The Paper (NBC) Transcript

[elevator bell dings]

[doors open]

[pushes button]

Ken:
Hold up!

Yeah, how--? Smooth as an eel.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Something smells nice.

What is this? "Polish Gals"?
Yeah.

The best sausage sandwich
in Lucas County.

Are we celebrating?

- Might be.
- Might be.

- Something to do
with the billboard?
- Could be.

- Oh, it's a lovely billboard.
- It certainly is.

Ned: I tried to talk Marv
into putting up a billboard

congratulating us
on the awards, and he did it.

And we've got the number
for new subscriptions up there,

so-so...

Oh, man.
She's calling right now.

I feel like
I'm in Times Square!

[Ned whoops]

Apparently, though...

- Yes?
- It's backfired. Badly.

Marv put the number for
subscriptions on the billboard.

So people who forgot
to cancel their subscriptions,

have been phoning,
in droves, to cancel.

- [elevator bell dings]
- Oh, here I am.

Oh-- Ned? Word to the wise.

Marv would hate to do it,

but just purely
in terms of making savings,

he might cut a couple of pages
from the paper.

[Ken groans]

Aerobics Instructor:
We got this.

[The Scrantone's "Song
From The Ninth Floor" playing]

[inhales deeply, sighs]

Ned:
Guys, a recent horrible irony

has caused us
to lose subscribers.

We need more
award-winning stories.

So please. Come on.
Ideas, please.

You can't have great ideas
every single day.

- Take Mr. Digit.
- Oh, my God.

No. Now, that germinated
for a long time.

Yeah, Toledo isn't big enough
for great news

- to happen every single day.
- You're so right, Nicole.

Our readers out there,
they're punishing us

by not being interesting,
even to themselves.

Uh... We could put high school
sports on the front page.

- Desperate.
- All right.

Do you know the show
Is It Cake?

Where people make cakes
that are so lifelike

that you can't tell them apart
from real things.

Yes.

We say that

we are doing that
with the paper.

If they bite into it,
they have to buy it.

- That's actually a good idea.
- [laughs] Yeah.

Not what you said.
I was talking to myself.

We start a crusade.

We create a journalistic
crusade, right?

We pick an issue, and we just
hammer away at it every day

from every different angle,
like noble knights.

- [sighing] Oh...
- Sorry. Devil's advocate.

Isn't that kind of
yellow journalism?

Making news
instead of reporting it?

I mean, who are you? The next
William Randolph Hearst?

No, no. Hearst played
fast and loose with the truth.

The only thing he had
good taste in was women.

His mistress, Marion Davies,

was one of
the coolest women ever.

Probably cooler than any woman
of today, it sounds like.

No, I know someone
as cool as her.

It's just Marion had
a certain sort of a quality

that has never been duplicated.

She could be gritty, plucky,
witty, alluring, beautiful.

She was a piece of a*s too.

Yeah, okay.
She was old-timey hot at best.

She's like what pretty was

- before the polio vaccine
and sunblock.
- Ned: No.

She just came from a time when
sexuality was more restrained.

Mare:
That was a little weird.

Whoever ends up with Ned
is a lucky girl.

Because it looks like
his hall pass died in 1936.

Just picture Ned with this
old lady of his dreams,

lifting her skirt,

then finding another skirt
under that.

[shuddering] Ooh...!
Another layer.

[moaning]

[laughs]

[snorting]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just do that in here to get
the mockery out of my system.

...and then there is
another skirt.

And then there
is another skirt.

- Oh, Marion. So many layers.
- [laughter]

I don't even know
what I'm looking for.

- [laughter]
- Yeah.

- I feel better now.
- Yes, very funny.
That's very funny.

Let's get back to the crusade,
okay? Let's think big.

What about a crusade
against injustice?

- Ned: Mm-hm. That's a bit vague.
- [groaning]

Mare: What about something
a little more specific?

Like, I don't know. Potholes?

- Potholes. Yes, I like that.
- Adelola: Ooh, yeah.

Potholes is good.

Love that. Love potholes.

Because everyone cares
about potholes. Right guys?

You know, there's a huge one
near where I live.

It's so big it looks infected.

- Why don't we check it out?
- Yeah.

- Great. Let's do it.
- Cool.

- What are we checking out?
- Mare's pothole.

- It's infected.
- I realized I have
a meeting right now.

- Let's pick it up in like
half an hour.
- Sweet.

- Cleared mine right up.
- Oh, thank you.

Ned: I just, uh, remembered
from your training session

that if anything happens
romantically, uh, at work,

- that I have to report it.
- Yes.

Yes, that's right.
You have to report it to me.

You have to tell me all
the details of what happened.

- It's my job to listen
and to hear all the details.
- Okay.

So don't skip any.

All right, um, well, uh,
I have started

what I think might be
a relationship, uh,

recently with, um,
someone who works beneath me.

- Oh my God.
- Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

- That's insane. Okay. Um...
- I know.

- Was it consensual?
I have to ask.
- Yes, very consensual.

Says it was consensual.
Awesome.

I'm so happy for you.
Does she have a name?

Mare.

Is that the Chinese one?

No. She is, uh, white.
White lady, blonde hair.

- Oh, oh, oh. Yes!
- She's got blue eyes.

I know who you're talking about.
I can see it in my mind's eye.

- She doesn't know that I'm here,
though, so...
- Oh...

Why? What now, she's
threatening you? Is she crazy?

'Cause she-- she is the one that
was in the military, right?

Or the army, was it?
'Cause she could be violent.

A lot of those people
have concealed weapons

and they wear it
around their ankle

so you would never know
it's a woman with a g*n.

It's not really a case of being
worried about her behavior.

I think everything
is-is-is good there.

But i-if I'm being honest,

I worry that we both love
what we do,

but what if we don't have
enough in common beyond that?

We have
very different backgrounds

and different tastes and--
Could this be a mistake

if we don't actually share
those things?

Anything you wanna know?
You can look, if you want.

- Uh-- no-- I'm--
- That's employment history, allergies.

Hey, don't give that girl
any eggplant.

- Except for that eggplant.
- Ugh.

I thought that maybe you could
put it in your secure file

that I came in and told you and
that everything's above board.

Just so Mare and I are both,
you know, protected.

Okay. Above board,
I'll put it everywhere.

- [both chuckling]
- No, I really--
I'll write it down later.

But, okay.
Come back and let me know

how it progresses
and what happens and...

If and when you guys
have sex and how it is,

and what is the positions
or whatever.

- There's--
- Do I need to tell you that?

Oh! No, not officially.

I just mean as friends.
How friends go,

"We did it doggy,
and we did it regular,

and we did it front
facing," or...

If you want. I think it'd be
fun, come hang out with me.

I feel like we never hang.

We actually started
front facing.

Good, that's romantic.

We're the only mammals
that do that.

- Is that true?
- Mm-hm.

Yeah, I've never done it
that way, but...

I need to bring Oscar
down below for a quick word

with the all powerful
lord of darkness.

I'm talking about Marv,
but, um...

Adam believes that Satan
is actually real,

and it's fun to trigger him.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Oscar, no.

Oscar, Enervate would like

to buy Mr. Digit
to run in our other newspapers.

I think we will both find
this very lucrative.

As one man to another,

do you think lake boats
are worth the trouble?

I do love to float.

[chuckles]
How does $10,000 sound?

- Monthly?
- As the full amount.

Okay, so not boat money.

I think it's
an interesting first step

in what is sure to be
a lively negotiation.

And I do love to haggle.

The dance of it.

So I will see you later
at the ball.

[car doors close]

[Mare chuckles]

- Hey.
- Ah...

Phil.

You're coming along.
That's great.

It's important to document.

[seatbelt clicks]

[Ned clears throat]

Bro, this piece.
The one you did yesterday.

"Construction workers building
a factory for automated labor."

- That's fire.
- Thank you, man.
I appreciate it.

How are you able to talk to
so many people that work there?

Usually I can get maybe,
like, one good quote.

So, like, what's your technique
to get people to talk?

So basically it starts
with a look, right? Eye contact.

And then we enter a flow state
of conversation.

- Hm...
- Just talking. And then, uh...

Nah, nah.
I-I'm making up quotes, man.

- What?
- Hey! No screaming, please.

People are working here.

I hate getting quotes. You got
to steer the conversation

so people say this one thing
you want them to say.

It's disgusting. It's
manipulation. I won't do it.

You can't make up quotes.
You wanna get fired?

[sighs]
Man. I don't deserve this.

Don't stress, man. We'll figure
it out. I'm gonna help you out.

- Yeah? Okay.
- Yeah, we'll work on it.

- Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
- [laughs] Right?

Can't you see this
on the front page?

It's just so huge
and infuriating.

Totally. It's like--
It's like a meteor hit.

Don't fall in there.
You might end up in China.

Yes. Or, like, how deep
is your pothole?

Or we could, like,
run a whole thing

where we hammer away
at it for months.

- Yeah.
- Like "Pothole Watch."
You know? "Day 26." I...

- What's going on?
Whoa, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right.

I threw out my breakfast.

My blood sugar's dipping
a little bit.

Okay. Um...

Is there something good
around here I could get...?

I'm sorry. There's
literally nothing, but...

I mean, my apartment's
right up there.

I have, like, five quarts
of curry I made last night.

We can go have a break
and have lunch.

Uh-huh.

Oh, come on, you guys can find
a place to go, right?

It's all right.

- Lunch with the doc crew.
- Yeah.

- At Mare's. Work lunch.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Let's go.
- Okay. Let's go.

Perry:
...hard to measure the value

financially of what a newspaper...

I'm on with Perry Kronk,

Wall Street Journal
crossword editor.

Perry:
It depends on a lot of factors,

but an award-winning
syndicate game

can range from
a few hundred bucks

all the way to two million.

- Really? Is that so?
- [mouthing] Oh, my God!

Perry: Let me check some stats
to see the latest trends in...

No. Marv, I am so sorry.

I don't know
what's gotten into Oscar.

Oscar:
I did my homework, Marv.

And I'm willing
to sell Mr. Digit

to Enervate
for $1.2 million.

What do you think of me now?

- Okay, Oscar, I'll consider it.
- Okay.

Here we are.

Should be...

Bolt's kind of stuck.

The lock doesn't work.

Super's supposed to fix it.

- Homey.
- Um... Act-- Sorry.

Can you guys wait out here
for a second?

I just wanna tidy up.
One second.

Oh--

- [clattering, vacuuming]
- Mare: Ow!

- Need a hand? All right.
- Nope! All good.

Hey, could I get a snack
or something to tide me over?

- I'm kind of a little bit
queasy here.
- Yeah.

Yeah?

Hi.

- Well...
- Hey.

- You know Oscar's
little Mr. Digit?
- Yes.

Well, that little worm
never reminded me

to force him to sign a contract.

- So now he's milking Marv
for 1.2 million.
- No.

Yeah. When really it should be
us who's milking Marv.

Totally. We are the milkers.

- So how do we milk?
- Well, we create our own game.

We come in a few bucks cheaper.

- Oh...
- We are both very creative.
This will be easy.

- Oh... Child's play.
- I'm a child, you know.

Mmm... Sort of.

This is it. Sorry for the mess.

Wow! I've always wanted
to sit in one of these. Can I?

- Oh, please.
- What do I do? Pull this?

You better. Yeah.

- Oh, man.
- [laughing]

- That was my granny's La-Z-Boy.
- Oh, that's nice.

She died in it.

Cool.

Okay. I'll go heat up
some curry.

- Don't snoop.
- I won't.

Oh, my God, is that you?

- [trap snaps]
- Ned: Aah!

- What was that?
- Nothing.

- You okay?
- Yep.

[winces]

You read all these books?

- Mare: Most of them.
- Uh-huh.

Cool.

[rattling]

What's in this box?
Is it a secret?

No, no, no, don't touch that.
Don't touch that.

No, no, no, that's my g*n.

- What?
- That's my g*n.

- Don't touch that.
- Okay.

Ah...

This is it, it's the place
that scammed my niece.

"The Jurassic Immersive
Experience Park,

where science and fun meet
without refunds."

- No, this is sketchy, man.
- Exactly.

- Sketchy.
- Let's get out of sight.

- So we're gonna write an article
and expose this scam.
- Okay.

- I need you to go inside...
- Yeah?

- ...get some quotes.
- You mean like, by myself?

- I thought we were gonna be
a team, dude.
- Yeah.

You would lie and deceive,
and I would watch,

- and just try to be okay--
- No, no, no.

You can do this.

Can't believe this
is happening.

Citizen Kane. Yes.

Oh, yeah, no. My dad
is big into physical media.

Gave me all these VHS tapes
and a tape player.

Nice.

Xanadu!

I don't...

Have you've not seen
Citizen Kane?

Never seen it.

- We should watch it.
- Sure.

As research for William
Randolph Hearst.

Yes. Yes, that would be great.

- Mm-hm.
- Yeah.

I am thinking of a game.

- Good on you.
- And the game is...

Here it comes.

- I lost it.
- Wall framed pictures.

Ceiling tiles, smoke alarm.

Chair. Too much makeup.

- Don't look at me for ideas.
- Go on then. Slap me.

- What?
- Slap me.

Let's jar something loose.

- I like that.
- Mm-hm.

Ay! Yes! Wow.

Number slaps. Number bungalow.

Number wack-a. Number thack-a.

Number. Number. Number Dash.
Number Dash.

Oh, my gosh. I like that.
Number Dash.

- We made it. Number Dash.
- Number Dash.

[phone chimes]

There are 45 other
Number Dashes already out there.

Come on, Kenneth. Think, man!

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Mmm...

- Yeah?
- That is delicious.

- Oh, good. Good.
- Thank you.

Wow!

[Mare laughs]

Wow.

I'm in. Confirm visual.

Yep, I can see you.

Tuck your phone
in your jacket pocket

so the camera's facing out.

Walk and see
who you can talk to.

I'm right there with you.

This is pretty underwhelming,
man.

You see this, right?
Dinosaur with the giant teeth?

That's not realistic even.

- Terrible, man.
- Yeah, it is.

No effort.

Wait, what's happening?
I lost visual.

I'm just getting
a couple pics.

Hey. It's 20 bucks
to ride the dinosaur.

This place sucks.

Whoo. Is there
cayenne pepper in this?

- It's hot in here, right?
- Mm.

- It's a little hot.
- Yeah. All good. I, um...

- I like it. It's delicious.
- The heat in this building
is so janky.

I'm gonna get the super.
I know he's--

I do this literally
all the time.

- Okay. Thank you.
- [door opens, closes]

[sighs]

- Hey.
- I'm Jeff.

Hey. How's it going? I'm Ned.
Uh-- Radiator's over there.

Yeah, it is. I see it.

Uh... That's the refrigerator,
Jeff.

I think the fridge is fine.

How's the curry?

Yeah.

- [chuckles]
- [bottle opens]

Maybe you can have some
when you're done.

- With my beer?
- With your work.

Maybe don't drink
other people's beers, buddy.

Seriously, how many have
you had today?

Excuse me?

I don't know,
it just keeps, like, clanging.

- Dad.
- Dad?

It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.

I'm Ned. Mare's, uh...

boss.

Esmaralda: Hi, Marv.

Ken: Hello, Marv.

Now.

Uh-huh.

Marv:
"Señor Number."

Why not numero?

Well, we thought it had
broader appeal this way.

- Yeah.
- Something for everybody.

But you're absolutely right.

Go hard or go home,
it should be numero.

Well, it feels to me--

And I hate to use this term,
but, uh, r*cist.

How so exactly?
I'm not seeing it, Marv.

Well, see, what we have here
is Mr. Digit by Oscar Martinez.

- Yes.
- And then we have
a very similar concept,

"Señor Number"
and he has on a sombrero.

- Ken: Yeah.
- A big mustache.

- Mm-hm.
- I mean, I wouldn't say
racism per se.

I mean, racism, on the whole
is supposed to be negative.

And this is more
sort of pandering.

- Mm.
- Exactly, exactly.

We are showing respect
for this culture

by bothering
to trick them into liking this.

- Pass.
- Yeah, it's a pass.

That's a hard pass, I'm afraid.

That's awful.

You can't do--

In this day and age,
you can't really do that.

I'm-- I'm so sorry, I just--
I thought you were him.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

I'm sure you were just on edge,

having to defend
a woman's fridge.

You can always blame it
on the "mleh" curry.

Hey.

Citizen Kane.
Such a classic, right? Rosebud.

So...

See you later, slugger.

Love you.

[Mare sighs]

Nice to meet you.

[door opens, closes]

All right. See that guy?
I want you to go over to him.

I want you to talk to him, okay?

I want you to get him to say,

"This is not
an acceptable museum."

Okay. But I don't think
he's gonna wanna say that.

Hey, man. That's an awesome
dinosaur mask you got on.

I'm really excited
to talk to you.

Bro, what are you doing?
That was a great opening.

That was
the most pathetic thing

I've ever seen
in my entire life.

You got me out here
without a parachute, man.

What are you doing to me?
Jeez.

Travis. Travis.

- Tr--
- [call ends]

Ned:
If I was acting weird...

- I've never met a dad before.
- I could strangle him.

Ned: My college girlfriend
had two moms.

Mare: It's all I talk about
in therapy.

We are so codependent.

Ned: I was gonna watch Roseanne
to prepare.

- That's really sweet.
- I know.

[sighs]

- Mare: Look.
- Ned: What?

- Those b*stards.
They filled it in.
- Yeah.

- It's filled in.
- And they did a good job.

Well, there goes the crusade.

- You misspoke how?
- Perry: I did
a bit more research.

The market is saturated
with sudoku puzzles.

Technically, Mr. Digit is not--

You're looking at the lower end
of my previous estimate.

So like 500k?

[scoffs]
Like a few free weekends

at a Courtyard Marriott.

- All right.
- The market--

[phone rings]

Mr. Putnam.

Marv. I love this company.

And you've been a very good
partner to me and Mr. Digit.

So... [sighs]
let's just call it 500k.

I know I'm leaving money
on the table,

but I'd rather sleep at night.

I hear you, I hear you.


for friends.





You pay me, good sir, or I'm...

- 25k.
- Done.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Oscar.

You're good.

Oscar:
All right then.

Ned: Cool. You live
right next to a park.

No, no, that's
the Glass Club golf course.

Nearest park's,
like, 20 minutes away.

Ned:
There must be hundreds of acres.

- That's all private?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, yeah. I think they'd
try and tackle any non-member

who tried to use it.

That's ridiculous.
It's so unfair.

Mare: Glass Club bought


and pay zero property taxes.

I think we've found
a new crusade.

[The Scrantone's "Song
From The Ninth Floor" plays]

Ned:
Released in 1941, Citizen Kane

tops every critic's list
for greatest film ever made.

Feast your eyes.

Travis:
What are we watching, guys?

- What do you guys want?
- Ned: Oh, great.

Sorry, chief. Couldn't find
anybody to go on record.

Oh. Oh, but this
picture's amazing.

- Yeah, this is--
- Can I see?

This is great.

- Mare: Hey.
- Ned: Good job, guys.

Well, um, I'm so glad
you like it,

but I will now be resigning

as a reportorial-style
journalist,

effective immediately
for moral reasons.

Here's my press pass, homemade.

Thought I took that already.

Yeah, well
they're pretty easy to make.

I mean, Ned, it's pretty great.

Yeah. I don't wanna lose you
from the team, Travis.

Would you consider staying on
and taking photos?

I think you would make
a great photojournalist

for the paper.

Yes. I accept.

- Yeah.
- Yes? Fantastic.

Thank you. Take that from you.

Okay.
We will miss your articles.

No one on the team
got better quotes.

That's right.
Okay, see you guys.

Please tell me you're not gonna
watch me the entire time.

- [Mare laughs]
- No.

Our good old friend
William Randolph Hearst,

he ordered all of his newspapers

to pretend
that this didn't exist.

- Really? Dang.
- Mm-hm.

Jeff: Come on slugger,
nice and loud.

- Oh, my God. No. No, no, no.
- [Young Mare singing]

[laughing]
You don't wanna watch this.

I-I absolutely do.

- That's me.
- Wow.

I can't believe
my dad taped over

an American classic for this.

I... I can believe it.

♪ Consider yourself well in ♪

I think your dad
made the right choice.

This is perfect.

♪ There isn't a lot to spare ♪

♪ Who cares ♪

♪ Whatever we got we share ♪