The Paper (NBC) Transcript

Ned:
When I was a kid,

I wanted to be Clark Kent,

saving the world,
by working at a newspaper.

- Have you read this paper?
- Uh-huh. It sucks.

- Mare: You-- [laughs]
- Ned: We are going
to make it better.

Why don't we talk after you
meet your new boss, though.

My name is Esmeralda Grand,
managing editor.

I'm also in charge of
TTT Online.

They hired me to be
the editor-in-chief.

- Mare: Above Esmeralda?
- Ned: Yeah.

Esmeralda:
Ned has c*ck DNA.
- [Ned gasps]

You try to smash it, but then
it doesn't die? That's Ned.

Outstanding print coverage,
Toledo Truth Teller.

Yeah!

Oh, my God! Thank you so much.

- Announcer: And the winner is
Mare Pritti.
- Oh, my God.

[screaming]

Oscar Martinez for Mr. Digit.

- [thuds]
- [all gasp]
- Ah, for-- g*dd*mn it.

- I think we need to break up.
- We aren't in that kind
of a relationship.

- I kind of was, though.
- [Nicole cries]

- You don't think
I wanna kiss you?
- I have no--

I wanna kiss you.
This would be the classic,

fastest way
to mess everything up.

God.

Oh, sh*t.

Ned:
What do you do
when you get everything

you ever wanted in one night?

You ask for more.

It's called momentum.

Two nights ago, we swept
the Ohio Journalism Awards.

And so now is the perfect time
to get what we need from Marv.

I have a wish list, right?
Of a hundred thousand dollars.

And today I am gonna get it.

- [horn honking]
- Woo, woo.

[gasps]
Oh.

- Hey. The light's red.
- All right.

The important thing
is picking the right moment...

- Driver: I'm talking to you,
you ginger f--
- ...to ask Marv.

My main man Gabe.

May I present to you
the award-winning staff

of the Toledo Truth Teller?

Oscar, tell the man
what you won for.

Oh, Mr. Digit.
Maybe you're familiar?

We are having
some celebratory drinks

this afternoon
at the Macaroni Barn.

Best ziti in that neighborhood.

For floor nine
from a Marv Putnam.

- Oh, my God,
Marv got us flowers.
- Oscar: Whoa.

I haven't gotten flowers
since prom.

sh**t.
I should have thought of that.

What's...
What's better than flowers?

- Edible arrangements?
Oh. [sighs]
- Balloons.

- [elevator bell dings]
- [Panic! At The Disco's
"High Hopes" playing]

Hold it up, hold it up.

Ha!

♪ Had to have high, high hopes
For a living ♪

♪ sh**ting for the stars when
I couldn't make a k*lling ♪

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
- ["High Hopes" continues]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Good God, Ned, turn that off!

- [song continues]
- ♪ Had to have high, high hopes
For a living ♪

- What's going on?
- Use your eyes, pal.

A man is dead.

- ["High Hopes" continues]
- Siri, turn down.

Siri: Playing "Turn Down for
What" by DJ Snake and Lil Jon.

- ["Turn Down for What" playing]
- No. Turn it off, turn it off.

- Ned!
- Siri, I-- Siri! Turn off!

- [phone beeps]
- [silence]

Who--? Who died?

Bill Patterson is dead.

- [Marv sniffs]
- [Office Worker cries]

One of the Softees guys.

One of the human beings you've
been working with for months.

- [Kimberly cries]
- [Ann sighs]

Bill!

Oh, no! Why?

[wailing dramatically]
Oh, Bill!

[sobs]

Who turned off the music?

[The Scrantones' "Song from
the Ninth Floor" playing]

[keyboard clacking]

Mare [chuckling]:
Yeah, it was a magical weekend.

Whoa, heh, magical?

Who am I, Minnie Mouse? Uh...

I just mean professionally.

I was excited for Sunday to end
and Monday to begin.

That's never happened before.

But, um, sad for Bill.

Whenever they make a sale,
the Softees guys

ring this gong
right behind Adelola.

- [gong rings]
- Oh! [gasps]

Bill was one of the ones
that loved to surprise you.

Bill loved to ring that gong.

I will think of him every time

I hear a loud surprising noise.

We could focus on this
last weekend and who won awards,

or who was tricked into drinking
more than she should have,

but I think that Marv wants us
to be focused on Bill.

- Do we know what happened?
- It sounds like it was a fire.

That's awful.

Poor Bill.
Bill, Bill, Bill.

Bill-- Bill was the one
with the birthmark, right?

No.

He's dead? Our Bill gone?

No, no, no.

[dramatically]
He's dead. Our Bill. Gone.

Yes, eccolo. Brava.

He's dead.

Our Bill.

Gone.

Marv, I just wanted to apologize

for the music
and dancing earlier.

- It's all right, buddy.
- I did not know. I didn't know.

- You were in shock.
- [sighs] Sweet Bill.

Where does the soul go,
I wonder?

I know the salary is
funneled back into the company

to be repurposed for the living,

who knows, maybe even some
to his beloved Truth Teller.

No, because that would be
spitting on his grave.

To be honest,
he had no respect for you, Ned.

- He thought you were all nerds.
- It's true.

Marv:
You know, uh, Esmeralda,

I was unaware that you and Bill
were so close?

Yes, we were.

Esmeralda made out once
with Bill.

In his car
outside the Macaroni Barn.

I don't think she made
eye contact with him after that.

Are you guys
able to continue today?

Of course.
The Truth must be told.

Even if it's difficult
or expensive.

Well, for me, I might
need paid leave. [sniffs]

Details can be discussed later.

But to be honest
I fear to be alone right now.

You know, look, I'm shaking.

- Marv: You're only human.
- Esmaralda: I can't.

- Marv: We're all
in this together.
- I can't. Yeah.

You know, we should write up
something nice for Bill.

- I mean, he really was
the best of us.
- Mmm.

You know what?

We can put it
on TTT Online immediately.

Instead of their worst night,
headline,

"He really was the best of us,
from Marv Putnam."

The headline's gonna read,
"from Marv Putnam"?

The most important part, yeah.

The biggest part. Shut up.

- That's great, Esmeralda.
- Yeah.

Maybe, Ned,
you can get your team together?

Write up something special.

You know,
something his family can frame.

- For Bill.
- For Bill.

- For Bill.
- For Bill.

[softly]
No, no, no.

That's-- It's--

[popping loudly]

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

- Marv: It's gonna be okay.
- It won't.

It's gonna be okay.

It's all right.

Ned, nice touch, bud.

Ken:
Bill will be sorely missed.

There is a huge void
around here.

If you could choose one person
to die on this floor,

- it would not be Bill.
- [sighs]

Purely in terms of earnings
and how much he'd be missed,

Alexander's gotta be
in the conversation.

But God has chosen to take Bill.

And you can't argue with God.
Al might be next.

So I've stepped up to
the plate, is what I've done.

In a sales capacity.

For Bill.

And he left some bloody
big shoes to fill.

[Ned sighs]

Is Bill's death really
a front page event, Ned?

Yes. Fragility of life.
It's universal.

It's the tightrope
we're all walking.

You could be m*rder*d tonight.

- Wow.
- Mm-hm.

It's usually someone you know.

- Ned: Hey.
- How's it going team?

Well, one of the boys

at the toilet paper company
died today, Marvin.

That's right, Barry.

Uh, Mare, could you shrink
the part about the awards down?

- No boasting today.
- Sure thing.

- Oh.
- More.

- Oh.
- More.

Smaller. A little more.

- [sighs]
- Smaller.

- Oh...
- Yep, that'll do.

Now bring it down
to the bottom. Yep.

- Are we sure?
- It's tone-deaf.

Now, who's working on the life
and death of Bill today?

- Uh... Nicole. Nicole's on it.
- Marv: I want them all on it.

Team, I want you to write

the best article
you've ever written.

Research the hell
out of our guy.

I wanna send him to Valhalla
with our words.

- Everyone, come on! Let's do it.
- Bill!

- For Bill! For Bill!
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- [mouths] Fart!

Where's Valhalla?

Hey, what's up?

[coughs]

I'm doing amazing.

Why?

So were you guys friends?

We were more like comrades.

We saw a lot of crazy sh*t
together.

- Selling toilet paper?
- Exactly.

- Did he have any hobbies?
- I think he liked to cook.

Every time I asked him
what he did over the weekend,

he was like "cooking"
or "I cooked"

or "I spent my time cooking."

It's kind of fitting
that he loved to cook,

and then he was cooked.

[tearfully]
Yeah.

[sobbing]

Detrick:
Was anyone else k*lled?

No. He was the only fatality.

The fire was limited
to that apartment.

Do you know if he like, warned
everybody else in the building?

Or I don't know, sacrificed
himself to save others?

- Anything heroic?
- No, no.

It looks like
he just panicked in there

and died like an animal.

You can see fingernail scratches
on the door.

Do you think he was in pain?

Yeah.

That guy sucked.

He showed his g*ns to my kids.

Well, maybe he was
a veteran, sir?

Neighbor:
Hey!

We keep our mouths shut
on this block.

Let me handle this.
Hey, what's up, OG.

- Look, we ain't trying
to get you to snitch.
- Move along, young brothers.

We're not the police.
I just wanna get--

I know you heard what I said.

- I think we should go.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, let's go.
- Sorry.

I'm about to ask Marv
for a $100,000,

and these are the best
quotes you could get?

You couldn't find anything
even remotely positive?

Ned, something
was really up with this guy.

Nah.
We did not get good vibes, man.

Well, what are we supposed
to write then?

That he showed g*ns to kids
and burned slowly in a fire?

Esmaralda:
Uh...

I didn't know how,
but now I know how.

Why, Ned?

- Insensitive.
- I-- I'm sorry.

So, what have we learned
about my Bill?

We've... We've learned a lot,
actually, Marv.

- It's gonna be great.
- Marv: Good.

Macaroni Barn's gonna be

a celebration of life
for Bill now.

What about our party,
for the Academy Award?

No, that's-that's a great idea.

It's very,
very appropriate, yes.

Nicole: We need to turn
the Victory Vermouth

into Bill on the Rocks then.

I'll make sure
there's no Fireball in it.

She's really on it.

Is your piece
gonna be ready in time?

- Yes. Yes, of course.
- Marv: Okay, good.

I am going to read it
out loud today at the memorial.

And Bill's sister and mother
are gonna be there.

Oh...

Great. Will do, sir.

It's gonna be the best summation
of a wonderful life ever.

Keep it up, guys.

Thank you.

Hey, uh, interesting Photoshop.

- [Mare laughs]
- Ned: Oh.

- Yeah, huh?
- This weekend
was pretty great, right?

Yeah, it was great.

I think everyone
had a good time.

Hey, could you gather everyone
in the conference room?

- We have to finish Bill's piece.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay, so everything
on this guy's

start paperwork
seems to be false.

His home phone number
starts with 5-5-5,

and he spelled Illinois wrong.

No, that's right.

But I'm not seeing
any school records.

At least not by the name
we knew him by.

I found this in his desk.

Do you think
he was in the army, Mare?

It's no U.S. branch
that I know of.

Wait, but you can see
his last name.

- Egorov.
- Ned: Egorov?

What military
has a skull as their insignia?

Travis: Okay, I just found
Bill Egorov's SoundCloud.

He has one song called
"Morphine and Ice Cream."

- [piano chord plays]
- Bill: I regret every moment

- that I let hate win
in my life.
- [piano chord plays]

I was judging people just by
the color of their skin.

- That's called being r*cist.
- [piano chord plays]

♪ And then I met
This beautiful girl ♪

- [piano chord plays]
- ♪ She was a Peruvian and she
Changed my whole world ♪

Travis,
can you please turn it off?

Not everybody
should have a creative outlet.

Okay, the flag they're holding?
It's the Wagner Group.

- It's mercenaries.
- What?

Who the hell is this guy?

[phone buzzing]

See?

Yeah. Hello?

Yes, we can be there
in 10 minutes. Great, thank you.

- Who was that?
- It's the morgue.
They have Bill's remains.

They said we could
come ask some questions.

- Mare, let's go.
- Sure. Love the morgue.

Oh, and also Travis.

Travis, you come too, buddy.

We'll take your truck.

I don't drive a truck.

I find that kind of offensive.

I drive a regular car,
it's small. Two doors.

The fire started at 1 a.m.
in his kitchen.

What was he cooking at 1 a.m.?

- A roast?
- For the homeless, maybe?

Show us the body, sir.
Let's see him.

- [sighs]
- Oh.

Bill.

Which end is which?

- My God, what's that long thing?
- Is that his p*nis?

Oh, no, his p*nis is long gone.

What we thought was Bill's p*nis
turned out to be his tailbone.

The p*nis
is actually quite fragile.

It's all sponge.

It's the first thing
to go up in a fire.

And Bill's bladder was
unfortunately full of alcohol.

So in this case,

his p*nis was almost like

the wick to a Molotov c*ck.

I've actually seen
a couple of cases like this.

Looks like he was working
with some type of accelerant.

Accelerant?
Well, he loved to cook.

Maybe he was trying
some sort of gourmet dish?

If you consider high-quality
meth a gourmet dish.

He was a [bleep] meth dealer?

- I mean...
- g*dd*mn it.

- [Travis sneezes]
- [remains scattering]

[sniffs]
Oh, man.

[exhales]

- [phone rings]
- Ken speaking.

No, Bill has, um, stepped out
momentarily.

So you are in my safe hands now.

How can I help you?

Right.

And what sort of quantity
for the order would that be?

Twenty grams?

You have correctly identified me

as being a man
from a metric country.

[sobbing]

Detrick: Yeah, I've been going
through it the last few days.

Just been ruminating
on the shortness of life.

But also, how long
it always feels

between breakfast and lunch.

Travis:
From what I've deduced,

I think Detrick
developed a little hole

in his love life
over the weekend.

And that is a hole
that I'm looking to fill.

I'm about to stuff myself
all up in there. Mm.

Um...

Platonically speaking,
of course.

Just with some
classic friendship.

[stammers]
Uh...

Could we do take two, actually?
Please?

- Pretty insane, huh?
- This sh*t is crazy, bro.

- Were you guys tight?
- No, not really.

- It's hard to be tight
with people you intimidate.
- [sighs] Mm.

Hey question for you,
after Macaroni Barn tonight,

do you want to go get
[bleep] up with me?

- It's a Monday.
- Exactly.

It's Margarita Mondays
at O'Shays.

Which means affordable liquor

and at least five fine-as-hell
urgent care nurses

who just got off shift
next door.

What do you think?

- Let's do it. Yup.
- You down? Bro.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Boys' night out?

- What's up?
- You got--
You got room for another boy?

- Um...
- I mean, it was maybe--

- We had planned--
- I can get the drinks.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Cool.
- Ned: Whoo.

- Travis: Yeah, raise the roof.
- Ned: Absolutely.

I didn't know Ned
liked margaritas that much.

Or the whole urgent care crowd.

It's just interesting,
that's all.

Right. So that is one 12-pack.

For the special price.

And how much is that again?

Bloody hell.

That's how much Bill
was charging for a 12-pack?

That's fantastic.

I knew Bill was all salesman,

but, uh, my goodness.

You can't teach that.
The up-charging on that.

Fantastic.

I'll say this,
I hope the angels

are watching their wallets
up there.

Because Bill
was an absolute shark.

What are we gonna do?
We have to get this out by 6.

I know. I'm just-- This is...

Oh, man. My head hurts.

I've got you, boss.

It's all right, Barry.

- [blowing forcefully]
- Oh.

- Relax.
- Oh, wow. It's--

- Relax.
- Oh, this feels amazing.

Okay. Ned.

- [moans]
- Ned?

Are we going to be able

to put the awards
on the front page?

Not that it's the only thing
I care about.

I just told my mom already.

At this point, absolutely not.

- Okay.
- Sorry.

Barry. I love you.

[sadly] It's kind of like
the awards night never happened.

[happily]
It's kind of like

the awards night never happened.

[laughs]

Marv: Esmeralda, thank you

for enlarging
this beautiful photo.

And I showed Bill's mom
what you posted.

So nice to see Bill
in that light.

No one ever spoke about him
that way.

I did. I did, mama.

So sorry for your loss.

I remember seeing Bill...

Ned's team runs
the Toledo Truth Teller.

They've worked up
a wonderful profile

on your Bill
that's gonna run tomorrow.

- Oh.
- I thought I'd have Ned read it,
if that's okay with you?

- [sighs]
- [sighs]

Maybe after Ned,
I could read my piece.

To headline.

And for closure.

Whatever you need.

Thank you.

Marv, could I have a moment?

- Sure.
- Nice to meet you.

Jesus on a merry-go-round!
The Wagner Group?

The headline on TTT

has me saying
he's the best guy I know.

- I can't believe this.
- Yeah, it's bad.

Hey, could the paper
have a hundred thousand dollars

- for overtime and new laptops?
- What?

No.

Ned, is this true?

- Yes, yes. Unfortunately, yes.
- [sighs]

Well, I don't know what to say.

I guess
I really can't pick them.

So I-- I shouldn't read it?

Ned, what's the name
of our paper?

All right.

Bill was a complicated man.

He kept to himself,
he sold toilet paper.

He loved to wear
the Enervate "E"

at our company
Christmas can drive

where he delighted
many children,

although he probably delighted
more teenagers...

because he also made
and distributed methamphetamine.

- What?
- [gasping, murmuring]
- Ned: What else?

He had 47 confirmed kills
as a mercenary.

I just verified that
with an old--

I wanna say army buddy of his.

Mm-hm.

He was a world traveler.

He traveled everywhere,
the Congo, Syria, Darfur.

That's our Bill.
Total piece of sh*t.

- Remember when he robbed...
- Hey, Esmeralda,

I think you said you wanted
to speak last, right?

- Yeah. But I might be good,
actually.
- Everybody!

Everybody, Bill's girlfriend,
Esmeralda.

You know her here.

She'd like to say
a few words about her boo.

- Esmaralda: Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Give it up for Esmeralda Grand, everybody.

[Adelola cheers
enthusiastically]

Allora, uh...

Yes, we are all here
to remember Bill, sure.

But let's not forget

the original purpose
of this celebration.

The many awards
for the Toledo Truth Teller!

Three awards!

- Let's have a round of applause.
- [applause]

[chuckles]

I really appreciate
all the hard work today, guys.

- Sure.
- It's good.

Mare, what did we end up
going with for the front page?

Mare:
There it is.

Ooh. Well, better than nothing.

- I guess.
- All right, 6 p.m.
Good work today.

Thank you very much.
I'll send that to the printers.

Sweet.

I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah.

- See you tomorrow, everybody!
- Good night, Ned.

- Night.
- Good night.

[sighs]

Mare:
Whoa.

What the [bleep]?

I can't believe
we got away with it all day.

We totally--
We totally fooled them.

- Yeah, you fooled everybody.
- You were so amazing.

At one point I thought
you were really scowling at me.

Mare: Well, yeah, you've barely
looked at me all day.

Ned: I know, I know.
It was such a long day.

But at least now we know
we can do it, right?

And at 6:01...

- off the clock.
- Okay. Okay.

But, um, just because
we have to keep this a secret,

doesn't mean you need
to keep it a secret from me.

- You didn't know?
- No.

Ned:
I thought you knew. I'm sorry.

You are a psychopath.

But I get it.

Okay, what are you
doing tonight?

Oh, you know what?

I'm chasing tail
with the fellas.

Just to provide cover for us,
so...

- Thank you?
- You're welcome.

Tomorrow night?

- No, I'm interviewing
the lottery lady.
- All right.

Okay. Well,
we can do the weekend maybe.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- I'll take you somewhere.
- Okay.

- Yeah?
- [giggles]

Please, um...

Forgive me for what
you're about to hear.

Okay.

[sighs]

Where are my MILF hunters at?

Mare:
Uh-oh.

Whoo!

Hey! You ready to get laid?

We're gonna put it
in some nurses?

I'm gonna have to call you
on that.

- Those nurses are heroes, okay?
- Absolutely.

- Be careful.
- I agree.

I support all our heroes

in and out of uniform.

Who wants to bang a coward?

[laughs]

- Three guys out on the town?
- I know.

- When was the last time
you guys were in love?
- Travis: Mm.

[The Scrantones' "Song from
the Ninth Floor" plays]

Oh, showtime.

Come on, Ken.

One 12-pack of toilet roll
for you.

And I wouldn't mind seeing
the $10,000, if you please.

- Pure.
- Pure, yep.

Pretty good. Two-ply, the best.

- It's uncut?
- Well, it's perforated,
which is useful.

But it's, uh, meth, right?

Meth...

amphetamine?

Yeah, cheerio then. Off we go.

Let's get you home, Ken.

[The Scrantones' "Song from
the Ninth Floor" resumes]