S01E09 - Matching Ponchos

No: 9 | Season: 1 Episode: 9 | Air Date: 4-Sep-2025 | Runtime: 29:57 mins

Ho, ho, ho, indeed. Here he is, dear old Santa Clogs, handing out treats to the recently inconvenienced.

These may look like ordinary ice creams, but in actual fact, they are sample rolls of peppermint-scented toilet paper.

We're investigating this farm three hours south of here that might be a cult. They might also just love growing squash, and all shop at the same poncho store, but come on.

Barry has come every night, unbidden, into my dreams, and he has had me.

Do you get paid by the adverb over there? Write less pretentiously, A**hat.

Ken: For the sake of gallantry, I would say it was my idea. But to be completely honest, I'm compelled to say that it was the idea of someone else. Named... Nicole Lee.

You can just sit on it. It's clean trash.

You had a dream where you had sex with Barry?

Barry came into my dreams and just took me.

Hmm. Maybe that's something you should talk about with a professional.

I hope I'm too smart to join a cult, but who knows? I fell for Blue Apron, so clearly there's a hole in my life, right?

Mare: Sometimes I think I enjoy the structure of the Army too much. You never have to think about what to wear... you just eat whatever's under the foil.

Ned: I loved her, but she was never fully housebroken. Eventually, my dad sent her away to go live on a farm.

I wanna find them. I wanna find them and-- and grab them and just... Explain to them how funny it is...

Revenge is a very dark road and it can be surprisingly expensive.

I know what Ken's doing. He needs a scapegoat. But guess what? Goats climb fast.

Mare: Sorry. I'm visiting my "grandfather" right now.

I'm trying to be rational and practical about this Barry situation. Of course, I sprinkled salt on my doorstep and on my window sills. That did nothing.

Ken: I don't believe in the exposed knee. Back home, we would call these the schoolmaster's delight. I swore off them for a reason.

Get me a quarter pounder with cheese for my mom.

Ken: I tell you what, if you play your cards right, you could be my new work wife.

I'm at my limit with this coyness, Oscar. Just tell us who it is.

I see it often in people over 50. They get trapped in the year that they join Facebook. It's as if the technology sends their brain into shock and their online personalities get frozen in time.

Ned: You sure you don't want to call AAA? Mare: I got it. Ned: Well, your skills are very impressive.

Ned: You should use more water displacement four-zero penetrating oil. Mare: You mean WD-40?

Do you know what? When I decided to pin all of the blame on you, that was completely at random. But now I see everything happens for a reason.

Thank you, Toledo, for trusting us with your tushies.

I do think that whoever that troll is, that they just want to hold the Truth Teller to a high standard of quality, that's all. Marv invests a lot of money in that paper. So we've got to make sure that it's awesome sauce.

I don't want you to watch me eat a float, you weird martyr.

You have been kissed on the 17th day of the month. I command you to forsake me. Set me free, set me free, set me free. The spell is broken.

Summary

Ned and Mare take a long road trip to interview a possible cult leader after Detrick backs out. Ken drags Nicole into his corporate apology tour, Oscar is driven mad by a troll commenting on his pieces, and Esmeralda is visited by an incubus.

Director and Writers

Director: Dave Rogers
Writers: L.E. Correia

Reviews

Review: Review: The Paper - Season 1, Episode 9: "Matching Ponchos"

Transcript

Script: S01E09 - Matching Ponchos

Quotes

Travis: (dressed as Santa) Ho, ho, ho, guys.
Ken: Ho, ho, ho, indeed. Here he is, dear old Santa Clogs, handing out treats to the recently inconvenienced.

Ken: (to camera crew) Marv Putnam has put me in charge of doing some brand image rehabilitation for Softees after our bloody man mitts caused a bit of a sewer clog situation, allegedly. Well, Marv will finally see what old Ken Davies is capable of when he is given total control of a project. These may look like ordinary ice creams, but in actual fact, they are sample rolls of peppermint-scented toilet paper.
(KIDS SPITTING, COUGHING)
Kid: This isn't ice cream! It's toilet paper!
Mom: Why does it smell like dessert?
Ken: It's peppermint-infused tissue, madam, in the shape of the thing it smells of. What about that do you not understand?

Mare: We're investigating this farm three hours south of here that might be a cult. They might also just love growing squash, and all shop at the same poncho store, but come on. Also my neighbor's son is there, and he missed his mom's birthday, so I promised her we'd get to the bottom of it.

Detrick: Last night, I had a messed up dream. There was a guy in it. He was wearing a red poncho. He handed me a robe. And he said, Brother Detrick, don this. I didn't even know I knew what "don" meant. But I-- I donned it.
Mare: So you dream-joined the cult?
Detrick: I just don't think I should go. I'm too susceptible.

(About going to a farm to investigate if they are a cult)
Ned: I can go with you if Detrick can't.
Mare: Why? So you can be my bodyguard?
Ned: No. Because it's my favorite stall at the farmer's market. Love to see where they grow it all. If someone tries to hurt you, I will just let them.

Detrick: Don't drink the Kool-Aid, okay?
Mare: I won't.

Esmeralda: A few weeks ago, in the archive room, someone found a picture of Barry when he was 30, and he was very handsome. So that image stuck in my mind for several days. But then Barry did something very inappropriate, because when you think about a man that way, he knows that he can come into your dreams, and he can have his way with you. I am very sorry to say that Barry took that liberty. If it happened once, it would be okay, because I was willing. There was a mutual attraction. But then it happened every night! Like, Barry has come every night, unbidden, into my dreams, and he has had me. I have my needs, like everybody else, maybe more, but he is insatiable. And then the day after, I come into the office, and he pretends like nothing happened. How dares he?

Oscar: New comment on my South Pacific review at the Stranahan? "Do you get paid by the adverb over there? Write less pretentiously, a**hat."
Adelola: Oh, man. Gomudhens10 strikes again.

Adelola: (to the camera crew) Gomudhens10 is a troll on our website who pounces on us every time we make a tiny mistake and also includes some weirdly dated internet meme insult from 2012.
(The staff take turns reading the troll's comments)
Travis: "Wow, your third article about brook trout this week. It's amaze-balls how you refuse to broaden your scope."
Detrick: "Er-mer-gerd. Dangling modifier alert." I don't understand any of that.
Adam: (laughs) "Epic fact check fail." This is funny.

Marv: So you're saying this wasn't your idea?
Ken: Well, I mean, for the sake of gallantry, I would say it was my idea. But to be completely honest, I'm compelled to say that it was the idea of someone else. Named...Nicole Lee.
Marv: The girl from the newspaper?
Ken: She can be a forceful little madam.

Ken: We were, indeed, serving children ice cream that turned out to be toilet paper. Yeah, that's a good assessment.

Esmeralda: It's just that I think he's an incubus, like he is a sexual demon.
Nicole: Right. Hmm. Maybe that's something you should talk about with a professional.

Mare: K*ll, f*ck, marry everybody in the office?
Ned: I'd marry them all.
Mare: (SIGHS)
Ned: You?
Mare: F*ck Ken.
Ned: God.
Mare: And k*ll Ken.
Ned: Before or after?
Mare: (laughs) Same time.
Ned: Might be easier.

Ned: I hope I'm too smart to join a cult, but who knows? I fell for Blue Apron, so clearly there's a hole in my life, right?

Mare: (looking at a field while driving) Hey. sheep.
Ned: Oh, that one looks like Flossie. See that one?
Mare: Flossie?
Ned: Oh, my parents got me a pet lamb when I was 7.
Mare: Wait, but I thought you grew up in Cleveland Heights.
Ned: Yeah, we went to a petting zoo and I fell in love with this lamb, and I just begged my parents to get me one for the longest time, and I kept at it, and eventually they got me Flossie.
Mare: Wow. And Flossie was a live sheep.
Ned: A lamb, yes. And she was amazing. I loved her, but she was never fully housebroken. And so eventually, my dad sent her away to go live on a farm.
Mare: (laughs)
Ned: What?
Mare: I mean, there's like 300 unrelatable things about what you just said. First of all, that you were a young boy who desired a sheep. Then, your parents actually bought you one. Like, bought you a full-on live sheep, and now you think the poor thing lived to a ripe old age on a farmstead.
Ned: They sent photos.

Oscar: I wanna find them. I wanna find them and-- and grab them and just... Explain to them how funny it is, the whole scenario, how amusing it is to me. That's all. Because you can't-- But you can't because it's computers and it's internet, so you can't tell them 'cause you can't find them... -'cause there's no way--
Detrick: You can track down their IP address.
Oscar: IP address?
Detrick: Yeah, it's traceable.
Oscar: I can track them.
Travis: No, no, no, Oscar. Look at me, dude. Revenge is a very dark road and it can be surprisingly expensive.

Nicole: I never told you to rent an ice cream truck. I don't know if I've ever even spoken to you.
Ken: The important thing is Marv thinks it was your idea, so we are where we are.
Nicole: But...?
Ken: (reading an email from his phone) Does this ring a bell? "Dear Ken, my name is Nicole Lee. I would like to shadow you."
Nicole: I wrote that two years ago and you never responded.
Ken: This is me responding. Welcome aboard.

Nicole: I know what Ken's doing. He needs a scapegoat. But guess what? Goats climb fast.

Mare: (At a diner with Ned) Yeah, I think my dad took me to a pencil sharpener museum around here.

Ken: (appears in a polo shirt ands shorts) I don't believe in the exposed knee. Back home, we would call these the schoolmaster's delight. I swore off them for a reason.
Nicole: You look like the American half of a Ninety-Day Fiancée.
Ken: Should I do an American accent?
Nicole: I would like to hear that.
Ken: (in an American accent) I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese. I can do it better.
Nicole: Pretty good.

Travis: I'm at my limit with this coyness, Oscar. Just tell us who it is.
Oscar: Okay. The IP address Gomudhens10 can be traced to Suite 812, Anne Putnam's office.
Travis: Oh, my stars.
Detrick: Marv's assistant.
Adam: There's no way. Anne calls my kids cherubs.

Oscar: It makes perfect sense. I see it often in people over 50. They get trapped in the year that they join Facebook. It's as if the technology sends their brain into shock and their online personalities get frozen in time. So Anne is basically a snarky millennial trapped in the body of a boomer.

Mare: Any time I tried to ask a hard question, you got awkward and complimented a pumpkin.
Ned: They were legitimately huge.

Ned: At least you can tell your neighbor her son is safe.
Mare: They said he was selling zucchini in Canada?
Ned: Yeah. Sounds like he's really rising through the ranks. It's great.

Ken: Do you know what? When I decided to pin all of the blame on you, that was completely at random. But now I see everything happens for a reason.

Nicole: (on television doing Ken's interview) We were trying to make a product to help men and kids stay clean. But we failed you, Toledo. And we hope you give us the chance to make it up to you.
Interviewer: Thank you, Nicole Lee.
Nicole: And thank you, Toledo, for trusting us with your tushies.
Marv: (laughs) Tushies. Great job, Nicole.

Oscar: We traced your IP address. It's you. We know it's you. You know it's you, and you should be ashamed.
Travis: Well, you don't gotta yell at her, dude.
Oscar: Well, okay.
Ann: Oh, dear. Marv was right. Marv was right. He told me that I should set a password. And I always said, well, Marv, what for? I haven't had a secret since I was 30. Heh. And-- And he was-- he was right. I mean, I'm up and down from my desk all day long, running errands for Marv. And anybody could just sneak in here, and they could do whatever they wanted with my computer. I mean, they could do porn.

Ann: I do think that whoever that troll is, that they just want to hold the Truth Teller to a high standard of quality, that's all. Marv invests a lot of money in that paper. So we've got to make sure that it's awesome sauce.

Esmeralda: (After kissing Barry) You have been kissing on the 17th day of the month. I command you to forsake me! Set me free, set me free, set me free. The spell is broken. (walks away)
Barry: Okay, fine.

Notes and Trivia

The side of the Softees "Ice Cream" truck reads "By touching a cone I waive all legal claims or rights."

Mid-credits scene: Esmeralda kisses Barry in an attempt to remove his appearance in her dreams.

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common locations, such as opening credits montage locations, can be found here.