S01E06 - Churnalism

No: 6 | Season: 1 Episode: 6 | Air Date: 4-Sep-2025 | Runtime: 30:49 mins

It's a pull, dude. It's a pull.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I feel a bit nervous. A room full with real journalists.

Oh, no. I'm not nervous in front of nerds.

This is an urgent, necessary story for anyone who likes being hot.

Nicole: Esmeralda's article seems like clickbait, and yours seems like something my mom would text it wouldn't be clear why.

So Esmeralda's article was clickbait. Guys, churnalism, right? Raise your hand if you've ever actually learned anything from an article like this.

Ned accuses me of sensationalizing stories. Now, since when sensation is a bad thing? Ask a box of condoms.

Guaranteed six-pack abs. No crunches required, heh. Obviously, I know these things don't work. Um... But they may work for me.

Esmeralda: (to Mare) That's your problem. If you think small, your life is small. Like an ant.

You would be mad to just rip open a packet and take them yourself, but the King's Taster is there for a reason.

Mare: You look like an avatar. Ned: They're called Na'vi, actually.

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! I don't really have a migraine. This is just me being great at journalism.

Adam: I can't afford another kid. Ken: Have you never heard of contraception? Get some sheep intestines, tie a knot in it, you're good to go.

I had a bit of a reaction to the chemical peel.

Esmeralda: I could actually try an American accent. "Merry Christmas, Frank. Nice cheeseburger, buddy." Mare: I'll do it.

8:42. Large chunk of left cheek just dislodged. Pain is down to an 8 and a half.

Mare: I'm trying to slow play it. I got him to buy me a daiquiri. Esmeralda: You little slut. I love it.

I hate kombucha. I hate what it's done to me.

Maybe those were just sugar pills. I mean, three times is pretty standard for us.

Damn. Skin looks radiant.

Summary

Ned takes over Esmeralda's advertorials and assigns the staff to test products themselves, but Esmeralda retaliates, covers one of Ned's stories, and finds a scandal. Ken turns Adam into a lab rat, while Oscar and Adelola compare pain tolerances.

Director and Writers

Director: Jason Woliner
Writers: Eric Rahill

Reviews

Review: Review: The Paper - Season 1, Episode 6: "Churnalism"

Transcript

Script: S01E06 - Churnalism

Quotes

Ned: Every morning, I have a very strong coffee, and then I cycle to work. And on my way, I have to stop at the McGundry Park bathrooms. I'm a creature of habit. This morning, those bathrooms were mysteriously padlocked, so I became a creature of panic.

Ned: Sorry, guys. Small bladder.
Glen: Didn't sound like urine.

Ned: Esmeralda, would you like to go next?
Esmeralda: Oh, my God. Thank you. (laughs) Oh, no, I'm sorry. I feel a bit nervous. A room full with real journalists.
Esmeralda: (to the camera crew) Oh, no. I'm not nervous in front of nerds.

Esmeralda: This is an urgent, necessary story for anyone who likes being hot.
Barry: That's me.
Esmeralda: Bravo, Barry. Exactly. The Korean beauty company, Ulzzang, has found that their Phenol Revitalizing Mask is the most effective face product in face history. Wow.
Ned: Wow.

Ned: If there was just some way to broaden the scope beyond the existence of a product and where to buy it.
Esmeralda: Oh, yes, of course. I can cover the price as well.
Ned: Uh-- Ah...

Nicole: Esmeralda's article seems like clickbait. And yours seems like something my mom would text and it wouldn't be clear why.

Ken: I don't know if I've ever told you guys about my old childhood friend, Douglas Keane. So, Douglas grew up in a 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff.
Travis: Sounds sick as hell.
Ken: It does. Thank you, Travis. But do you know how Douglas' parents paid for this 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff? Anyone? Oscar?
Oscar: Textiles?
Ken: Pardon me?
Oscar: Textiles?
Ken: Prostitution. I'll give you it. Prostitution. Well, we are Douglas Keane. This beautiful office is the 10-bedroom estate, and these, yes, slightly dodgy clickbait articles are prostituting themselves for us.

Esmeralda: Ned accuses me of sensationalizing stories. Now, since when sensation is a bad thing? Ask a box of condoms.

Esmeralda: (On her tactic of sneaking into City Hall) I don't really have a migraine. This is just me being great at journalism!

Mare: I mean, the story's gonna be simple. It's gonna be like this big. (holds up fingers to indicate a tiny amount)
Esmeralda: No, that's your problem. If you think small, your life is small. Like an ant.

Adam: I just can't have any more kids. Four is just about manageable, because you get one per hand per adult. But five, I don't even-- I've been thinking, like, how do you even--? How do you even do that? Do you use a foot? Then people think you're kicking them?

Detrick: Nicole's not doing great. It was the kombucha that got her. I feel like that stuff, it does need to be refrigerated. That's why when you buy it from the store, it's always in the refrigerator.

Mare: (referring to Ned with a blue face mask) You look like an avatar.
Ned: They're called Na'vi, actually.
Esmeralda: Mare, I think we should-- (shrieks) Oh, my God! Oh, don't kill me! Blue beast!

Adam: Ken, what if it, like, supercharges my semen?
Ken: Pardon me?
Adam: Supercharges my semen. I can't afford another kid.
Ken: Have you never heard of contraception? Get some sheep intestines, tie a knot in it, you're good to go.

Esmeralda: You are going to squeeze him for information. You'll milk him.
Mare: Why can't you go?
Esmeralda: Because I spoke to him on the phone and he recognizes my voice, you know. I could actually try an American accent. "Merry Christmas, Frank. Nice cheeseburger, buddy."
Mare: I'll do it.

(At the Macaroni Barn)
Hostess: Hi, table for one tonight, ma'am?
Esmeralda: Excuse me?
Hostess: Table for one?
Esmeralda: No. No. Never. What you have here is not food. It's bullsh*t. It's not even Italian, you know?

Ned: (sees Mare in a black cocktail dress) You look... You look so nice.
Mare: I think part of your face just fell off.
Ned: Oh, thanks. (into his phone) 8:42. Large chunk of left cheek just dislodged. Pain is down to an 8 and a half.

Notes and Trivia

Mid-credits scene: There is no mid-credits scene in this episode. This is the only episode in season one without a mid-credits scene.

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common locations, such as opening credits montage locations, can be found here.