The Paper (NBC) Transcript

Matteo, my son,
he loves Halloween,

and we were told we must see the
haunted house on Rose Street.

- Ready? Okay.
- Yeah.

Esmeralda: I took him,
and it was the worst

haunted house in Toledo,
if not the entire planet.

Okay.

Nothing was scary.

Nothing.

"Evacuation plan."
Get ready to run away.

- "Slippery when wet."
- [door closes]

Oh, look, the giant. A giant.

There was one jump scare
in the evil vegetarian kitchen.

- [knife chops]
- Aah!

But at least they saved
the best for last.

Oh, finally.
Frankenstein's laboratory.

Are you ready for this?

Yeah!

Hey!

They couldn't afford
the costume,

so they put
Frankenstein in a tub.

Scary? Not.

But more nudity
than I expected.

He was stitched together
from dead people.

Triple bypass.

Matteo is a genius.

He put it perfectly.

"Mom, this is
the halfway house."

I said, "Amore, yes, halfway
between scary and a rip-off."

In fact, I decided
to write a review.

"What to Fear at the Haunted
House on Rose Street?

Nothing."

- Hey, B.
- Huh?

Can you please
clean it up for me

- and put it online? Thank you.
- Mm-hm.

Esmeralda's a good writer,

but she makes spelling mistakes,
coming from Norway.

All right.
This baby's ready to go.

[The Scrantone's "Song
From The Ninth Floor" playing]

- Just a little drop will do.
- [phone buzzing]

Oh, my God. Detrick! Travis!

The cop from the bar just wrote
back. My office, ASAP.

Ned: Last week we went out
for margaritas

and urgent care nurses,

but I found something
even better.

A cop.

So I said to him,

"We should hang out sometime."

And he just got back,
"How's today?"

- Mmm.
- So, what do I say?

- How about yes?
- Do you wanna hang out?

Yes. We desperately need
a source at the police station.

But it's just happening so fast.
I don't know how to... Um...

All right,
I'm just gonna say yes. Yes.

Or no.
Maybe I just like his text?

- Yeah.
- He can't hear this.

- No.
- Can he?

- Okay.
- I don't think so.

Well, "Sick, dude."

- Perfect.
- And crying-eyes emoji.

- No? No?
- No, no, no, lose the emoji.
No emoji.

- No emoji.
- Why?

People love emojis, I thought.

- Well, I don't think cops
love emojis.
- [Ned sighs]

You gotta text with your ba*ls,
Ned. Just do it sloppy.

Oh, uh, yeah.

- "Maybe a ride-along
or some sh*t."
- Yeah.

- Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
- Sloppy.

- Yeah?
- He's typing.

- Typing.
- Typing.

"Did you go to college?"

Too sloppy.

sh**t. Yup.

I'm just busy.
I just say I'm busy.

- Just be honest.
- Sent.

- Okay. Okay.
- Mm-hm.
- And now?

- "g*n range in one hour."
- Nice.

- Ooh!
- Okay. There you go.
- There you go.

Sweet. "Okay to bring my crew?"

- Yes, yes?
- Travis: You want us to come?

- Yeah if you would like. Yes.
- Sure.

- Thumbs up. [laughing] Oh!
- Nice, man.

Good job, Ned.

It is a date. Heart eyes.

- No, no, no.
- No?

No. No.

Hey, guys.
Don't forget ear plugs.

[imitating g*nf*re]

- Hey, I'm coming too.
- Awesome.

People aren't going
to sh**t g*ns

during work hours without me.

Nicole: I still don't know
why Mare lied last week.

You'd only lie
to your best friend

if you didn't wanna hurt
their feelings

or if you recently
became addicted to drugs.

- Hey, dork.
- Hey.

Yesterday, I found a coffee can
under your car.

Guess what was in it?
A thousand dollars.

- No way. That's amazing.
- Yeah.

It's free money.
You can have 500.

No, Nicole,
that's your money.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

You can spend it on anything.
Nobody would know.

Uh, no thanks. Look, can we talk
about this later? I gotta go.

- Later, dork. Bye.
- Bye. Hey, Trav?

- Pew!
- I'm obviously relieved

she doesn't have a drug problem.
[chuckles]

But since there's only one
other thing

she would keep
secret from me,

I think it's pretty obvious
what's happening.

Mare has a new best friend.

I wonder who she could be.

All right, remember,
the paper needs the police.

We need them. We feed off
their tips like a parasitic...

What's more noble
than a parasitic worm?

- An eagle?
- Yes. Like parasitic eagles.

So I will be saying
certain things to them

to make sure that they like us.

So just play along.

[Ned breathes deeply]

- Using notes.
- Budweiser.

Perps.

Three fifty-seven.

Coors. Coors.

Oh, they got snacks.

Jalapeño garbage pail fries
with monkey sauce. Ew.

- I bet they use seed oils.
- Ned: Oh, that reminds me.

There is a brutal takedown
of Guy Fieri's restaurant

in the New York Times.
It is an iconic review.

- Coors. Coors.
Buffalo Wild Wings.
- Hey, Ned.

Hey. Hank. How you doing?

- Good.
- Good to see you.

This here is Detrick,
this is Travis.

This little shorty here
is Mare. She's cool.

- This your first time, Mare?
- Hell, no.

Three years
in the 68th Armored.

- Oh-h*-h*! Wow.
- Wow.

Thanks for your service.

Mare here has popped more caps
than a milliner.

- Jesus, Ned.
- It's a hat-maker.

You guys want some snacks?

You gotta try
the garbage pail fries.

Do you know
if they use seed oil?

- Shut up, Lisa. Ha-ha.
- Ow! sh*t.

Garbage pail's right here,
am I right?

- Load them in.
- [cops laughing]

So you guys
have any crossbows?

- No.
- [scoffs]

For real? Look,
I'll just take that p*stol.

Hank: So how long have you
worked at a paper?

You ever think about radio news?

I mean, radio's better
than paper, right?

Radio's, uh, pretty cool,
especially classic rock.

The Eagles, am I right?

The thing about news is,

you're only as good
as your sources.

Well, fair's fair.

I mean, if a guy slips you

something good
off the record

and you make him look good
and he gets a promotion,

well, you get better stuff
next time.

- Mm-hm.
- Couldn't agree more.
- Oh, yeah.

And you'd never show
body cam footage, right?

Shut the [bleep] up, Bobby.

Body cams are a great tool
for accountability.

- Yep.
- What are you sh**ting, Mare?

Desert Eagle.

I know it's not
the most practical,

but I can't help myself.

You can handle the kick?

Easy, Bobby.
Keep it in your pants.

Bobby, why don't you go check
on the car?

Humiliating.

Sorry about that, guys.
Dayton transfer.

Dayton. I should have guessed
with that face.

[Ned & Hank chuckling]

- Hey. Let's light these up.
- Let's rain some lead.

- Yeah.
- All right. Come on.

Crushing it.

Nice, nice.

[Detrick chuckling]

I'm bringing cases
on all you b*tches, huh?

Oh, oh!

- King Kong ain't got sh*t on me.
- Detrick? Detrick. Just--

- Come on.
- Oh.

[whispers]
King Kong ain't got sh*t on me.

- Travis: Damn.
- Detrick: Dang.

- Ned: Mm!
- Travis: Wow!

Hank. [tapping]

First Amendment, Second
Amendment, best of friends.

[Ned screams]

- What was that?
- Edwin: That was you.

Unless there's
a second-grade girl behind you.

No, what...? What bit me?

- What?
- Something just bit me
on the ankle.

Jesus Christ.

- What? Like a snake?
- [stammering]

Get your head
out of your a*s, Bobby.

It wasn't a snake. This is
a g*n range. It was like a rat.

A fricking rat just ran out
and bit my ankle,

just when I was
sh**ting my p*stol.

- A rat?
- Yes. g*dd*mn it. I hate rats.

- Ned? Ned.
- [door opens]

- It bit you?
- Ned: Did you see it?

Mare:
No. Are...?

- Damn it.
- Can I just see--? Okay.

Okay. Let's just...

[Ned groans]

[Ned yelps]

Ned, are you okay?

Ned: g*dd*mn it.
It broke the skin. sh*t.

[Ned groans]

Hey.

It was definitely a rat.

It was a brown rat.
It bit me and ran off.

- Where?
- I don't know, Hank.
The rat hole?

Damn it, Ephraim, do we really
have freaking rats here?

I hate rats.

[in Greek]

Can you show us
where it got you?

No, no, no, 'cause it's...

- No, we need to see.
- Sure.

It's not a big deal.
[groans] I'll live.

- Detrick: Ugh!
- Mare: Oh, my God. Ned,
you're bleeding.

- Gnarly, man.
- Yep, vicious little b*stard.

Hey. Don't worry, man.
When we catch it,

you can blow it away.

It would be my pleasure, Hank.

- Oscar: Hey, Esmeralda.
- Yes?

Your piece
on the Rose Street House

is something else.
I'm actually moved.

Esmeralda: Everyone is
talking about my review

of the Halloween House,
you know?

[sighs]
It's a sensation.

"Thank you for writing this.
These people aren't monsters."

I know, they're not.
That's why it's lame.

"Finally, an article from you
that didn't suck."

Someone gets it.

Nicole:
If Mare thinks she can drop me

as her best friend,

she should know
that it's gonna be

a very soft landing.

I had a different
best friend before Mare.

I can just go back to her.

Hey, Lola. Free for lunch?

You got a lot of nerve
coming back here.

- Nicole: I know.
- Oscar: No, no.

I-I do not get involved with the
lives of my coworkers, period.

But things between Adelola
and Nicole haven't been the same

since Nicole and Mare
became best friends.

Also, Nicole's
college friend Krysta

was talking sh*t
about Adelola,

and Nicole
did not have her back.

[chuckles]
So...

I guess you forgot
I like the ones

that you can peel apart.

- Oh.
- Oscar: I like to call it

The Real Single Ladies
of Toledo.

Kimberly: If you don't know
the backstory,

these guys were hot
and heavy lunch buds.

Then Mare gets hired,
for a while it's a three-way.

Until one day, Mare shows up
with only two boba teas

and Adelola,
she gets left out.

It was brutal.

You're a fan too?

This show gives me
a reason to live.

Adelola: It's fine.

Honestly, guys,
I'm gonna be fine. It's fine.

I'm worried that
you lost a lot of blood.

Your foot is like,
snow white.

His whole leg's white.

- Then why is the bite blue?
- Mare: Okay.

"Rat bites can turn blue
with the presence of

Streptobacillus moniliformis."

- That sounds awful.
- Yes. Yes.

You're not gonna sue, yeah?

I mean, still
the two amendments, right?

- Forget about it.
- [clicks tongue]

I think we gotta catch
this rat, sir.

Make sure it's not rabid.

It's not rabid, Travis.

And Hank, ain't nobody suing
nobody, all right?

This has been super fun, guys.
I'll catch you again.

Oh, and Hank?

- Hit me up if you got any tips.
- [clicks tongue]

We have to write this up, right?

I mean, there could be rabies.

You really think
there's rabies in this town?

I have nieces.

There's way worse diseases
than rabies out there.

You ever heard
of the Black Death?

It would make you wish
for rabies.

Kendra, I'm not telling you
how to parent.

I'm just saying, tell them
not to play with rats.

Why is this a fight?

I know that you don't wanna
lose your new source,

but this is a potential
public health hazard.

Mare.

People don't buy the paper
to read about us, all right?

There's no section
called "The Editor's Ankle."

- Yeah.
- So let's just
get back to work.

I don't think we should listen
to Ned on this one.

Uh... Okay.

He's putting the paper first
like usual.

He doesn't wanna lose
his new source,

and he'd rather
let his foot fall off

than advocate for himself.

Why don't you guys go pull
the snack bar's health records?

Okay?
I'm gonna find some rat experts.

All right. We're on it.

Just you and me on this one,
Trick.

[elevator dings]

So I've been called D, Big D,
Detective Rick,

Debt with a B, Detrick,
give me more.

Like, honestly, it's hard for me

to find nicknames
I don't vibe with.

But Travis has a gift for it.

- The Icky-Tricky Boys,
back at it.
- Yep.

Nicole: There you are.

So I hear your mom's in town--

- No ketchup?
- Uh--

Yeah. Of course.

Oh, Nicole.
Fetching condiments.

The ultimate lunchtime
humiliation.

That's why I love Adarina.

She's gonna make you work
for it. You want back in?

You'll be crawling
on your knees.

- Adelola.
- Whatever.

The positive comments
from my article keep rolling in.

[chuckles]

And now I have an invitation

from NPR to talk to someone
named Gross Terry.

He is probably one of those
obnoxious morning DJs.

Should I do it?
Or should I blow him off?

- [shouts]
- Ahh!

- [laughs]
- [sighs]

I heard that you have been
bitten by a rat.

- Yeah.
- What a weird thing
to happen to a man.

They usually eat garbage.

Are you garbage, Ned?

Ned: The universe has no reason
to punish me.

But if it did,
Esmeralda getting a Terry Gross

interview on Fresh Air today
for her progressive editorial

would be an effective way
of doing so.

Who was the real victim here?

Ned with the g*n,
or the little rat,

who was probably
a single parent?

Uh-huh. And why would it run
towards a loud sound

like a g*nsh*t?

You got the photo I sent, right?

It doesn't look
like a rat bite.

How do you explain the wound?

Um... Maybe a Bic?

- What?
- Or a Uni-Ball?

Uh-- No. No.

We have visual confirmation
that it was definitely a rat.

Thank you for your time. Bye.

[call ends]

- Mare: Hey.
- Detrick: What's up, Mare?

- How'd it go?
- So the snack bar's records
came back spotless.

- Passed every inspection.
No rats, no droppings ever.
- [Mare sighs]

Ephraim is really tearing
himself up about this.

- Ephraim?
- Ephraim Nikoliades. Lovely man.

Can you guys go back
one more time?

And just check the outside
of the g*n range?

If the rat
isn't from the kitchen,

where is it coming from?

You want us to go look
for a rat hive?

- Get moving.
- Okay.

Travis:
Okay.

- It's crazy, man.
- Yeah, crazy. Come on.

All right. Come on, Tricky J.
D-Bag Slim.

What's going on with these two?

I don't know, don't care.

Not interested
in the dynamics with men.

Hm.

- Travis: Tricky Diddles.
- Detrick: Stop.

Ned: I really think
we need to get back

to the Glass Club crusade.

I'm not gonna stop
the rat story,

but it is a very small story.

It's probably more, like,
one line in the police blotter.

Because I'm not-- I'm fine.

Summer:
Adam?

- Hi, honey. How was the doctor?
- I'm pregnant again.

No, you were just pregnant.
You had the baby.

I know. And then you said
you got a vasectomy.

I did get a vasectomy.
Remember?

I went to the best surgeon
in Ensenada.

It's next to
the fish taco place.

They went in through my back.
Labrosopic.

I woke up in a bath of ice
holding a margarita.

[laughs]
They swiped your kidney, kid.

No, it was a vasectomy.

I don't think they would have
given me $500

for my kidney, Barry.

- Adam.
- What?

I envy what
Adam and Summer have.

Sex.

- We're back.
- Hey.

You'll never believe this.

There's a lab a hundred feet
away from the g*n range.

Check this out. Check it out.

Detrick:
So Travis took some pictures,

I interviewed a scientist.

- They got hella rats.
- Shut up.

But there's one problem.
All their rats are white.

[groans]
Okay. What do we know?

The rat was brown.

The brown rat bit a man
in a g*n range.

The lab is less than
a hundred feet away

but all their rats
are white.

I mean, if they're telling
the truth.

Okay. New info.

There's a cosmetics lab
about a hundred feet away.

The rats are probably coming

to the g*n range
from the lab, right?

Drawn by the loud g*nf*re
and acrid smoke?

Well, and the fries.

No rat has ever
behaved like that.

- [sighs]
- Unless someone completely
rewired its brain.

Hm. And what would be
the expected property tax

on 100 acres
of residential land?

Hm. See, that's... That's a lot.

- Hey. You got a moment?
- Sure.

Can I call you back? Thanks.

Okay.

So the key to this is,

the rat behaved
in a really weird way.

It sparked my curiosity,

so I interviewed
a rat behavior expert.

Now, a normal rat wouldn't run
out in the middle of g*nf*re

and just aggressively bite
a human.

Have you ever heard of a rat
that would do that?

But a lab rat that's being
experimented on, maybe.

But then we realized that the
cosmetics store is just a front.

Behind the lab
with the white rats

is most likely a secret lab
where somebody...

I don't freaking know,
the military?

...is funding research on a rat
that runs towards g*nf*re,

weaponizing an aggressive
wartime rat, either as a,

you know, end in itself,

maybe carrying a little
expl*sive backpack or something,

or as a prototype for
the same experiment on humans.

Forget the Glass Club,

this should be our crusade.

This could be our Pulitzer.

Hm.

I don't know
why he's not more excited.

Hm.

Unless... he lied.

- Hey, Ned?
- Hm?

This is Ashley.

She's gonna be giving you
your rabies shot.

Since you were bit by a rat.

Oh, yeah. So... I-I don't think
the rat actually had rabies.

If you don't get the shot,
you could die.

Okay.

Jesus. That's the shot?

One of five.

Cool.

That's actually a boba straw
I spray-painted silver.

And Ashley
isn't really a nurse.

I went to high school with her,
and we both did musical theater.

You'll be getting
two injections today.

One is the vaccine, one is
the rabies immune globulin.

After this,
you'll get three more shots.

We'll be seeing
a lot more of each other.

Wow. No idea this was
such a long process.

But you have to do it,
because you were bit by a rat.

- Right?
- Right.

I wish I wasn't, but I was.

Side effects include chills,
dizziness, fever, seizures,

necrosis at the injection site,
vomiting, diarrhea,

increased likelihood of stroke,
rectal bleeding, hair loss--

- Hair loss?
- Also rectal bleeding.

Yeah. That was in there.

All right, all right,
let's do it.

Oh, no.

Sir?

No.

The shots are so large
to penetrate the abdominal wall.

- Yes.
- I like to go in
through the navel.

- Just do it. Do it now.
- Okay.

I mean, it was not
what you would expect.

He was looking forward
to be scared.

But in the end he told me,
"Mom, that was nothing."

So even your young son wasn't
afraid. That says something.

Exactly. No matter what anyone
tells you, not scary.

Okay, if you're
just joining us,

- my guest is Esmeralda Grand.
- Yes.

She's the online editor
of the Toledo newspaper...

- TTT Online.
- ...The Truth Teller.

Yes.

- And I want to--
- Thank you.

Hi. Ciao, America. I love you.

So, Esmeralda, in order to
challenge people's stereotypes,

you wrote about
a halfway house.

But you wrote about it
satirically,

as if it were a haunted house

that wasn't very successful
at scaring people.

Yes.

Do you have any sense
of what can be changed?

Well, allora, at first,

my thoughts were a dead bride,
crying blood,

and maybe a clown
with a huge knife.

But now, I would say maybe,
I think, more social workers.

Okay, I think I see
what's happening here.

My apologies to listeners.

We're gonna have to end
this misguided interview.

Thank you. Thank you, Terry,
to having me here.

Ciao, America. I love you.

Oh, great job, Louis.

Yes, Louis, great job.
Thank you.

Now, if there's any reason

you don't want
this strong woman

to plunge a giant needle
into your stomach,

I feel like now's the time
to say something.

No. I need to prevent rabies.
Because of my rat bite.

So do it. Just do it, do it,
do it. Come on, come on.

Okay.

Just... Can you wait outside,
Ash?

Sorry.

Mare:
Dude, what is wrong with you?

You'd really rather let her
stab you in the stomach

than just admit there was
no freaking rat?

I mean, why? Why do you have
such a desperate need

to impress this cop?

I don't have a desperate need
to impress a cop.

You hit the bullseye
on your first shot.

- Dude.
- You were in the Army.

In all honesty,
when the g*n startled you,

was it the bang
or the recoil?

It pinched my finger.

- Bang!
- [screams]

- Oh, my God.
- Damn it.

You're cute.

- You're really cute.
- [Ned sighs]

- Thank you.
- And you have a cute tushy.

[The Scrantone's "Song
From the Ninth Floor" plays]

Mare:
Wait, what?

She thought I left her out?

I just thought Adelola
didn't like Japanese food.

Oh, my God.

- Hey.
- Adelola: Hey.

I think I forgot to get you
one of these a while ago.

Oh.

Thanks.

Where's the straw?

How am I supposed to drink this?

And we're back.

[The Scrantone's "Song
From the Ninth Floor" playing]