying to finish the article.

DETRICK:
Damn. Skin looks radiant.

TRAVIS: Good morning.
DETRICK: Wakey wakey.

Good morning, sleeping beauty.

DETRICK:
You look good.

Let's get you up.
Let's get you in the shower.

You're right.
I'll condense that quote.

These are great notes.

-Thank you.
NED: No, I loved it.

It's great that
the Frank Durhams of the world

-know that someone's watching.
-Yeah. It was really Esmeralda.

-She was kind of amazing.
-Really?

It was nice to see her
being part of the team.

Yeah.

-Okay. Thank you.
-Uh-- Oh, uh, also,

I'm sorry that she made you
dress up like that.

I know
that's not really your thing.

I dress up.

No, I know, but, like,
you know, being... Flirting.

Being flirting?
[CHUCKLES]

I don't want to cultivate

a workplace culture

where you feel the need
to be sexualized

to get a story, you know?

-Anyone. You, Barry.
-Okay.

Why are you being weird?

[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

[LAUGHING]
Ned, what?

That you're an asexual.

I'm sorry,
because of your asexual nature.

-But...
-Right?

No, I'm not asexual. I...

-You're not?
-No.

Why do you...
Why would you think that?

I-- Well, because Esmeralda...

She...

-Okay.
-Okay, goddammit. Esmeralda!

I really would rather...

We're gonna figure this out
right now.

-Esmeralda!
-Yes?

Why did you lie to me

-and say that she was asexual?
-That's...

Who is asexual?

Oh, you-- Don't do this,

'cause you said it
right to my face, okay?

Well, Ned, I'm so sorry,

but your face
is changing all the time.

So sometimes it's hard to say,
to remember what I say to it.

You know,
yesterday you were blue.

It doesn't really matter
why she said it.

It's just really weird
that you'd just believe it.

-Right.
-No, you're-- The twin bed.

-Oh, my God.
-You're single.

-You're single.
-I...

I feel like
there were more reasons.

-[SIGHS]
-You're just very gullible.

No. No, no,
I'm not gullible.

I'm sorry,
believing a lie about me

without asking me
about it first?

-Aren't you a journalist?
-Okay, bye-bye.

I just--

Look, asking you about it
would have been

-totally inappropriate.
-Mm-hmm.

The most respectful thing
that I could do was...nothing.

Well, thank you so much
for respecting me.

I'm gonna go revise this.

NED:
I don't get it.

Why is she mad at me?

[SIGHS]

You can say
all the right things,

but some people
are just sensitive, I guess.

I don't even think she noticed
how revitalized I look.

MARE:
Terrible, terrible.

[UPBEAT THEME PLAYING]