The Paper (NBC) Transcript

Twenty-two minutes.

That's how long
your computer's been inactive.

What were you doing in there?

Faffing around?

Watching the latest episode

of So You Think
You Can Dillydally?

[SCOFFS]
You can't ask me that.

So not a denial per se.

I shall be alerting
the wage-garnishers.

Bit quicker.

KEN:
They are only allowed

to work on the newspaper
couple of hours a day.

Now, this program here, voila,

that lets me know whenever
their computer is inactive.

-[TABLET CHIMES]
-And! Here we go!

Oscar hasn't touched
his spreadsheet for 15 minutes.

Oh, dear. You're scamming
the company, mate.

I'm so tired of asking Adam
to move my mouse

every time I'm out on a story.

I've got my own mouse
to worry about.

You guys wanna see
something crazy?

BARRY: Uh-oh.
-I call it The Mouse Nudger.

Watch this.

[MOUSE WHIRS]

NICOLE: Whoa.
ADAM: Oh, man.

Oh, my God, look!

Mm-hmm. So no matter
where Mare goes,

her mouse keeps moving,

keeping her computer awake.

Mare could literally vanish
and it wouldn't matter.

Well, it'd matter. To some.

How did you make that so fast?

It's something I designed
to stuff down the throat

of a dead frog
to make it wiggle,

so a trout would wanna eat it.

And I was confident enough
to make about 144 of them.

But the suits at Bass Pro Shops
didn't get it.

Shall I put you all down
for one?

-[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
-Oh.

"Ken Davies
has just invited you

to get back to work."

MARE: Jesus.
-You know what, I'll take one.

-Yeah. Can I take two?
-Yeah, me too.

Everyone busy, busy.

My little dwarves.
And I'm Snow White, their boss.

The tough but fairest
of them all.

[WHIRRING]

ADAM:
You gotta put it in six times.

One, two, three, four, five--

ALL [LAUGHING]:
Oh!

Here, you woke Daddy!

MARE: Sorry to freak you out!
ADELOLA: You all woke Daddy!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Marv and some of his team
are working on this floor

while his offices
are being painted.

Which means he can see
everything that we're doing.

We're enjoying this meeting.
Everyone's sort of nodding.

-Nodding a little bit.
-Okay.

-Yes.
-Right.

Yes, I am actively agreeing
with you.

Now you act like you came up
with another good idea--

Put up your hand.

-I don't know what you want--
-Yes! Yes, yes!

That is a great idea.
I'm gonna write that down.

Does that look
like I'm writing it down?

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah?
-Good. Good, good.

This is weird. Maybe we should
just have a real meeting--

Now, Adelola, you're pointing.
You're pointing

and everyone's nodding
and I am agreeing.

And Barry, you stand up,
you stand up.

I think everyone's nodding now.
We're all nodding at Barry. Yes.

Now Detrick, you're gonna jump
out with enthusiasm.

You're gonna high five Oscar!
Go! Yes, and, oh!

Fantastic.
Fantastic and we're clapping,

we're clapping
and we're thumbs-upping.

We're thumbs-upping
and we're nodding.

Feel the energy
and we're smiling.

That was the most fun meeting
we've ever had!

-Yeah?
-Okay, fantastic.

-Thank you so much.
-Impressive.

Stop, stop. Too much, too much.
Welcome, sir!

Didn't know you were here.

I hope the fumes
aren't too bad down there.

I know this is distracting.
But we won't get in your way.

Oh, no. Not at all.

It is fantastic
to have you here.

And I don't know.
Do you need anything or--?

I think I know my way around.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, very good.
Well, our floor is your floor.

Usually your floor
is my ceiling.

[LAUGHS]

Boom, fantastic.

Some people
tend to lose all dignity

in the face of their betters.

Fortunately, it usually
gets them precisely nowhere.

Men of quality--

Your Marv Putnams
of this world.

--they can see
right through you.

NED [CHUCKLES]: Yeah...
-[LAUGHS]

That is excellent, My Liege!

-All right. Back to work!
MARV: Sounds good.

-Happy to have you.
-Be off with you.

[SIGHS]

I don't have to be friends
with everybody I work with.

I mean,
I'm not friends with Ken.

And Ken's, you know, never...

assumed something about me
so incorrectly

I spend all weekend going
through my makeup and clothes

and facial expressions
in the mirror, trying to--

I'm sorry, do you guys ever
ask questions about journalism?

Hey, Marv.

November 1984.

A profile of a certain
up-and-coming local businessman

that you might recognize.

Whoa.

Look at that kid.
What happened to all my hair?

Huh. I don't know.

-And also, we got your obituary.
-What?

As a prominent Toledon,

we will have it
ready to go for you

the second you die.

Maybe even
a little bit before.

"Marvin Putnam, the end."

-Hey!
-Hey.

I was just showing Marv

some times that he was

or will be in the paper.

Like, "Marvin Putnam, the end."

[LAUGHS]
Stop saying that.

"A graduate of DePauw,

Putnam lettered in tennis before
joining Hamilton Mills in 1982.

For the next 40 blank years,
he oversaw the financial..."

Wow.

Not exactly Warren Buffet.

[LAUGHS] Hey, Marv,
have you met Detrick?

Hey, Detrick, this is Marv,
he's in sales too.

-Hey, how are you?
-How'd your weekend go, kid?

I caught the second half.
Go Mudhens?

It's always hard when
the head honcho is around.

For some reason
when he's talking to me,

I start thinking about
the way my dad looked

during my little league games.

It's-- It's like he'd have
an empty look in his eyes.

And I'd just be at bat,
wondering,

like, where his mind
had taken him in those moments.

And then I realize
Marv is still talking,

and I have no idea
what the hell he's saying.

Right, they were down three
in the top of the eighth.

I skateboard to work.

-Hey, uh--
-Oh, it's Travis, sir.

Right.
How's your day going?

Everything is fine

and I love working here,
thank you.

I can't stand it
when people lose their spine

the second a person higher up
on the pay scale notices them.

It's like the hidden cost
of capitalism.

Like, your labor is not enough,
they want your dignity too.

I do not play that game.

-Hi.
-Hey.

-Hello.
-Hey.

Marv said
these are all approved.

These are the stories
I said we're not doing.

I know.
But Marv thought differently.

He says they have spice.

You, uh--
You can't go over my head.

Are you calling me short?
I go directly to HR.

-Do you have an appointment?
-I just wanna ask a question.

I didn't see you
in Marv's schedule, mate.

Listen.

Just because the boss
is on your floor,

it doesn't mean that you've
gone up in the world.

You're like a child
sitting on a pilot's lap

who thinks
he's flying the plane.

Well, guess what? He's not.

They're not insured for that.

-Careful.
-Hey.

Hey, buddy. How you doing?

You know Kimberly here

just sold her one millionth roll
of Softees?

-Can we chat?
-Sure.

Yeah? Thanks.

KEN:
Don't.

[SIGHS]

The golden boy.

He's coming for me.

I can tell,
he's coming for me.

Imagine that.

Losing your job
to Ned bloody Sampson,

how pathetic.

Sorry.

ADELOLA:
Why is Ned so good with Marv?

-Why do you think?
-Hm.

-I don't know.
-One percent.

They have a shorthand.
A secret language.

Like Bulgarian.

If I ever say anything to Marv
that I wouldn't say to you,

I want you to slap me.

-Put it in writing.
-Sure.

It's so great that you're here.
It's a real shot in the arm.

-Thanks, kid.
-If I can be honest,

I think it's very exciting
that you're here to the team.

And it might actually be

a little more
than they can handle.

I overstepped.

-Oh, no. Not at all.
-No Grandpa giving out sweets.

No! No, not that at all.

Big boss daddy
with the fancy tie.

It is fantastic
that you're here.

-It's fantastic. I just--
-I got it.

I got it.

Thanks, Marv.

Old Ned playing the game.

Didn't know he had it in him.

They're bonding.
I think it's sweet.

No, no, no.

Groveling, sniveling,
conniving.

Scheming.

The Ginger Machiavelli.

-[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
-Whoa!

Looks like they're almost done
fixing our floor.

Be good, kiddo. Love you.

Men of that age,
my father's age

don't often get to hear
I love you.

Mostly because
they don't say it.

But he said it.

He absolutely said it.

Marv!

I love you.

Yeah. Love you, bud.

Love this.

KEN:
We need to talk.

Take the service elevator
down to B.

-Hey, Oscar?
-Mm-hmm?

I need those purchase orders
and, um...

I love you.

-Sent.
-Thank you.

And I love you
more than the moon and stars.

-Mm.
-[LAUGHS]

TRAVIS:
Hey, there's no shame

in publicly showing love
to another man

in the workplace, okay?

Me and Garcia say
we love each other all the time.

-Watch this. Love you, Garcia!
-Love you, man!

Hey, Detrick.

-Love you, bro.
-What?

I'm just a boy,
standing in front of his boss--

That's not something
to joke about.

Love, Actually?

Hm, Yeah. It's Notting Hill,
but whatever.

-Hey, Casanova?
-Huh?

You coming for my ass next?

Oh! [LAUGHS]

Oh, I was, uh, hoping
nobody noticed that.

I noticed.
That's why I made that remark.

Yeah,
I would say people clocked it

when you declared
your feelings

for the guy
who runs the company.

You think they'll make
a thing out of it?

-[CLEARS THROAT]
ADAM: Hey, Ned.

I just wanna let you know,
um, you complete me.

I think they'll make
a thing out of it.

Just curious,
do your dad and Marv

go to the same yacht club?

Ha! Okay. Ha, ha! My dad
doesn't have a yacht. Okay?

He's a pilot. He owns
a Piper Cub twin engine.

He once had to crash land
in a field, like Harrison Ford.

So...

Hey, that wasn't too weird
back there, right?

Hmm? I'm sorry. I'm busy.

Oh, sure. But, y-you--
You heard Marv

say "I love you" first, right?

No, I don't really remember.

I just really need
to get back to this.

Sure. Sorry to bother you.

Look. It's not my job
to talk about Ned,

or that his dad
cheated on his mom

and forgot his birthday
two weeks ago

and recently started
blood thinners.

Ahem. Okay, guys, uh...
This teasing,

it's, uh, great fun, it's part
of a comfortable rapport

that we have established
and it goes both ways.

Hey, Barry,
when was the last time

someone let you
talk to your grandkids?

-Whoa, Ned. Jesus Christ.
TRAVIS: Oh, my God.

DETRICK: What?
-But just remember,

everybody, that today

is all about pleasing Marv
and getting his approval.

We have to make Marv proud!

Ned seems to be working through
something today,

which he definitely
should be doing.

But maybe not at work.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Well, I knew Ned was ambitious,
but "I love you"? My God.

How will I get him fired

now that he's seduced
the old man?

Well, there's no way
of squeezing

between Ned's lips
and Marv's ass, is there?

-We need to get rid of one.
-The lips?

No, the ass
protects the lips.

We need to remove the ass.
We need to get rid of Marv.

Are we really talking
about this?

I went to university with a man
called J. Autumn Reed,

currently COO of DS Smith.

He is in the midst
of a rather nasty divorce

and is looking for a change.

If the board of Enervate
got wind of the fact

that Marv is slipping,

and J. Autumn Reed
is waiting in the wings,

well they would cast Marv
out to sea on a block of ice

with a new Rolex,
saying thanks but no thanks.

And I happen to know
that J. Autumn Reed

is a man who remembers
his friends.

Would J. Autumn Reed

also remember
friends of friends?

God, yeah.

-Ken.
-Mm-hmm?

We have to know
that we trust each other.

Do we not know that?

Well, if Marv hears about this

before they float him away,

we are done.

Listen, babe.

We are in a tribe of two,

indelibly linked together
with a silent bond for eternity.

-To the grave.
NATE: Sounds risky to me.

See, what if J. Autumn Reed
and his wife

patch things up?

Oh, Marv, that's arugula.
I see you looking at it.

It's a spicy weed.

Well, I like it.

Ooh, there you are!

Hey, I just wanted
to let you know

I'm, uh, running
a story meeting soon,

if you want to come watch me.

-I'd love it.
-Yeah?

-Yeah.
-Great.

Shouldn't be eating
this much grease.

Come on. Cholesterol.

-See you soon.
-Yeah.

Nice to be doted on.

Well, I've been telling you that
pizza's unhealthy for 25 years.

The difference is,
he lets me eat it.

So...

You know, this conversation

that maybe you overheard?

I mean, how much of that
did you hear exactly?

-I didn't hear much. Yeah.
-[KEN & ESMERALDA SIGH]

Just the part where you guys
were gonna get Marv fired

and then divide the company
for yourselves.

-That's the only part.
-Oh.

You are
such an interesting man.

Bloody interesting.

-Oh, my God. Yes.
-Thank you.

I mean, why aren't we down here
all the time?

-Well, because of your work.
KEN: Yeah.

-Yes.
KEN: That's a part of it, yeah.

But this is something that,
that we need to change.

KEN: Gotta change. Mm-hmm.
-Don't you think so?

Yeah. See, I'm--
I'm not just a janitor.

See, I dropped out of college

to become a full time
Skype phone salesman.

And I made them pay me
in stocks.

Yeah, that's a bet
that I wanted to make on myself.

It's a bet that I lost.
But sometimes I wonder--

Oh, God, yeah.
Well, wonder no longer.

You being down here,
that's what's gotta change.

Oh, yes.

KEN:
How does the phrase,

"Nate Wells, Head of Marketing"
sound?

-Oh! [LAUGHS]
-Oh! The head of marketing?

ESMERALDA: Yes.
KEN: God, yeah.

Yes, in charge
of the, uh, promotion

and distribution of products.

-Very important.
-Highly.

Highly salaried.

-Wow. Promotion, sure, but...
-Yeah.

-...distribution?
-Yeah.

You know,
I don't wanna do a job

unless I know
I'll be great at it.

Nate,
you are going to crush it.

And in return,
all you have to do is

not tell anyone
about what you heard.

Ever.

-Ever, ever?
-Ever, ever.

-I, you know--
-Hey, consider this.

Hey! Marv! I saved you a seat.

Welcome! So yes, we have
power outage and new hydrants.

What else? Come on.
Something with pizazz.

What about natural disasters
most likely to strike Toledo?

Ooh, that sounds good.
I'd read it.

Oh, fantastic. Well,
that was actually one of mine.

-I pitched that one.
-Oh, good for you.

NED:
Thank you very much.

Well, I am a lone wolf,
for sure,

but, uh...

But, yeah, I would like
someone to look at me

the way that Ned
looks at Marv.

Well, another one I was thinking
was, uh, that toll road

that's still really gravelly.

I mean, what are we paying for?
Am I right?

ADAM:
Well...

How about Jeep week?

-Oh, yeah.
-Seems to be very popular

-every year.
DETRICK: Hell, yeah.

I think toll road
is still a winner

and maybe
we should focus on that.

All right,
what do I know?

I'm just the guy
who edits the newspaper.

We didn't even get to cover
Jeep Week last year,

because Esmeralda bailed
when they wouldn't gift her

a Grand Cherokee.

[LAUGHS]
Well, can't hurt to ask again.

-Cool.
-What do you think?

I'm gonna stop you there.

I will not be offering up
any agreeable responses

based solely on your title here
and the power dynamic.

It's not true to who I am.

Refreshing. Good on you.

Dammit, I like him!

That was fun, guys!

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Thanks for backing me up
on toll road. I looked stupid.

I looked stupid
in front of the boss.

-You don't look stupid!
OSCAR: Ned.

This place is a pig sty.

I know where everything is.

-Hey.
-What you got there?

It's the Jeep Week story.

Coming along?

Maybe.

Speak up, Ned.
You're mumbling.

I said, maybe!

What do you, uh, do
outside this place?

Seeing someone?

Nope.

A man needs
female companionship.

[JAR LID CLANKS CLOSED]

What about that, uh, girl
sits outside your office?

-Whoa, stop.
-You should ask her out.

You have your first boy,

-you gift me a crock-pot.
-You're being weird.

-Stop being weird.
-It's an Ohio tradition.

Are you gonna
get out of my office?

-Leave!
-Ooh!

Someone's got the hots.

No one says the hots anymore.

Don't-- Hey!
Don't say anything to her!

Hi!

NATE:
Marketing is tricky.

And I don't really have
a background in it.

But I noticed for a while now
that Enervate's

not really taking advantage
of their socials

-like they should.
-Mr. Wells.

-So I've been Googling things...
-Good to see you.

...and I'm getting--
Hello, partner.

-Partner?
-Yes, how are you?

Oh, hi! Ciao! Hello!

Wow, you're talking to the crew.

-[CHUCKLES]
-[SIGHS]

About mops?

Uh, no.
We're talking about marketing.

So you know that proposal
that you guys offered me?

I thought about it,
and you know what,

let's do this.

But which proposal
are you talking about?

Oh, yes. About cleaning faster
or cleaning better?

Oh, no, you don't have
to worry about them.

They're the ones that brought up
your evil plan to me.

I figured
you already told them.

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

-We are practicing a play.
-Well, we're writing a play...

-Yes.
-...is the truth.

We are writing a play together,
our first.

-Our first.
-And we were just-- Hello!

We were just trying
to work out

what one of the characters
would do

-in a certain scenario.
-Yes. In a certain scenario,

uh, these characters
would take over.

Which is a very common plot,
in so many plays.

Well, a mutiny, basically.
I mean, it's been done to death.

-Yes.
-So why not, you know,

-do that again?
-Why not?

But, but not. But not.
We could do anything else.

-Got it.
-We could do a movie.

About a musical.
About a movie about a musical.

About a movie
about a musical, right?

What it was,
was it was a loyalty test.

-Yes.
-We were testing Nate's loyalty.

It was a loyalty test.

Because janitors,
more than anyone,

-they have to be loyal.
-Gotta be loyal.

Because of the stuff
they find in the trash.

Or in the toilets.

[SIGHS]
Your Jeep story.

Oh.

Do you like it?

No. I handed it in
'cause I hate it.

Well then scrap it.
I don't care.

You're the editor.
I trust your instincts.

Fine. I will.
I'll scrap it. Yeah?

Again.

[GRUNTS]

You're not gonna do it
like that.

You know what?

I don't like you.
I don't love you.

And you're getting
in the way here.

Okay? We're trying
to put out a paper.

Oh, really?
Well, I'm very sorry.

I won't be in your way.

That was kind of mean.
You're mean.

Yeah.
Marv was like Bambi's mom,

and you were like...the gun.

It wasn't that bad, was it?

My Nana lives
in a care facility.

If I caught a nurse
yelling at her like that,

we'd get a discount
that month.

I mean, I guess
I'm not a suck-up, right?

'Cause I guess
Marv hates me now.

He's gonna shut down
the whole paper.

Right,
just to be a dick.

-I didn't say that.
-Everything's gonna be fine.

Get back to work!

Well, Mr. Yellow Knapsack
needs to back off.

ANN:
Where is he?

Well, good afternoon, Ann Put--

Okay, now don't sweet-talk me
today, Ned.

I heard what you did.

That man keeps the lights on
over your head,

and this is how you thank him?

By ordering him
out of his own newsroom?

And by letting that dimwit

show him
a two-paragraph obituary

that doesn't do him justice!

What's wrong with you today,
Ned?

Make it right!

God!

Ned, she's not wrong.

Marv can shut down
the Truth Teller

if he feels like it.

I think he's probably

just upset about the obituary,

so we'll make it better
by writing him a better one.

It'll be a nice gesture,
right?

An obituary so amazing,

he'll wish that people
were reading it

in tomorrow's newspaper.

Uh, I... That...

It sounds like a threat,
it's not a threat.

What's going on?
You seem so serious.

Oh, we are serious,
I'm afraid, Marv. Ahem.

We hate to be the ones
to break it to you.

Yes. We hate this.

Um...

-Go on.
-Nate Wells is taking drugs.

-Nate Wells?
-Janitor.

-Oh, Nate, yeah.
-Yeah.

-Wow.
-Wow.

-That's surprising.
-Yes.

What kind of drugs?

-Well, synthetic mushrooms--
-Poppers, whip-its,

-uppers, downers...
-That make you hallucinate

-and hear things.
-...designer stuff.

KEN:
The man is delusional, Marv.

ESMERALDA:
He makes up stuff.

Like, crazy stuff.
Like, conspiracy stuff.

Overthrows, backstabbing.

One minute it'll be governments,
the next minute companies.

Once a school.

ESMERALDA: Yeah.
-Yeah.

It's fascinating
what imagination does

when drugs come
bing-banging through.

Gee whiz. Nate.

-Yes, poor Nate.
-Poor old Nate.

"He was a renaissance man,

"toilet paper,
envelopes, paper towels,

he did it all." Yeah.

"It was only his flat feet
that kept him out of Vietnam,

"but he finally managed
to get there

on a cruise four years ago."

That's good, right? Nice.

So he has no kids.
Should we put that?

Like,
"He is survived by no kids."

He has no kids?

-Is something wrong with him?
-No.

I think
we just don't mention that.

His company is his children.

That is beautiful.

-Wanna put it down?
-Yeah, put that down.

He is survived by his company.

No.
His company is his children.

-God in heaven.
-Mm.

Please help my brother, Nate...

...through this dark time
and lead him into the light.

* Swing low *

* Sweet chariot *

BOTH:
* Coming for to carry me home *

[KNOCKS]

Hey. Do you have a minute?

[SIGHS]

I've been working with the staff
this afternoon.

We, uh, put something together
that I hope you enjoy.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Marv Putnam is dead.

"He died yesterday.

"He was not surrounded
by people who loved him.

"He was surrounded...

by people who adored him."

-Ned, what is this?
-Please. If you'll allow me,

we're about to get to a part

I really think
is going to blow you away.

We were tearing up
just writing it.

Ned, there's something
going on, and...

I can't say that
I'm not feeling it too.

But it would mean
the world to me,

if we don't
actually discuss it.

I'm not your daddy.

This is a business.

And we don't shut down
a newspaper

because you wrote
a bad obituary

or you acted weird.

We'd shut it down

because you don't make
any money.

Yeah.

I found out today

that a very sweet man
has a drug problem.

That's real.

That's where
I'm gonna put my energy.

[SIGHS]

True love isn't something
you just say out loud.

Kids don't get that

because it's based
on experience.

Long experience.

You don't have to say I love you
to people you actually love.

They know.

Hey, Marv?

Don't forget
those Vitamin D pills.

We need you.
We need you healthy.

See you tomorrow, Ann.

Forty-two years.

Couldn't do it without her.

My brother's wife.

[UPBEAT THEME PLAYING]

[VACUUM WHIRRING]

[MOUSE WHIRRING]

[MESSAGE CHIMES]

[MESSAGES CHIMING]

[MESSAGE CHIMES]

[UPBEAT THEME PLAYING]