The Paper (NBC) Transcript

Ho, ho, ho, guys.

Ho, ho, ho, indeed.

Here he is,
dear old Santa Clogs,

handing out treats
to the recently inconvenienced.

Marv Putnam
has put me in charge

of doing some brand image
rehabilitation for Softees

after our bloody man mitts

caused a bit of a sewer clog
situation, allegedly.

Well, Marv will finally see what
old Ken Davies is capable of

when he is given total control
of a project.

These may look like ordinary
ice creams, but in actual fact,

they are sample rolls of
peppermint-scented toilet paper.

[KIDS SPITTING, COUGHING]

This isn't ice cream!
It's toilet paper!

Why does it smell like dessert?

It's peppermint-infused tissue,

madam, in the shape
of the thing it smells of.

What about that do you not
understand? I'm sorry.

No. No, no, chill!
You have to chill!

[KIDS SCREAMING]

Drive. Drive!

-Drive!
KID: Keep throwing!

KEN: And remember,
Softees is quality

because Softees cares.

Drive.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey.

[BALL THUDDING]

I can't see you.

-Approved.
-Thank you.

Ned got Oscar to pay
for food and gas

for me and Detrick today.

We're investigating this farm
three hours south of here

that might be a cult.

They might also just love
growing squash,

and all shop at the same
poncho store, but come on.

Also my neighbor's son
is there,

and he missed
his mom's birthday,

so I promised her
we'd get to the bottom of it.

I'm not a hundred percent sure
it's a cult,

but it's a fun story for Mare.

And I got the gas money
approved, so that's fun too.

Hey. Ready to go?

-Um... I'm not going.
-What?

Last night,
I had a messed up dream.

There was a guy in it.
He-He was wearing a red poncho.

He handed me a robe.

And he said, Brother Detrick,
don this.

I didn't even know I knew
what "don" meant.

-But I-- I donned it.
-So you dream-joined the cult?

I just don't think I should go.
I'm too susceptible.

Oh, this is
the squash collective?

I can go with you
if Detrick can't.

Uh, why?
So you can be my bodyguard?

No.
Because it's my favorite stall

at the farmer's market.

Love to see
where they grow it all.

If someone tries to hurt you,
I will just let them.

-Can I come?
-All right.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Ah...

Don't drink the Kool-Aid,
okay?

-I won't.
-Okay.

A few weeks ago,
in the archive room,

someone found a picture
of Barry when he was 30,

and he was very handsome.

So that image stuck in my mind
for several days.

But then Barry did something
very inappropriate,

because when you think about
a man that way,

he knows that he can come
into your dreams,

and he can have his way
with you.

I am very sorry to say
that Barry took that liberty.

If it happened once, it would be
okay, because I was willing.

There was a mutual attraction.

But then it happened
every night!

Like,
Barry has come every night,

unbidden, into my dreams,
and he has had me.

I have my needs,
like everybody else,

maybe more,
but he is insatiable.

And then the day after,
I come into the office,

and he pretends like
nothing happened.

How dares he?

[MESSAGE CHIMES]

New comment on my South Pacific
review at the Stranahan?

"Do you get paid by the adverb
over there?

Write less pretentiously,
asshat."

Oh, man.
Gomudhens10 strikes again.

-It's brutal.
-You know who this is?

Gomudhens10 is a troll
on our website

who pounces on us every time
we make a tiny mistake

and also includes
some weirdly dated

internet meme insult
from 2012.

"Wow, your third article about
brook trout this week.

It's amaze-balls how you
refuse to broaden your scope."

"Er-mer-gerd.

Dangling modifier alert."

I don't--
I don't understand any of that.

"Epic fact check fail."
[LAUGHS]

This is funny.
Gomudhens10 is funny.

Yeah, they're so mean,

-but they're always right.
-Mm, yeah.

Not-- Not that they're right
in this instance, boss.

Yeah, that's totally wrong.

Relax! Stop throwing that!

MOM:
Get away from the truck, kids.

-[SIGHS]
KEN: Drive! Drive! Drive!

KID: Keep throwing!

KEN: And remember,
Softees is quality

because Softees cares.
Drive.

So you're saying
this wasn't your idea?

Well, I mean,
for the sake of gallantry,

I would say it was my idea.

But to be completely honest,

I'm compelled to say

that it was the idea
of someone else.

Named...Nicole Lee.

The girl from the newspaper?

She can be
a forceful little madam.

Well, I don't know what series
of decisions led us here, Ken,

but Channel 5 offered to have
you come on this afternoon

-and apologize.
-For which mistake, sorry?

For as many as you can fit
into eight minutes.

That's all they've given us.

Mm-hmm. Well, I would be
absolutely delighted to do that.

Serving children ice cream that
turned out to be toilet paper.

We were, indeed,
serving children ice cream

that turned out
to be toilet paper.

Yeah, that's a good assessment.

All right,
if we leave right now,

it'll take us like four hours
and change.

[CLATTERS]

NED:
Oh.

-Wow.
-You can just sit on it.

-It's clean trash.
-It's clean trash?

-Uh-huh. It's dry.
-All right.

You had a dream
where you had sex with Barry?

No. Did you hear what I said?

Barry came into my dreams
and just took me.

It wasn't like a dream
that you make up.

It was him.

I'm confused. Like a nightmare?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.
[CHUCKLES]

Oh, no, he was wonderful, heh.

Very surprising.
I can't complain about that. No.

It's just that I think
he's an incubus,

like he is a sexual demon.

Right. Hmm.
Maybe that's something

you should talk about
with a professional.

Oh, yes.

Right.

Oh, man. This is so much fun.

-Yeah. This is great.
-I love it.

-[CHUCKLES]
-It'd be so great.

Road trip.

-Road trip. Road trip.
-Road trip.

-Road trip. Road trip.
-Road trip. Road trip.

[SNORING]

Kill, fuck, marry
everybody in the office.

I'd marry them all.

[SIGHS]

-You?
-Fuck Ken.

-God.
-And kill Ken.

Before or after?

[LAUGHS]

-Same time.
-Might be easier.

-Marry Nicole.
-Yeah.

-Marry Nicole?
-Of course.

-My best friend.
-She's great.

I hope I'm too smart
to join a cult, but who knows?

I fell for Blue Apron,
so clearly there's a hole...

-[LAUGHS]
-...in my life, right?

I think the right cult
could totally get me.

-You?
-Yes.

Skeptical you? No way.

No, sometimes I think I enjoy

the structure of the Army
too much.

You never have to think
about what to wear.

Ugh, you just eat whatever's
under the foil.

Hey. sheep.

Mm.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Oh, that one--
That one looks like Flossie.

-See that one?
-Flossie?

Oh, my parents got me a, uh,
a pet lamb when I was 7.

Wait, but I thought you grew up
in Cleveland Heights.

Yeah,
we went to a petting zoo...

Uh-huh.

...and I fell in love
with this lamb,

and I just begged my parents
to get me one

for the longest time,
and I kept at it,

and eventually
they got me Flossie.

Wow.

And Flo--
Flossie was a live sheep.

A lamb, yes.

And she was amazing.

I loved her, but she was
never fully housebroken.

-Mm-hmm.
-And so eventually,

my dad sent her away
to go live on a farm.

[CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

What?

-[LAUGHS]
-What?

I mean, there's like

300 unrelatable things
about what you just said.

-No, no.
-First of all,

that you were a young boy
who desired a sheep.

Then, your parents
actually bought you one.

-Mm-hmm.
-Like, bought you

a full-on live sheep,

and now you think
the poor thing

[LAUGHING] lived to
a ripe old age on a farmstead.

-They sent photos.
-I love it so much.

You had the childhood
of, like, a Hungarian prince.

Don't make it a class thing.

-Are you kidding?
-I had a dog too.

-Sheep aren't that expensive.
-Really? What did Flossie eat?

Cook would give it
our leftovers.

[LAUGHING]
What?

[LAUGHING]
No, I didn't have a...

Flossie's assistant
gave it hay and flowers.

Yeah, I was a little worried
when Ned asked to come along.

It meant he didn't trust me
or something,

but he's actually been
really fun.

Uh, Oscar, do you have
the order number for--

"Asshat" is just such
an unforgivably stupid word.

"Unforgivably"? Another adverb.

Okay, well, it's a vile thing
to call someone.

Dude, you gotta move on, okay?

Oh, no, no, no.
I think it's funny.

That's where I'm coming from.

But all I'm saying is how--
how stupid it is.

Because-- What?
So in this scenario, what?

I'm a little hat worn by an ass?
An ass wears a hat?

[GROANS]

Or am I an ass-shaped hat? What?
[LAUGHS]

-Do you see what I'm saying?
-Mm-hmm.

I-- You just--
I wanna find them.

I wanna find them
and-- and grab them and just...

Explain to them how funny it is,

the whole scenario,
how amusing it is to me.

That's all.
Because you can't--

But you can't
because it's computers

and it's internet,

so you can't tell them
'cause you can't find them

-'cause there's no way--
-Track down their IP address.

-IP address?
-Yeah, it's traceable.

-I can track them.
-No, no, no, Oscar.

Look at me, dude.
Revenge is a very dark road

and it can be
surprisingly expensive.

What road? We're chatting,
and I'm chatting, and that's it.

But thank you. I appreciate it.

Okay, but if you do wanna
go down this road,

y-you'd call IT,
and the number is 3-2-7-1.

Thank you, Adam.
I'll just take it. Just--

Thank you.

I never told you to rent
an ice cream truck.

I don't know if I've ever
even spoken to you.

Mm-hmm.
The important thing is

Marv thinks
it was your idea,

so we are where we are.

-But--?
-Does this ring a bell?

"Dear Ken,
my name is Nicole Lee.

I would like to shadow you."

I wrote that two years ago
and you never responded.

This is me responding.
Welcome aboard.

You are Joe Radlingshaffer,

host of
WNWO's Afternoon Delights.

-Mr. Davies...
-Hmm?

what is your response
and Softee's response

-to the sewer crisis?
-Mm-hmm.

Hello, Madame Radlingshaffer.

What? What is that face for?

-You just...seem weird.
-Uh-huh.

I think we need you
to come across

-in a more relatable way.
-Shall I lose my tie?

Mm! No, I don't think
that's gonna get you there.

Damn it.

I know what Ken's doing.
He needs a scapegoat.

But guess what?

Goats climb fast.

Hey, um,
Detrick was gonna read over

our interview questions out loud
so we could go over them.

-Oh, cool.
-Uh-huh.

But we don't need to go
over them. I bet they're great.

-Thanks.
-[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

-Mare Pritti.
-Mare, hi. Bethany DeAdona.

I write for
Cleveland Today Magazine.

I read your piece
about the Toledo sewer clog.

Really impressive work.

That's-- Wow.

-Thank you so much.
-So I'm interested in...

-Get that spider?
-...journalistic independence

-from corporate ownership.
-Oh.

-Do you have a minute to talk?
-Yeah, sure.

Really fantastic reporting,
by the way.

I mean, thank you
for the kind words.

You deserve them.

It must have been
really stressful

to stand up to corporate
like that.

Yeah, it was stressful

-to, um, stand up--
-[MOUTHS WORDS]

-Cup? Do you have a cup?
-[WHISPERS] No, I don't.

[NORMALLY] To stand up to, uh,
corporate like that.

-Um...
-[WHISPERS] Can I use this?

-Uh-huh.
-And, uh, I--

-Are you there?
-You know what? Bethany,

could I put you
on the briefest of holds?

Sure, no problem.

-Thank you so much.
-[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

-What the...are you doing?
-I'm just--

-I got a system.
-Just smush it.

I'm not gonna smush it.
I have a system.

-Just smush it.
-It's humane.

-Can you just please be quiet?
-Sure.

-This is good, right?
-Yeah, it's fantastic.

Okay, so... Thank you.

-Okay.
-[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Thank you, Bethany.
I'm here,

and I have a couple of minutes
for sure.

Great. So I just wanted
to get some more details.

You had to weigh
the public good

-against Enervate's interests.
-You know, I--

And you held your own owners

-accountable.
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's the first thing
that comes to mind.

That is
what I was thinking about

-when I started the article.
-[WHISPERS] Is it on me?

You take a lot of courage
to write an article like that.

Uh-huh.

I'm having trouble hearing you.

[MOUTHS WORDS]
Roll up the window.

[NORMALLY] I know. I'm sure
it's hard to hear me.

-Hello?
-Yes.

Great, whenever you're ready.

-[NED YELPING]
-Is everything okay?

No, I'm just so excited about--

Woo-hoo! --the article. This...

-Yeah, it's really good.
-[GROANING]

You know what? I'm just gonna
move you off speaker.

-[NORMALLY] Is it on me?
-Sorry.

-Is it on me?
-I'm visiting my

grandfather right now.

Barry, I was in the mail room,

and I found this box
with your name on it.

It's very small,
but I wonder what it is.

I'm so curious.

-Thanks.
-You're welcome.

I'm trying to be rational
and practical

about this Barry situation.

Of course, I sprinkled salt
on my doorstep

and on my window sills.

That did nothing.

Now, my psychic told me
that there is another method

that is scientifically proven

that is going to break
the incubus.

Oh, wow. That looks nice.

What the hell?
I think you should wear it

for seven days and seven nights
without showering and then

bury it under a red rock
with the full moon.

[SNIFFS, GRUNTS]

Garlic. Yuck.

No, thanks.

[SIGHS]

[CHAIR CLATTERS]

What do you mean
even psychics can be wrong?

What the hell? I give you $900
for the amulet, okay?

I want my money back.

[GASPS]

Oh, you see him coming around?

Wow, you're positive?

Oh, because he's shy. I know.

No, I know sometimes
I can be intimidating.

I will give him another chance
for sure. Okay, sì.

Yes, yes. I will wire you 100
for the call.

Thank you so much. Ta-ta.

-[SIGHING] Mm.
-[CELL PHONE BEEPS OFF]

And what about
the conflict of interest?

Is it true your editor-in-chief
is a former Softees employee?

Yes, Ned Sampson.
He was super heroic.

He, uh, stood up to corporate

and gave me full latitude
to report as I saw fit.

Good for him.

What's his journalistic
philosophy and background?

Yeah, you know,
he has a lot of principles,

wonderful principles,

but he's not, like,
weighed down by experience.

You know?

But he trusts his reporters,
and that's why he's great.

He knows when
to get out of the way.

-Sounds like a dream.
-[CHUCKLES]

-He's really that hands-off?
-Oh, my God, beyond.

Yeah, very hands-off.

I think in this story,

the readers read it
before he did.

Wow. Mare, I'll update you
when we publish.

-Okay, great.
-Thanks so much for this.

-[CELL PHONE BEEPS OFF]
-Bethany? Yeah--

That went great.

Oh, my God.

It's my first time
being on the other side.

-Uh-huh.
-[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

-Great--
-[GASPS]

Jesus. Is that the spider?

-It's a raisin.
-Oh.

Yeah, I think my dad took me

to a pencil sharpener museum
around here.

Hey, are those
your interview questions?

Mm-hmm.

I can read through them

now that we're stationary.

Oh. Thought you didn't need
to look them over.

Oh. Well,
we have time now, so--

Uh-huh.

Hey, I hope I didn't say
anything weird in the car.

-Oh! To the reporter?
-Yeah.

No, no, no, no. That was great.

'Cause I wasn't trying
to make it sound like you--

No, no, no.

You're finally getting your due.
I'm so happy.

Okay.

Eh...

I don't believe
in the exposed knee.

Back home, we would call these
the schoolmaster's delight.

I swore off them for a reason.

You look like the American half
of a Ninety-Day Fiancée.

-Should I do an American accent?
-I would like to hear that.

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] I'd like
a quarter pounder with cheese.

-I can do it better.
-Pretty good.

-Quarter.
-Quarter.

-Quarter.
-Get me a quarter pounder

with cheese for my mom.

-Perfect.
-[NORMALLY] No notes.

You pick that up so fast.

I tell you what,

if you play your cards right,

you could be my new work wife.

Oh, I've stunned her.

Poor girl.

MARE [QUIETLY]:
Okay...

NED: This is it?
-[NORMALLY] Yeah.

Great.

Hey, guy-- I'm so sorry.
You're gonna have to stay back.

The cult dude is kind
of secretive in an on-brand way.

Alleged cult dude.

All right.

MARE: Hi there.
NED: Hey.

MARE: Shalom.
NED: Shalom?

MARE:
I don't know.

Well, [SIGHS] I found out
who the troll is.

-No.
-You did not.

OSCAR:
I spoke to IT.

I thought
you guys might be curious,

given that it's someone
in the building.

-What?
-What's that?

But since you're not,
I won't tell you who she is.

TRAVIS: She?
DETRICK: Hold up.

-Gomudhens10 is a woman.
-Yeah?

I mean, psh, of course
it could be a woman.

-Anything could be a woman.
-All right, come on. Who is it?

[GROANS]
I-- I want to--

I'm at my limit
with this coyness, Oscar.

Just tell us who it is.

Okay. The IP address
Gomudhens10

can be traced to Suite 812,

-Anne Putnam's office.
TRAVIS: Oh, my stars.

-Marv's assistant.
ADAM: There's no way.

Anne calls my kids cherubs.

-Even Wayne, the worst one.
-She's beautiful.

ADAM:
She's just like a sweet lady.

Mm, I don't know.
She once thanked me

to take my feet
off my own desk.

Why would someone Anne's age

use words like lame-sauce
or noob?

No, doesn't make any sense.

It makes perfect sense.

I see it often
in people over 50.

They get trapped in the year
that they join Facebook.

It's-- It's as if the technology
sends their brain into shock

and their online personalities
get frozen in time.

So Anne is basically
a snarky millennial

trapped in the body
of a boomer.

Well,
they can't all be cults.

What are you talking about?

You heard
what Father Joshua said.

-They're just a farm of friends.
-I'm sor--

-I know you don't believe that.
-Where's your proof?

-I couldn't get any proof.
-Exactly. You couldn't get any--

Because any time I tried
to ask a hard question,

you got awkward
and complimented a pumpkin.

-They were legitimately huge.
-Jesus Christ.

And you're not gonna get
anywhere from insulting people.

Well, we didn't get anywhere
anyway, did we?

Well--

At least you can tell
your neighbor her son is safe.

They said he was selling
zucchini in Canada?

-Yeah.
-[SCOFFS]

Sounds like he's really rising
through the ranks. It's great.

I cannot tell
if you're being serious.

-[TIRE SQUEALS, RUMBLES]
-Shit.

What's that?

Is there something stuck
to the tire?

Yeah.
Probably a piece of gum.

[GRUNTS]

You sure you don't want
to call AAA?

I got it.

Well, your skills
are very impressive.

I'm just saying,
I have AAA Gold,

-unlimited roadside assistance.
-[GRUNTS]

Hotel discounts, double points
at Embassy Suites--

Okay, can you
just let me do this?

Sorry for trying to help.

Are you trying to help
or are you just sitting there?

I'll help.
Give me the steel thing.

Do you know how to use
one of these?

I can learn.

If there's reception.

Steel...L-bar car.

"You should use more
water displacement

four-zero penetrating oil."

You mean WD-40? Mm-hmm.

-No.
-You know what?

-I think I saw some down there.
-Mm-hmm?

With a bunch more reception.

No. Are you--?
Oh, real nice.

You're gonna have
to go get that.

Are you kidding me?

I-- Go and get the--

-Go and get the tire, Mare.
-[SNIFFS]

Mare, as your editor,
I command you-- Goddamn it!

[SIGHS]
Watching him run is...tough.

I hate these clothes!
Is this the best look we have?

-Yes!
-Oh, no!

-Yeah!
-Really?

-Yeah!
-Oh, my God.

Do you have the polo
and the shorts?

Shoot, I left them
at the office.

[SCREECHES]

You said
you wanted to look more rustic.

In the heat of the moment,
I said that.

You have to push back on that.
That's the job of an intern.

We're on in five, guys.

-Thanks.
-Thank you.

I'm dead.
I'm gonna lose the lot.

My respect, my visa,
up in smoke.

-You know what, Ken? You know--
-Go on.

I'll do it.

I'll-- I'll go ahead
and do the interview for you.

-Seriously?
-Yeah.

-You'll take the heat?
-Sure.

Do you know what? When I decided
to pin all of the blame on you,

that was completely at random.

But now I see everything happens
for a reason.

-Yep.
-Mm-hm. You good?

Just...nervous.

-Oh, I was nervous a minute ago.
-Yeah.

-Do you want a hat?
-No, I'm okay.

There we are. Look at that.
"Just licky it."

-Wish me luck.
-I'm worried for you.

Oh, yeah.

Oy-oy. Good luck.

We were trying to make
a product

to help men and kids
stay clean.

But we failed you, Toledo.

And we hope you give us

the chance
to make it up to you.

Thank you, Nicole Lee.

And thank you, Toledo,

for trusting us
with your tushies.

[CHUCKLES]

Tushies. Great job, Nicole.

Oh. Hey, guys. Marv's busy.

He's watching TV.

Actually,
we're here to see you.

Me? Oh, gosh, oh.
Wish I'd worn my good brooch.

What about?

About this.

Oh, okay. Well, let me take
a look at what this is.

How you doing there, Detrick?
How-- How are your nieces?

Oh, um, they're really good.

Layla just started dancing.

Now Allison,
she's blowing glass--

Dedrick.

just read the file, Anne.

Or should I say,
Gomudhens10?

Yeah. Epic fail, Ann.

Oh, my God.
Who could write this awfulness?

Who could write this?

The world is a sick place,
isn't it?

-Isn't it, you poor kids?
-Come on, Ann.

-You wrote such awfulness.
-No, Oscar.

No, I swear to you,
I had nothing to do with this.

We traced your IP address.
It's you.

We know it's you.

You know it's you,
and you should be ashamed.

Well, you don't gotta
yell at her, dude.

-Well, okay.
-Oh, dear.

Marv was right. Marv was right.

He told me that I should
set a password.

And I always said,
well, Marv, what for?

I haven't had a secret
since I was 30. Heh.

And-- And he was--
He was right.

I mean, I'm up and down
from my desk all day long,

running errands for Marv.

And anybody
could just sneak in here,

and they could do whatever
they wanted with my computer.

-I mean, they could do porn.
-Yeah.

Oh, God.

[VOICE CRACKING]
They shouldn't even give these

to old fools like me.

-No.
-You're not old.

You're a little old, but--

Look, I didn't even think
of that as a possibility, okay?

And so maybe we should not
have ambushed you.

-Maybe we should have--
-We're really, really sorry.

No, no, I am sorry.

No, no, no.
I feel partially responsible.

We apologize to you, okay?

And, uh, we apologize,
and that's a beautiful brooch.

-Yeah. Very beautiful.
-He's my boss.

-I feel terrible.
-Don't beat yourself up.

[VOICES OVERLAPPING]

ANNE: I do think that
whoever that troll is,

that they just want
to hold theTruth Teller

to a high standard of quality,
that's all.

Marv invests a lot of money
in that paper.

So we've got to make sure
that it's awesome sauce.

-We're sharing?
-No.

-This is for you.
-[SCOFFS]

You earned a treat because
of the tire change.

Unfortunately, I didn't,
because apparently

-I messed up the interview.
-Oh, my God...

So there's just only one float,
which is for you.

I don't want you to watch me
eat a float, you weird martyr.

I didn't earn it.

-Take a sip of the float.
-I'm not drinking the float.

Take a tiny little sip
of the float.

You take a sip of the float.

It'd mean a lot to me
if you take

a tiny sip of the float.

-I didn't earn it.
-Have a sip of the float.

-You have to earn a treat.
-Put your tiny little lips

around that straw and have
a little bit of the float.

No, thanks.

Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you today?

Why are you needing to be
Mr. Boss everywhere we go?

I don't need to be Mr. Boss,
okay?

[GRUNTING]
Because I amMr. Boss.

-Jesus.
-[WAITER CLEARS THROAT]

-I'm so sorry.
-Sorry.

He actually can be
as loud as he wants

because he's Mr. Boss, so...

Are you...ever gonna take me
seriously as an editor.

-[SCOFFS]
-I-I-I'm not confused about

how weird it is
that I have this job,

but I have it,
so I'm not just gonna let you do

whatever you want to do
all the time. I'm sorry.

-Because you don't trust me.
-I do trust you.

I made you editor
when I resigned.

Oh, my God, for two hours.

It's very clear you think
I'm dumber than you.

I don't think
you're dumber than me.

Yes, you do.

Oh, Mare, wow,
you're so impressive

with your manual labor.

Oh! Oh, Ned,
you're so hands-off.

Wanna know what I think is dumb?

-What?
-A person who takes squash

from a full-on Manson family.
Okay?

-We couldn't prove it.
-They wore matching ponchos!

[SIGHS]

Mare, could you give me
the receipt, please?

I don't want it to disappear
in the recycling bin

-you call a car.
-Yeah, sorry, my car

doesn't come with a maid.

-Dick.
-Hello?

What?

That's-- What nominations?

Uh... Okay, no, wait. I'm gonna
put you on speaker for Mare.

-Say that again.
-Hi.

DETRICK: Oh, good.
You didn't join the cult.

Yeah, the nominations
in the Ohio Journalism Awards

came through.
And Mare, you got nominated

for the best
short investigative piece

for "Softees Clogs Toledo."

-No.
-Ned, there's more.

The whole paper's up

for overall excellence
in journalism.

The whole paper.
So start writing a speech.

-[GASPS] Um...
-Don't forget to thank me.

I-I won't. Thank you so much.
Peace.

-I mean, uh, bye.
-Oh, my God, it's true.

-Holy shit.
-This is incredible.

What's--

Oh, my God!

-[LAUGHS]
-[WHOOPING]

Yes!

[WHOOPING CONTINUES]

[UPBEAT THEME PLAYING]

[BARRY GROANING]

[ESMERALDA SIGHS]

You have been kissing on
the 17th day of the month.

I command you to forsake me.

Set me free, set me free,
set me free.

The spell is broken.

Okay, fine.