The Paper (NBC) Transcript

[phones ringing]

[Mare tapping key, sighs]

Ned: Anything?
Maybe my Internet's jammed.

- It's not jammed. Nothing yet.
- [groans]

We have to get out
the weekend edition.

We do this every Friday.

And right now,
we are waiting to hear

who's going to be the new leader

of the city's most powerful
union, the garbagemen.

Garbage people.

They're fine people.

We find out who won,
we slap it in,

and we can go start our weekend.

Whatever plans we might have.

God. Runoff!

Runoff?

No!

[sputters]
What the hell?

[Ned bangs table]

Must have big plans.

- Ned: No!
- Mare: Yeah. Big plans.

[The Scrantone's "Song From
The Ninth Floor" playing]

Hey everyone.

I, uh, realize you all wanna get
the weekend started.

I know that I, for one,
am very eager to hit the road.

What road are you hitting?

I am hitting the road
to my doctor.

He's a long way out of town,

so I have to stay overnight
at the hospital.

Oh, no. Are you okay?

No, I'm great.
It's just some tests

for a genetic predisposition
to some, uh,

potentially complicated...

- brain bleeds.
- [Nicole gasps]

- Adelola: Oh...
- Oscar: Ned.

- Oh, my God.
- You're dying.

It's actually not a big deal.

He told me that everyone has it.

Wait, what?

Ned:
I bring it up only because

I need to ask
for a couple of volunteers

to come in tomorrow,
just to very quickly

put out the results
of the runoff. Anyone?

That sounds like something
that Mare would do.

- I know, but I can't.
- Yes.

- I have a reunion.
- It's not reunion weekend.

[sighs]

- Army reunion, yeah.
- Yes.

Every four years we do this.

We head into the mountains
and just honor the fallen.

- Like Memorial Day?
- Yes, but the weekend.

Like Memorial Day Weekend.

Um...

It's just more specific
than that.

Every four years?
Weird interval.

Adam,
thank you for volunteering.

Honestly, you really think
Adam can handle that?

Uh-- You can help.

All you need to do

is drag this four-inch story

and drop it
into this box, okay?

Mare: I trust Adam and Adelola
to handle this.

Right? I mean,
it's literally just dragging

and dropping prewritten
articles into a--

- What?
- Okay. Promise you won't be mad.

So when you get the call
they'll say either Fiona Gabrini

or Joe White won
the Sanitation Union Election.

- Let's say Fiona Gabrini wins.
- Girl power, right?

Mm-hm.

Then you just drag this article

that says "Gabrini wins"
into that box.

- But if Joe White wins...
- White pow-- Never mind.

...then you drag this article
into that box.

- Got it, easy.
- All right, so just... So repeat
what you've just been told.

All right.
So if Farina Gaboinga wins,

you drag this right to here.

- [trash crumples]
- Mare: Uh-oh. Heh-heh.

It looks like we just dragged

the entire newspaper
into the trash.

- You know, I think
maybe I need to stay.
- No, no, no, no.

Your doctor
will be so disappointed

if you miss your appointment.

- Wait, you know his doctor?
- Yes.

She's got the same preexisting

genetic condition
that I have, so...

- Wow, are you guys related?
- Ned & Mare: No.

I checked.

So whatever we write here
just happens tomorrow?

Adelola. You're in charge.

Oh, I would
but my mom's visiting

from Nigeria this weekend.

She wants me to entertain her

and listen to her stories
from home.

If I'm here tomorrow,

I'm not gonna be able
to do any of that.

So... yes.

- I will be here.
- Love it. Have a good weekend.

- Thank you.
- I know what to do.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You heading out?
- Yeah. What's up?

Nothing. I was uh-- I was
thinking we can go get a drink

before you head to the mountain.

- Oh.
- Yeah, it's been a while.

♪ It's been awhile ♪

Staind.

Um... I'm sorry.

I'm going to visit my aunt
before I head up there.

Okay. What about next week?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Both laugh]

- I'll check my schedule. Okay.
- Great.

- Have fun with your aunt. Bye.
- Bye. Have fun.

Mare seems super into this aunt.

She did her hair and nails,
and she's wearing body butter.

- [knocks]
- Yeah?

Ken, don't forget
tomorrow morning.

- 8:30 at Rolf Park, okay?
- Ken: Mm...

I will be there with my ba*ls.

Soccer ba*ls.

Single entendre at work.

Matteo, my son,
plays soccer every Saturday,

but they never put him in.

He is a soccer genius.

But the problem is,
as always, the Americans,

they hate a strong woman.

Come on, guys! That way! Attack!

- Get off the field.
- Yes!

- Unbelievable.
- I know the rules.

How can I get through
to the male head coach?

For that you need a man,
and all I have is a Ken.

[alarm chirps]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey.

We're really doing this.

Uh-huh.

Starting tomorrow, no more work.

No more camera crew.

Just you and me.

- Oh, hey.
You wanna hear a rumor?
- Yeah.

They're saying that
"Weekend Ned" is really fun.

Wow...

- You wanna see a preview?
- Please.

Uh-oh. Where's the suede going?

- Oh, it's just one shoulder.
- Just a little bit.

- Whoo!
- Just a little bit of shoulder.

- Mare: Dang!
- Ned: Wow.

- This is really nice.
- Yeah, I know.

And I didn't even use points.

Or check to see how many
I was earning.

Wow. Throwing caution
to the wind, I love it.

Ken:
Let's go, let's go.

Love that. Okay.

This is fantastic.
This is more like it. Let's go!

- Esmeralda.
- Yes?

Who's that man you brought?

I hope that's not
a private coach.

You know the only adults allowed
are cohabitating guardians.

Of course I know, Janine.

That is Ken.
My live-in British lover.

[chuckles]

Me and Ezzie have been

in a relationship
for quite some time now.

- It's Esmeralda.
- Mm-hm.

- Cutie.
- Yes.

- Cutie.
- She hides me away.

Enough. You touch me too much.

- I told you to pretend.
- Okay.

Maybe this one round here.

- Where?
- In case they come back.

- Okay.
- That's it. A little lower.

Matteo: I'm not the only one
with a sad loser

who hangs around with his mom.

There's three or four others.

We call them "slugs."

At least Ken's British.
Some of them are worse.

Like Allan only has Chris.

Yeah, I raised him since
he was two, changed his diapers.

Uh... He calls me Chris
instead of Dad.

Hurts every time.

Hey! All right, pal. I saw that.

- Shut up, slug.
- Will do, pal.

Clean your car.

Pathetic.

- Adam: Guys, can you... [sighs]
- [giggling]

Maybe we can play
the clean-up game?

Oh, dude, why is your
entire family here?

- This is a place of work.
- Mrs. Olofin: Adelola.

Adelola:
Uh...

Hi, Mom.
What are you doing here?

I want to see
where my daughter works.

B-But remember, I told you
this place is a fortress,

and you can't get in
without an official pass and--

- H-How did you get in here?
- My friend, Nate.

I got you, auntie.

Somebody gotta do something
about these kids.

Been cleaning up all day.
This is the weekend.

- I asked for a quiet room.
I don't know...
- Hell of a view.

Ooh! There's trails?

Ned: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can, like, walk around...

- Mare: Go hiking.
- Ned: What did she say
the thing was?

Two, four...

That's eight.

God.

Ow.

- What is that?
- My God.

- Did you order food?
- No.

Hey. We didn't order any food.
This is Room 6.

- Come back later.
- Thank you.

- Come back-- Well-- Or not.
- [laughs]

[Mare laughs]

[camera whirring]

Okay.

- Shall we get the bags?
- No, no, no.

- Forget the bags.
- [laughs]

- It's nice, right?
- Crazy, nice.

Yeah.

[whirring]

Hello, camera people.

I've heard so much about this,

your documentary you are making
about my beautiful daughter

and her white underlings.

God is good.

- All the time.
- All the time.

Adelola Olofin's office.

Okay. Thank you.

Finally!

Jeremy Sukohovitz
won the runoff.

- Wait. He doesn't exist.
- He does exist.

He's a write-in candidate.

Okay, but there's no box
for that.

Whose is that?
You don't use one of those.

I don't know. I just found it
next to the janitor's cart.

[wheezing]

Okay, deep breath. Right.

Maybe I should just
drag Fiona in?

I practiced that one the most.

Oh! Okay, okay. We're just--
we're gonna put Joe in there.

He's a guy. And we can just say
that we got it mixed up later.

- Adam: Sure.
- Oh, God, we're screwed.

- God, now you're the Adam.
- [toddler cooing]

I'll make it smaller.
No one will notice.

- Not too small, though. God.
- [error chiming]
- Oh!

[phone ringing]

Ned: You know, I think
that's my phone. Sorry.

Mare:
Oh... Come on. That's mine.

- Just get it.
- I know, I know.

Oh, it's Adam.

- Ned: Hello?
- Only two options, you said.

- Well, there's
a write-in candidate.
- Adam, calm down.

- Jeremy Sukohovitz.
So now what?
- Adam? Adam?

- Is everything okay?
- Who is that?

Oh! That was, uh, my doctor.

Oh, God, Ned. I'm so sorry.
I forgot you're dying.

I'll call you later, all right?

It's like having kids,

but they're old,
and I don't love them.

I feel like they need our help.

- You know we have a hot tub?
- We do?

I love we're doing this
while they're panicking

about a stupid
write-in candidate.

I know.

Working Saturday is so lame.

Ned:
Seriously.

[Ned sighs]

It's weird that Fiona Gabrini
had the endorsement

of the Uniformed Sanitation
Men's Association--

- And still lost though, right?
- Yes, yes.

Maybe Joe White split the vote
because he wanted workman's comp

- to include lost wages.
- Oh, I bet that's it.

- You're so smart.
- Mmm.

We should probably
just work on this on Monday

- when we get back, right?
- Mm-hm. Unless...

SoWesley gets
to the story first

and prints it before Monday.

- You want me to call Adam?
- It could wait.

- It's my duty as editor.
- It can't hurt.

- Yeah.
- Right?

I'm gonna research Sukohovitz,

and I'll get
a couple inches on him.

All right, and I will talk
to a member and get a quote.

Yeah, and then I get
a couple inches.

Oh! I was gonna make "a couple
of inches" joke. Damn it.

- Too late.
- You're right.

- Okay.
- It's that robot.

- Shoo! Go away.
- Do you have your laptop?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Matteo's interested.

Let's go!
Finish your dinner!

Finish your dinner!

That's what I'm talking about!

- That is what I'm talking about!
- Yes!

- Yes!
- Not now, Ken.

- "Not now, Ken." Love that.
- No.

- Not now, Ken.
- Oh, my God, I'm so proud.

- Oh, yes.
- Not ever, Ken.

"Not ever, Ken." Love that.

Excuse me, Ref.
We have a serious issue.

You need to stop the game.

Oh, no, no, no.
This doesn't look good.

- Squeeze my a*s.
- What?

Squeeze my a*s. That's it.

- [whistle blows]
- Okay, a bit more.

- Bit more. Hello, sir.
- There's been a report

- of false guardianship.
- No.

What? Who squealed?
Because they squealed wrong.

The jig is up, Esmeralda.

She's jealous
because her husband left her.

And because me,
I have this piece of beef.

All right, ladies. I suggest

you take it up
with the Commissioner.

- He holds hearings at 4 p.m.
- At the courthouse?

- At the rec center.
- Yeah.

I'll be there.

I'll see you in court.

It'll be like
a normal work Zoom.

- You good?
- Mm-hm.

- Adelola: Hello.
- Adam: What are you wearing?

Uh... Inappropriate, Adam.
This is a work call.

Mare says she's joining us too.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, Mare.
Are you in the mountains?

- Yeah. Heh.
- Wow, how'd you get reception?

Is that Ned?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Hey, Marv.
What a wonderful surprise.

And Dan is also here.

Hey, nice robe. Looks soft.

Thank you. I'm at a hospital.
A well-funded rural hospital.

Oh. Trying out a new beauty
treatment? Pec implants?

- [chuckles]
- These guys were telling us
about the sanitation results.

What an upset. A write-in.
Who would've thought.

It's pretty strange. Uh...

We did a little digging
and found out

[echoing]
Fiona had quite a strong--

Mare? Can you try your sound?

- We're hearing
a slight echo here.
- Sorry.

One second.

Sorry. Is that better?

Okay, cool. Yeah,
so we traced the funds

of the write-in candidate to
a privatized recycling center.

[Ned inaudible]

Ned, you're on mute.

Sorry.

[echoing] I think that we--

Ned, now your sound
is messed up.

I think that I am too close
to an MRI machine.

I'm about to go in for surgery--

You know what?
Why don't we just send you

what we have
after we write it up?

Yes, yes. Good idea.

[Ned sighs]

Mare: What's wrong?
I mean, we sent the article.

Everything okay?

Ned:
Mm-hm.

Hello? Weekend Ned in there?

I'm sorry. I'm just a little...

I thought we wouldn't have
any distractions.

And I thought we were gonna
come away and be alone.

Mare:
Well, we are now.

Are you okay?

- Could you excuse me
for one second?
- Mare: Sure.

- Ned: One second.
- Mare: Yeah.

- I'll be back.
- Mm-hm.

We'll talk about this.

Hey.

Hey, hey, sorry, sorry.
Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Hey, hey, hey, listen.

Uh... Can we talk real quick?

Are you following us?

Come-- Hey! Hey, get over here.

Saw you in the woods
when we were in the hot tub.

You like peeping in windows,
you little freak?

I get filmed all week at work.

I don't need
some food delivery pervert

in India watching me too.

[grunting]

You're coming with me.

You wanna take a little swim?
Here we go.

You were asking for it.

[grunting, panting]

- Hey.
- You okay?

- Yeah.
- The s'mores got here,
but I didn't start.

- Looks good.
- You're a little out of breath.

- You good?
- Mm-hm.

Did you ever cross paths
with any robots in the military?

What kind of robots?

The kind that detonate IUDs.

- "IUDs"?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Hm.

No. I never ran into robots
that detonate IUDs.

- Okay.
- I'd like to.

I just caught one of those food
delivery robots spying on us

and I threw it into the river.

Wait. Are you serious?

Yeah.

I, uh, feel like

this isn't really
about the food robot, is it?

What's up?

I wasn't mad
about the distractions today.

I liked it.

'Cause it meant that we got
to work on the story together.

And now I feel guilty about it.

Okay.

Do you think we're better off
as friends?

I think that we don't need
weekend versions of ourselves.

'Cause I think that our weekday
versions are super cool.

Weekday Mare is like
my favorite person.

And I want our weekday versions
to have sex.

- Okay.
- That's what matters
to me most, and...

Thought you were, like,
ending this.

- Like--
- I can't--
- We having a good afternoon?

- Thank you.
Everything's been delicious.
- Thank you very much.

- It's been wonderful, thank you.
- Great, great, great.

So we did get a call
from our delivery robot company

that one of the units
has gone offline.

You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, would you?

Mm-mm. No. I've seen them
around, and I like them.

Let me show you something.

This is the last transmission
of the unit that went missing.

[inaudible]

You know, I didn't really
realize we'd be videotaped

without our permission
the entire time we were here.

Yeah. Um...

If you have any information,
we'd really appreciate it.

The delivery company is
really worried about her safety.

- Her?
- It says "Gloria" on the screen.

Hm.

Enjoy your fondue.

- We should go.
- Yeah.

Thanks, baby.

Shall we go back to the office?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- It's "IEDs" by the way.
- It's what?

IEDs.

- Oh, sh*t!
- [laughs]

Travis, hurry up.
What does your tutorial say?

I am watching an ad for
some pretty powerful deck stain.

What'd you want me
to look up again?

Ugh...

You look pretty.

- Thanks.
- Hope he's paying.

- What the hell?
- For dinner.

I'm assuming you're going
on a hot date.

Well, don't make assumptions.

Because I could just be
doing laundry.

- [gasps] Oscar.
- Oh!

Thank God somebody
competent is here.

- I came as fast as I could.
- Uh... What's wrong with you?

Oh, I already took my Saturday
afternoon nap-time sleepy blend.

So I've got about 20 minutes,
then I will be down

for, uh, two hours.

- Come here, we need you.
- Um-- Okay.

- Go to the toolbar.
- Toolbar. Alright.

Then go to format.

- Yes.
- Format. [gasps]

- Something's happening. Okay.
- Yeah?

- And then?
- Then fit it to margin.

- Fit to margin.
- We're losing him.

- Hello?
- Almost there, come on.

[singing Spanish lullaby]

- Are those instructions?
- Anybody speak Spanish?

Oscar?

- Adam: And he's gone.
- Adelola: Crap.

All right, well,
Oscar said "fit to margin."

- What would happen after
fit to margin?
- Maybe reset?

Reset? That's gonna start it
all over again.

- Hey, you guys.
- Oh, thank God.

- What's going on?
- Thank you.

- Bye.
- Hey, you had to leave
your aunt's early.

- What a shame.
- Yeah, but she understood.

Good.

She's supposed to be
on the mountain

with her army buddies, remember?

- [elevator dings]
- The aunt was yesterday's lie.

Janine:
There. See.

He touches her back,
and she jumps

like he was a mountain lion.

This is not a real couple.

Um-- If I may, Your Honor.

Mutual disgust is a game we play
to keep the home fires burning.

- [giggling]
- Prove it.

- Kiss each other.
- What?

- Where?
- Prove your love.

Kiss.

That can't be allowed.

I'll allow it.

He's allowed it.

Give the people what they want.

[chuckles]

- Mmm.
- [chuckles]

Ken:
Could me and Esmeralda work?

We have a certain frisson.

Uh-- A spicy Italian ragout,

mixed with a British
chicken tikka masala.

Now, that may not
sound appetizing,

but if you eat enough of it,
your stomach starts to adapt.

And maybe we could be a family.

Me, Ezzie, and little Matteo.

[shutter clicks]

Look.

She put her hand over his mouth.

There's lipstick
on the back of her hand.

- Look, I mean...
- Judge: A sham relationship.

That's it, Blue Devils
lose five points.

Oh, no. Please, please,
Mr. Commissioner.

Ken: You can fake
a lot of things in life.

But you can't fake passion.

You either have it
or you don't.

And now, Esmeralda,
she has it in spades.

For me.

And the crazy thing is, I don't.

There is a certain satisfaction

that you can get
when you work with someone,

and you may mistake that
for love.

But in actual fact,

it's just that
you're working with someone.

But that can be good too.

- [sighs] You got it?
- Yeah, totally.

- Get out of here.
- Cool.

[sighs]

- I'm sorry the weekend
didn't work out.
- Oh.

- Maybe next time.
- Yeah.

- Right? Yeah.
- Mm-hm.

- I'll see you Monday.
- Yeah, see you Monday.

[elevator dings]

Sorry,
you guys don't have to stay.

I can close up.

Thanks.

[elevator dings]

[elevator doors slide open]

Hey.

Ned:
Hey.

I couldn't go.

[The Scrantone's "Song From
the Ninth Floor" plays]