The Paper (NBC) Transcript

Hi! I'm Esmeralda Grand,

and you are watching
history being made.

An ancient oil drum

has been discovered
in the abyss of the lake.

I did a solo
c*ck cruise last week

and came across this
while magnet-fishing.

Now, I was raised in a household

where we learned
not to open unmarked oil drums,

but I don't know,

I guess Esmeralda
didn't grow up that way.

And now, I'm about to unveil

the wildest treasures
beyond your most local dreams.

What's inside?

Silver coins? Golden rubles?

Three, two, one!

Show me the gold!

Oh, no.

[both groaning]

Ugh...

A treasure trove
of little bones.

Travis:
You know, it smells awful.

Esmeralda:
Rodent ivory.

- Ann!
- Uh, yeah?

- Get me Legal.
- Esmeralda: Enervate.

- The energy to innovate!
- [Travis groans]

- And Crisis PR.
- Them too.

[The Scrantone's "Song
From The Ninth Floor" playing]

Ned: Hello, welcome back
to Dueling Pencils.

The only podcast
to take on the issues

that Toledoans care about most.

All right, Mare,
what are we looking at today

from all two sides?

It is a hot topic
on a cold subject.

- Ice cream.
- Ned: Mmm!

I've loved it since I was 5.

What are we gonna choose?
Let's get into it.

Oscar: They have something.
Yes, there is something there.

It's not fully emerged.

But, um, is it fun
to watch a baby being born?

Not always.

Fritzie Freeze is one note.

I've got three words
for you, Mare.

"Fritzie's Moose Tracks."

- Here's two words for you.
- Uh-huh?

- "No thanks."
- [laughs]

Adelola: Ned is laughing a lot
during the podcast.

It's so contagious.

Ned: You do not understand.
You have to have a base.

- Oh, I do not understand?
I do not understand?
- No, you do.

Hang on a second.
Dueling Pencils

is brought to you
by Circuit City,

where satisfaction
is still very much guaranteed.

So Circuit City, they've been
out of business since 2009,

but Ned and Mare's podcast,

they don't have
any sponsors yet.

So I figured
if I create a fake ad

and other businesses hear it,
they might get FOMO.

I think-- I think it's legal.

Like, who-who cares?
It's a podcast.

Circuit City, serving
North Towne Square since 1981.

How do you Circuit City?

- And now we're out of time.
- Oh!

Thank you all so much
for listening,

and as always,
stay sharp, pencils.

Ned:
Beautiful.

Man, Detrick, what a sponsor.

Why did I think the North
Towne Square got torn down?

Loving the podcast, Nicole.

It's innovative. Disruptive.

Thank you, sir.

How does
"head of circulation" sound?

You report directly to me.

- What about Esmeralda?
- Mm.

Yeah. The straw that broke the
camel's back was that oil drum.

I'm just thinking,

it would really help me focus
on all my new responsibilities

if I had my own office.

Maybe Esmeralda's?

Good for you, Nicole.
Get yours.

[both chuckle]

Did I say that right?
It sounded like "up yours."

Do people still say that?

- Ann: You're good, Marv.
- Ah. Get yours.

[chuckles]

This afternoon
we have that coffee

with council member Keith.

- You good for that?
- Yeah.

Is it coffee or lunch,
by the way? And are we paying?

Oh. We have to pay
'cause we invited him.

So we wait for him to order,

and if he gets food,
then we just have waters.

[knocking]

- Hey.
- Marv: Hey.

There they are.

Opie and Anthony.

Sorry, who?

- Caught your last show.
- Oh.
- Oh.

- Yeah. Best room temperature?
- I think it was ramen.

- Good noodle content.
- Thanks, Marv.

- You two have chemistry.
- I think so, too.

- It's... No.
Just part of the act.
- Yeah.

It's two professionals
just being professional.

Did you know that Hall and Oates
can't stand each other offstage?

But you would never know it
from their k*ller grooves.

[chuckling]
Well, you could've fooled me.

In real life, I like
brunettes with big naturals.

Me too.

Well, you guys
have nowhere to go but up.

Push yourselves.

- Thanks, Marv.
- Thank you.

How do we push ourselves?
Harder hitting topics?

- Maybe. I don't know.
- Hm...

I'm down for discussing
something a little edgier.

- You are? Me too.
- Yeah.

Hey, chief. Working on a story
if you got a minute.

Yeah, yeah. Sure, what's up?

This private Facebook group,
called "Is This Your Man?"

"Is This Your Man?"

Where women post about

the shady men they've dated.

There's a local guy,
Steven Crupo.

He says a woman
from the Toledo page

put him on blast for ghosting.

And now he's a pariah.

Ned:
They've got 20,000 members?

And I can't see any of it.
It's all private.

Yeah, because
it's only for women.

And he wants to sue Facebook

and the woman, Cynthia,
for defamation

but nobody will take his case.

- Because it's Facebook.
- Yep.

Right? Facebook has
this weird legal protection

where they're defined as
a phone company.

If we ran rumors or gossip,
we'd get sued,

but we have to get it right.

- To protect the innocent.
- Women.

- Man.
- Oh.

Thank God someone's finally
looking out for you guys.

No, no, in this case,
it's a man.

But in future, it could be a
defamed l*sbian, with a family.

Defamed? Not if they're guilty.

Why would you assume
they're guilty?

Us--

Right? A Pencils?

It's spicy but not flammable.

It is the perfect level of heat,
like black pepper.

- Hey, I challenge you to a duel.
- You're on.

- [Ned shouting]
- [Mare laughing]

En garde! Whoo!

Cool, cool.

I just researched that for
the last few days for nothing,

but can't wait
to hear their takes.

Pew, pew!

You sadistic pig!

Love you. Love you.

Now the jewelry,
the most important part

on my little body.

But you really have to put
all your back in it.

We do Brazilian.

Marv! One moment!

Good Lord! Esmeralda,

uh, when you're done in there,
uh, we gotta chat.

This is not a demotion.

No. Think of it
as a lateral relocation.

With an added perk reduction.

Why is she here?

Moral support.

And compliance.

Do you wanna go?

Ladies, please.

Look. We can do this
the easy way

or we can do this the hard way.

Don't you have something
in the middle?

- [crackling]
- Marv.

- Why are you doing this to me?
- Barrel of monkeys.

Well, I was surprised too.

But I think we can be grateful
that it was not human remains.

It was coming from the cosmetics
lab, so it's not a big deal.

It's natural bones, you know.

Enervate: What's in Your Barrel?

Okay. Esmeralda, please.

I can't lose my office,
I'm a woman.

- I'm a woman too.
- I'm an immigrant.

I'm third-generation,
and I'm on Lexapro.

Once I thought I had
endometriosis,

but then it was just
a little IBS.

Girl, same. Same thing happened
to me, but reversed.

Did they think you were crazy
and deny your pain?

- Yes! Yes!
- [scoffs]

[gasps]
Being a woman is so hard.

Men will never understand.

- Sisters.
- [laughs]

- We are sisters.
- We're sisters.

But pack up your sh*t,
you gotta go.

Esmeralda: This lateral
relocation, as they call it,

it's actually a promotion.

Nicole is the one

eating the stick end
of the sh*t.

Look at her in my old,
tiny office.

It's like a coffin.

[laughs]

I am in the space of a queen,

out there for all to see.

Hey, Esmeralda. Cool setup.

Don't be jealous, Mare.

If you work hard enough,
maybe Marv will reward you too.

We're working pretty hard.

We're putting out
our second Dueling Pencils

in one day. So...

- Hey, congrats on the promotion.
- Thank you.

And the podcast?
Such a great idea.

We are loving it. The fans
are loving it. Thank you.

Fans?

What fans?

Mommy, daddy, and who?

No, they have fans.

I just made a deal
with the bookstore downtown

to have them featured
in their window.

And they said we can record
today's podcast there,

live with an audience.

[chuckles]

Yikes. I don't know.
A live audience?

What are you talking about?
You'd be so great.

A-And also, the topic today
is a little spicier than usual.

It'll really
get the crowd going.

- Nice work, Nicole.
- Yeah.

Sign here.

What is this?
I didn't order anything.

That's me. And hey, if you see
we're on calls, sign for us.

Do you think
I'm the receptionist?

You got the desk.

[camera shutter clicks]

Yeah.

Hello.

- I've got some, uh...
- Thank you.

...pretty good takes
on this Facebook thing.

Mmm...

- Just letting you know.
- Me too.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

After you.

- Now? All right.
- Yeah.

I think that I would start with,

"Print journalism is more
accountable than Facebook."

Then I could say,

"Before social media,

there wasn't an effective outlet

for women to warn other women
about bad men.

But lucky for us, now there is."

Well, that's good.
I love that. Okay.

- This could get
a little zesty...
- Okay.

...but I could counter
that what you're really

advocating for there
is mob justice.

Don't point at me. I mean,
if you're cool setting me up

- with that weak
"mob justice" thing...
- Mm-hm.

...I could bang back with,

"The only way ethical reform
literally ever happens

is through 'mob justice.'"

[imitates cheering]
Go, Mare!

Is that you choking
on your horrible argument?

'Cause then I'd be like, "Are
you talking about mob justice?

Or vigilantism?

Cool, Mare, are you sure

you wanna be defending
John Wick?" Ooh!

John Wick's the hero,
you ding dong.

Name-calling.
Okay, cool. That's fun.

Do you consider Yelp
mob justice?

Because that's also
unverified community protection.

And then Adelola
would play the buzzer sound,

- because it's game over.
- No, no, no,

because then she'd be like,
"Whoops, I hit that too early."

And I can be like,
"Well, businesses, at least,

can respond on Yelp,
unlike on this Facebook group,

where Steven never had
the chance to defend himself,

you dummy." If...

The name-calling thing,
if that's working.

Oh, it's working.

Barry, don't you think
it's a bit boring

to work in the same spot
for years?

Keep it moving.

Barry: It's not that I don't
like Esmeralda.

It's just that my desk is


If I go 94 times a day,
I get my steps in.

But if I have
to move it closer,

then I've got to go
the bathroom

more than a hundred times
a day,

and people might think
I'm weird.

Oscar:
I don't have kids or plants,

but I consider myself
a nurturer.

Especially when people
hit rock bottom.

You can sit right here.

And you can relax now.

Because you're one of us.

Hey. You wanted to see me?

Yeah. I wanna go over
your ad sales.

- You do?
- I do.

Detrick and I aren't
sleeping together anymore,

but that doesn't mean
I don't wanna screw him.

- I usually just export them
to the revenue dashboard.
- Mm...

I mean, unless this is,
like, a new protocol?

Well, it is a new position,
so yeah, new protocols.

- EOD?
- Huh?

End of day?

- For what I asked for? Yeah.
- Got it.

Ned: Councilman Keith,
now you've got your food,

we'd love to discuss
the Glass Club.

You sure you're not hungry?

- Water's fine.
- I don't know,

how do you
just seize a golf course, right?

I mean, it's private property.

The idea is that you would use
eminent domain, okay?

And you would propose that at
the next city council meeting.

That's political suicide.

Glass Club members
are my donors.

Yeah, but park users
are your voters.

Right, this could be a massive
win for you, for our paper,

but most importantly for the
everyday people of Toledo.

- What?
- I guess mob justice

isn't so bad
when it's something you support.

I don't know, sounds risky,
but it is interesting.

Steven had every right
to break up

with those women the moment
he wasn't feeling it anymore.

They had every right
to express themselves

while being ghosted
to their friends.

Mare, nobody's got


Still talking eminent domain?

- No!
- No! Why don't you finish
your $12 burger.

Listen, Steven
doesn't have to share

what's in his head, okay?
That is private.

Do you realize
how sociopathic it is

to make promises to a woman

and then just throw her
in the dirt like some used toy?

He has to be allowed
to change his mind.

Steven has the right
to end it with a woman

- right up until the moment
that he gets married.
- Okay.

Let me get this straight,
women aren't allowed

to have expectations
in your world?

You know who else thinks that

they're owed romantic attention

without fear of rejection?
Incels.

- You're defending incels,
all right?
- That's insane.

Thank you. I'll be in touch.

No, I won't.

- Travis: Jamal Mashburn.
- Detrick: Earl Boykins.

Keith Closs.
Kristaps Porzioiis.

Sandro Mamukelashvili.

Detrick:
Nikola Jokic.

Travis:
Jusuf Nurkiae.

- Detrick: Andriss, uh, Biedrioo.
- [monitor inflating]

- Travis: Dusan Kecman.
- Detrick: Demar Derozan.

- [Baby Sinclair shouting on TV]
- [laughing]

[popcorn popping]

[phone ringing]

[Coworker's sounds intensifying]

- Adam [laughs]: Oh, God.
- [sniffs]

Oh, my God.

- [gong clangs]
- [cheering]

Yeah!

Um... You can't just pop in
without an appointment.

I'm very busy.

Yeah. So I did
a little research,

- and Sales doesn't report
to Circulation.
- What do you mean?

- Sales can request data
from Circulation.
- So?

So that means you... You kind
of work for my department.

So I'd like to take
this opportunity

to request some data.

Where should I put it?

Doesn't matter. There's about


And I expect it "B.E.O.D."
By End Of Day.

As a matter of fact,
let's change that to this a--

This afternoon.

[chair squeaking]

[car dinging]

Put your seatbelt on.

Thank you for your concern.

I just didn't like the noise.

But you're welcome.

[Ned sighs]

We didn't get this upset
over ramen.

No, we didn't.
But then again,

that was a recorded
conversation about soup.

Well, it's a pasta.

- No.
- In broth.

- Don't. It's soup. It's soup.
- What--?

But if I...

I don't know,
if I've misunderstood--

- Oh, or if I have
misunderstood, yes.
- Right?

Because I could have easily
misunderstood

- what you were saying.
- Totally, no, I know.

'Cause I know that
you would never say

that a man's good name should
be dragged through the mud--

- Oh, my God, Ned.
- What? What?

Women's safety!

I champion women's safety.

Not unless it hurts
your friend's feelings.

- How dare you?
- How dare you?

- How dare you--?
- It's my car. Stop talking.

- Stop talking, it's my car.
Stop talking.
- What?

I'm driving, stop talking.

[car dinging]

[gong clangs]

- [tea spills]
- [cheering]

[whispers]
Oscar.

[sighs] Hey.

Do you like the gong?

Frankly no.

- Why don't you say something?
- Maybe I will.

After I finish my tea.

Nicole:
You aren't gonna believe this,

I booked guests
for your podcast.

I got both Steven and Cynthia.

- Unh!
- Yes, perfect.
- Love it. Bring it on.

Good to Great to Gone:

The 60 Year Rise and Fall
of Circuit City.

Podcast.

Hell, no!

I'll just get my books online.

I sound more nasal in this
than I do in real-life, so...

- One, one, one-- One, two.
- Nicole: Over there.

Hello. Steven. I will be
representing your side.

- It's an honor. Thank you.
- Thanks, man.

You look like someone
drew David Bowie from memory.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- I'm really good.
- Hi.

- Hi!
- You must be Cynthia.

- Oh, hi.
- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- What's she doing here?

Nicole: When a man
and a woman breaks up,

I like to see when the man
is forced to sit down

and face the woman
that he's still

secretly harboring feelings for.

Okay, Susan, we'll be in touch.
Thank you.

- Kimberly.
- Yeah?

I have to ask you a big favor.

Oscar Martinez, the little man,
who is also your accountant?

The gong...

- it upsets him.
- So?

So everyone on this floor knows

how great
the Softees sales team is.

- [chuckles]
- To ring a bell,
it's unnecessary.

If you stop it,
I will not forget.

And maybe one day
I can repay you the favor.

I made Enervate
$900,000 this year.

You numpties lose us money.

Now get out of my way.

I just sold 15 grand of two-ply.

[gong clangs]

- [whooping]
- Yeah!

Big deal, lady.

I lie to get laid.
I have sex.

I tell my friends.
I get my points. I ghost.

Well, what do you mean
by points, Steven, because...?

Oh, yeah. Well, me and my
friends have a point system.

One to ten, ten is the best.

Totally based on looks, only,
no personality involved.

So Steven's different
than I expected.

I had pictured someone
a little bit like me, I guess.

But he turns out
to be more like a guy

who would k*ll a neighbor,
with a brick.

- How many points was I?
- No, please don't enable him.

- Seven.
- Seven?

That's actually so sweet,
I thought you'd say five.

Don't fall for that,
where's your self-esteem?

I have amazing self-esteem.

A bunch of my friends
dated Steven

and he ghosted all of them.

That's when I got interested.

I was like, "I can fix him,
I've got that gorilla grip."

Jesus.

So I asked him out.

I thought Cynthia's argument

was undermined
a little bit by, um...

how stupid she is?

Quick question
for the boys and girls.

- What's a "gorilla grip"?
- Not for the boys and girls.

Oh, all right.

- I think we're going to take
a quick five-minute break.
- Mm-hm.

Right after these words
from T.W.A.

[gong clangs]

[whooping, cheering]

- So sorry. I didn't know
he was like that.
- No.

I just--
I assumed he was normal.

Same. Cynthia went in
knowing he was bad news

- and still expected a fantasy.
- I'm not bad news.

I'm good news, I think.

So you should have expectations.
You deserve them.

It's-- We...

We really don't need to--

I need to say something.
I just...

Ten points.

[Mare laughs]

- Ten points. Yeah.
- Really?

I was arguing for 11,
but it's apparently,

it's a strict 10-point system.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Just so we're clear...

I don't mind
being your secret girlfriend.

You're not my secret girlfriend.

You're my girlfriend
that we're keeping a secret.

And you're my secret boyfriend.

Because I'm ashamed of you.

After today, I don't blame you.

Okay.

Are we...?

Are we good?

Yeah, very good.

Okay, how do we get out of here?

- Should we wrap this up, or--?
- No, [bleep] those losers.

- Let's ghost them.
- Oh, nice.

Come on.

[heavy breathing]

[The Scrantone's "Song
From The Ninth Floor" plays]

Kimberly:
We don't need a gong.

I could see
how it'd be annoying.

And culturally insensitive.

We could get them a gong,
if that's what they want.

Have they told you what they
want? We could get anything.

We could get an espresso machine
or a pizza oven?

Power comes from personality.

I don't need my own office.

This whole floor is my office.

Everyone's desk is my desk.

Everyone's lunch...

is my lunch.

Especially Nicole's.

[The Scrantone's "Song
From The Ninth Floor" plays]