The Paper (NBC) Transcript

Ned:
My gut says m*rder, Marv.

And my gut says Glass Club.

m*rder's
a very serious allegation.

It's probably the most serious.

Well,
molestation might be worse.

We don't have--
I mean, it's not a contest.

To each his own.

I just-- I need you
to lift your ban

on investigating
the Glass Club.

You make a good case that
something's being covered up,

but for m*rder? It's thin.

If I'm wrong about this,

then I should just go back
to selling toilet paper, okay?

Because my hunches
won't be worth

more than the worst
toilet paper we sell.

The Softees Green-Value line.

- You don't like Green-Value?
- I hate it.

It's gotten to the point
where if I go into a toilet

and I see Green-Value,
I can't go anymore.

I can see you.

If you're right,

it could be very exciting.

Very exciting.

- [singsongy] Heh-heh!
- Yeah--

We don't do that anymore.

- Okay.
- If you could just

do your investigation quietly,

- until you're 100 percent.
- Absolutely.

[sighs]

Yes!

[The Scrantone's "Song From The
Ninth Floor" playing]

Hey. I just got off with Mare,
she says hello.

Nicole.
It's so nice to hear your voice.

Yeah, yours too.

Well, you want the lowdown?
[laughs]

Uh, okay. Yeah,
no, I have a minute.

So, Detrick is telling Travis

that he's never been
in a relationship.

- Uh-huh.
- So I tell HR that he's lying,

but HR is completely
unsympathetic about it...

Oh, my God--
Mare, you wouldn't believe--

Oh, I'm so sorry,
you're still gossiping.

I'm sorry.

- Will you talk to HR?
- Wait, what?

Don't talk to HR.
Never talk to HR.

Uh, I just don't see
how any of this matters.

I think it would matter to you

if the person you're dating
starts denying it.

I'm not dating anyone.

[sighs]

You know, um,
I have to get back to work,

but it was good
talking to you. Bye.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

It was so good talking to her

because we kind of grew apart

after she started secretly
sleeping with someone.

So-- Secret affair?

Mm-hmm.

W-- With who?

You know,
I never found out,

but maybe if she wanted it
a secret from me,

could be someone from here?

Maybe a boss? Mm-mmm...

[MOUTHING]
Oh, my God.

Hang up on me?
You see what happens.

And you know
what would really help?

is a person on the inside

- to interview the waiters.
- I'm not a member.

My brother's been trying
to get me in for years.

Ned: But your brother's married
to Ann, so... Ann is.

Ann: No,
I've never been inside either.

No. No wives allowed.

Glass Club isn't a place
you bring guests.

You know, you do have
a standing offer

for a lunch there
as a thank you for...

[whispering]
for k*lling that investigation.

Uh... I'm not sure
that was a real invitation.

Well, let's find out.

Ann, get me the Glass Club.

[cell phone 1 dings, buzzes]

[cell phone 2 chimes]

[cell phone 3 chimes]

[cell phone 4 beeps]

Oh, Marv is Marving Mare.

Mare is whisked away
in the night

and given a promotion,

even though
she's the worst reporter.

So, was she sleeping
with the boss? Yes.

[laughs]

And you know what? Props.

I can't believe I didn't think

about sleeping my way
back into my office.

All right, well,
that is all bullshit.

Mare and Marv are not dating.

He's actually in love
with someone else.

It's a sweet
and rather heartbreaking story.

Yeah,
but all the old powerful ones

are taken at this company.

Does Marv have a boss
that is even older?

Yes, but he lives in Chicago.
And he's married.

Does he have a boss
that is the oldest of all?

He does.

It's a man
named Ebenezer Enervate,

and he lives in a tiny house
that is shaped like a shoe.

It's deep in the forest,

but no one's ever been able
to find it.

I will.

- Me and Marv?
Ned: I know, it's crazy.

Oh, what did you say?

Well, I said it wasn't true,

but that's not gonna stop it.

[laughing]
I mean, it's almost funny.

Yeah, almost, but you know, not.
Like Dane Cook.

I mean, I just got a big story

and the greenlight to follow it
wherever it goes

for as long as it takes,
and I can't have people here

thinking I didn't get this job
legitimately.

You can't just hand this story
off to someone else

and box step your way home?

What? I mean, it's my story.

Dan's really backing me on it.

No, that's great. It's just--
I just think that if

people are talking about
you and Marv,

then finding out
about you and me

could be
just around the corner.

- [sighs]
- What if we--

What if we tell people?
Get out ahead of it,

stop the rumor.

I'm sort of tired
of hiding it.

Uh, yes, it's just--

It's still not really
a good look for me

to have slept with
my former boss, you know?

All right, yeah.
Yeah, I'll keep my trap shut,

and if there's people out there
picturing Marv

sprinkling Metamucil
on your t*ts,

- that's absolutely fine.
- Jesus Christ, Ned.

Right? No? Okay, I'm sorry.

- I gotta go. [scoffs].
- That was a mistake.

- [call disconnects]
- Hello? sh**t.

Oh, Ann.
Did Marv hear back about--

Oh! Don't-- Don't--

Don't "Did Marv hear back" me,
Ned Sampson.

Did you see this?

- Why would Adam heart that?
- Okay,

this is a damaging rumor
for Marv.

Are you kidding?
Mare's gorgeous.

It makes him look great.
It's damaging for Mare.

No, damaging for both.

- I mean, more for her.
- Ned.

You know what, the point is,

- we gotta stop the rumor.
- All right, how do we do that?

You're gonna tell
everyone about you and Mare.

- Or...
- Or...?

Uh, you could tell people

about you and Marv.

What about me and Marv?

Nothing, just the fact
that you two are colleagues...

and you're in l--

laws.

Yeah, exactly.

And you know what,
the Glass Club called Marv back.

And he has an invitation today
for lunch, he can bring a guest.

- Oh, my God. Okay, fantastic.
- Yeah.

What time
do I have to be--

He asked me.

- He asked you? Cool.
- He asked me.

[gasps]

Lunch.
Okay, here's how this works.

We work through lunch, they pay.

Really?
And I can get whatever I want?

You can get whatever you want
from Morsel and Nosh.

The best sandwich shop in Ohio.

You've got to try The Clifford.

And if you don't try
The Clifford,

you are officially the stupidest
person I've ever met.

And right now, it's unofficial.

- Well, what's inside it?
- Who gives a sh*t?

Just close your eyes,
and you put it in your mouth.

Mmm. Mmm.

When Todd likes his food,
he makes these orgasm noises?

Mm...!

Mmmmm!

Mm... [clicks tongue] Mm...

Uh, ugh... [clicks tongue]

Ah... Oops.

Like,
I love a good sandwich,

but I don't know
what I'm rooting for here.

[moans]

[grunts]

This guy's not online at all.

I couldn't find
any Ebenezers within 200 miles.

And the house like a shoe
is not even on Zillow.

So now I use AI for this
and I say,

"Find me an old rich man,
spine like question mark,

skin loose enough for two men,

closet full of hats,

favorite TV show,
it was on the radio,

born after 1925.

And you have to put in 1925.

I matched with
a Cornelius Vanderbilt

before I figured this out.

Esmeralda,
I'm leaving your secret team

to go work with
the other secret team.

We're goin' to spy on
The Glass Club.

It's across the street
from my apartment.

Okay. Have fun.

Ask about the unions,
that's where m*rder happens.

- It's not the unions.
- It's not the waiter.

Ann: The thing
we were talking about before?

- Uh-huh.
- Well,

you're off the hook
because I handled it.

- You did?
- I told some people

that I had access
to Mare's medical files

and she can't be with Marv.

She can't be with anyone
because of a w*r injury.

She took a tank round
between her legs.

Ann, that's not true.

No, I know it's not true,
but I told people.

And I was very detailed,

so now everyone's
gonna be nice to her,

and you won't have
any competition at all.

Because downstairs,
she's like an exploded cigar.

[laughs]

- That's a terrible idea.
- It is?

- I mean, it's monstrous.
- Okay, fine.

Travis:
And you, Ann,

- will be wearing this...
- What is that?

...which has a very good camera
hidden inside.

Check that out. I made it.

- Oh, that's pretty.
- Yeah, it was my grandmother's.

She passed away.

And then I hollowed it out

with a skew chisel
that was my grandfather's.

Oh, that's lovely.

Barry: Single file, please.
- [door opening]

[bell sounds]

Welcome aboard.

Okay.

Window's over there.

Glass Club's that way.

- The head is in the stern.
- [door closes]

And you'll address me
as captain.

Oscar:
We all instinctively know

not to talk about the fact

that Barry lives
in Spongebob's apartment.

Parsins: This is just one of...
- Okay, we've got audio.

Parsins:
...our watering holes.

- And...
- Speaking of watering holes,

- can we see the pool?
Travis: ...we've got video.

Absolutely.
Are you a swimmer?

I have a pretty good
breast stroke.

I bet Mare knows
all about that.

- Hey! Don't--
- Leave Mare alone.

- Yeah.
- She's a g*dd*mn hero.

She's a superhero.

Ann:
Ned, can you hear me?

Uh, yes, I can, Ann.

I fixed that thing
that we were talking about.

No need to worry.

You did?

[cell phones ding, buzz,
and chime]

Holy sh*t, it's Joe Burrow.

She's dating
the Bengals quarterback.

That would explain
her moving to Cincinnati.

Nah, you know,
I don't know if it's adding up.

Ned:
Yes, thank you.

He threw 43 touchdowns
last season.

You think Mare's pulling that?

I heard
he dated a supermodel last.

I think it's totally believable

that Mare could be dating
some dumb jock, okay?

She is
an award-winning journalist

in peak physical form, okay?

It's not like he's...

Pelé.

Marv:
I agree with Ned.

Mare could pull Burrow.

- [both scoff]
- Okay.

Detrick: Yeah, it's Marv.
- It's Marv.

- [laughs] It's Marv.
- Marv is, yeah...

Ned:
It's not Marv. It's not Marv.

Detrick: Yeah.
He's gonna lose his woman.

Travis:
Nice, Marv. [laughs]

[Todd humming]

Where's The Clifford?

Should be in there.

No. No,
it's a [bleep] turkey club.

You know what?
I think I grabbed the wrong one.

I'm sorry--
You can have mine.

You ate my Clifford?

I told you to order
The Clifford.

- Why didn't you order it?
- I don't like ham.

- You just ate ham.
- I thought it was turkey.

I thought it was the best,
moistest turkey I ever had.

You just ate The Clifford.
The Clifford is ham.

That means you don't hate ham,
it means you love ham.

You know, I would ask how you
get away with being so stupid

if I didn't already know.

- What does that mean?
- Oh, you know what it means.

Look,
I'll get you another, okay?

Yeah, right, great.

That's just another two hours.

Unless of course you'd like
to sleep with the owner

and jump the line.

Is that something you would do?

I'll just have cigarettes
for lunch-- again.

I told her to order
The Clifford.

- [cell phone dials out]
Carl: Hello, Esmeralda.

Um, hi, thank you again
for last night.

But, um, I don't know
how to say this.

- I'm breaking up with you.
- What?

I wanted to tell you before
you left for the restaurant.

I will not be there.

You know, I'm having, um...
[clicks tongue]

...another date at Glass Club.

More exclusive.

- I hope you...
- [call disconnects]

Esmeralda:
I finally found my silver fox.

I had a phone call with him.

And now I'm not sure
if it's a date

or an interview
to be his night nurse.

- He has a Mercedes.
- [whirring]

Sometimes,
the storybooks do get it right.

[stuttering] Esmeralda,
I'll get your chair for you.

- You don't have to.

[sighs] Well,
I want to. [gasps]

- Thank you.
- [air hisses]

- Oh, my God.
Esmeralda: Marv!

Hey, Marvie!

- [Ann sighs]
- Oh, lord.

How did she get in here?

Nicole:
So yeah, that's it.

I felt
like I needed to alert you

for the good of the company.

- I mean, I have to say...
- Uh-huh.

...no one ever
really complains about Lisa.

Or anyone from HR,
for that matter.

I mean, I'm not saying
that I hope there's

- a change in personnel...
- Oh-ah...!

- Yoo-hoo!
Ken: Hello.

- [Nicole sighs]
- Hello.

- [laughs]
- HR to the rescue.

- I got your text, what's up?
- You texted her?

It felt like a bit of
an HR matter.

Oh, no, what's wrong? My girl.

Ken: HR on HR.
- My girlie.

Ken:
Nicole has issues

with how one of her complaints
was handled by you, madam.

- Okay.
Ken: Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

But I actually don't think

we need to get into it.

I don't wanna rehash it

so I'm just gonna let you two
figure that out.

You sit yourself down, poppet.

It can be a little awkward

when the person
you're tattling on

is also handling
the complaints,

but we have a list here
and let's rattle through them.

Shall we start
with inappropriate flirting?

Sure. Uh, can you describe
the flirting?

Ken: Mm-hmm.

Mm...

No, thanks. I don't want to.

Well, was it with sexual intent?

I would assume so, yeah.

But you can't know
for sure, right?

Because there's a lot
of innocent workplace flirting.

Like Ken and I
do it all the time.

- Not all the time.
- [H.R. Lisa laughs]

Only on Tickle Tuesday.
[laughs]

And it's fun and it's sexy,

- but it's not sexual.
- We know where the line is.

We get bloody close to it
sometimes...

H.R. Lisa: Hm.
- ...but we never cross it.

That sounds
incredibly inappropriate.

It's a gray area, thank God.

[H.R. Lisa chuckles]

You're gonna have to do
better than that.

[cell phones ding, buzz,
and chime]

[cell phone buzzes]

Mare: Well, the rumor
has hit Cincinnati.

Ned: Which one?
- Which one?

The old man? The quarterback?

- Or the w*r injury?
- What?

Well, which quarterback?

I don't know, does it matter?

He threw 43 touchdowns
last season?

Oh, Joe Burrow.

- Why'd you say it like that?
Detrick: Ned, it's showtime.

- Uh-- I-- Okay, I gotta go.
- Wait, Ned--

[dial tone]

I asked them to give you
my wife's favorite table.

Ann:
Oh, your wife.

How do you sneak her in?
[laughs]

Sneak? She's a member.
On the family plan.

Is-- Is that something new?

Uh, yes, uh... 2004?

Okay. I'll be back.

I guess just some wives
aren't welcome.

Marv, there's a waiter
by the bar.

He looks like he could be
Jerry Seinfeld's older brother.

Roger that.

Travis:
He doesn't look like a Seinfeld.

He looks like
an old, skinny Gru.

Detrick: Wow, I see it.
Ned: Guys, shush!

How are you? Marv.

There was a waiter,
Desmond Sandoval.

- Um, Dustin would like some...
Ned: Move! Move!

- [Detrick sighs]
Oscar: What is she...

Why can't we hear anything?

Well, I think her body's
blocking our signal.

Dustin would like to have
some French fries.

Bede: Check his
blood pressure twice a day.

Damnit. I'm gonna call her.
Hang on.

Esmeralda: Come on, Bede,
you look like a man

- that knows how important it is
- [cell phone ringing, buzzing]

to eat red meat. Sorry,
[laughs] just a second.

- Oh, my God.
- [silences phone]

- How dare she.
- There are new guidelines.

Bede: Thanks for talking to me.
- Wait.

- Up is down.
- Hey, hey, Marv?

Uh, we missed all that.
What happened?

The waiters pool their tips.

They all miss Desmond Sandoval.

He lifted the tide
for everyone.

I told you it was the union.

Ned: Okay, all right.
That's all right.

That's one theory eliminated.

So now we can focus
on the unions.

He also said
they don't want a union.

They voted on it
a couple months ago.

It was unanimously rejected.

They don't like paying dues.

No, that doesn't make
any sense.

Maybe he's, um,
covering for someone?

- Or--
Travis: Parsins is coming back.

Oh, man.

So, we ever gonna
convince you to join?

Convince me?

Oh, I've begged your brother
to get you to apply.

We like having friends
in influential places.

This is our, uh,
new Head of Membership.

He'll waive your fees
for the first year,

if that's any inducement.

Luke never brought me up?

Nope.

Ned: Marv, Marv, Marv, ask him
about the wind conditions.

- On the rooftop on the day of--
- It's over, Ned.

No, no, no, don't...

[line disconnects]

Travis:
Oof... That's gotta hurt.

Poor guy. Well, at least
you still have Mare, man.

[Ned sighs]

Ned:
Thanks, Travis.

I was talking to Marv.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, me too.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Yep. Mm-hmm.

Are you the boss dating Mare?

- No. No, no, no. No, no, no--
Oscar: Because--

Travis: Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Because that makes it sound
like you are.

Not to my ear, no. I don't--

No, I don't think so.
I would know.

Yeah, I think that was
a direct verification.

Oscar: Mm-hmm.
Travis: Yeah, you taught us

- about that.
Detrick: Right.

I did.
Thank you for remembering.

It's important.

- So, you are dating her?
Ned: No.

- You just--
- You've got it all wrong.

- I'm not. No. You said that.
Detrick: You're turning red.

- Someone else said that.
- Yeah.

All right, fine.
I'm going out with Mare.

All right, guys,
I got a bag of Cliffords

- if anybody wants some.
- Ooh, okay,

- Melania comes through.
- Mm-mmm.

Look, hi,

you've obviously all heard
a rumor about me today.

About me dating
my old boss, right?

So I'm just gonna make it clear.

I am not sleeping with Marv.
I'm not.

Yeah?
What about you and Ned?

What about us?

New rumor came in
about half an hour ago.

You and Ned.

And they're saying
that Ned said it.

What? Why would Ned
spread rumors like that?

- That doesn't--
- Maybe to shut down
the Marv rumor?

Yeah. Exactly, though,
that's another rumor, guys.

Yeah, but is a true rumor?

No.

There's no truth. To any of it.

Okay? Oh, by the way,
I heard another rumor.

Ned's ba*ls were clipped off
in a frisbee accident.

There's another stupid story
coming out of Toledo.

- Something for your NS board.
Todd [laughs]: Okay, okay.

Now listen, is there really
a sandwich in there?

Because if I have
one more cigarette lunch,

I'm gonna lose it
on your desk and chair.

And a little bit
in your purse.

Yeah, yeah, calm down.

[sniffs] Mmm! [moans]

- [sighs]
- [Todd hums]

- [Todd grunts]
- [sighs]

...the craziest rumors
have been going around.

Yeah?

You're not interested in
any of the women

at the... at the office,
are you?

No one new.

Not for 30 years.

- Boy, it's some view, huh?
- Hm.

[Ann sighs]

- My darling.
- Mm-hmm.

Tell me, tell me.

How old were your parents
when they died?

Ninety-eight and nine...
ninety-nine.

Well, this is
a bit difficult for me

because I've been
only with men for love...

- [Dustin groans]
- ...never for money before.

So I'm on a learning curve.

Dustin,
you know that I could come

to lay out by your pool
in a bikini.

Would you appreciate that?

Not on a physical therapy day.
Call the house.

Esmeralda:
Here, I snuck this for you.

- They're cold.
- Shh!

Carl:
Well, well, well,

if it isn't Esmeralda
and her new boy toy.

So, this is the guy--

this is the guy
that you're leaving me for?

Dustin: Oh, no...
- Please, stop it.

I'll stop it when this son
of a b*tch is six feet under.

- [metal clangs]
- Oh, man.

- Why did this happen?
Bede: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Are you all right?
- I'm not sure.

Carl:
I'm a loser [sighs, groans]

I think I'm good, thank you.

Okay. We will see you
back at the office, boss.

- Mm-hmm.
- Later, guys.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Hey, Detrick.

Does Marv look taller to you?

[Detrick clears throat]

Yeah, he does look taller.

I mean, he can't still
be growing, right?

Yeah, Ann looks taller too.

Does that look to code to you?

The railing.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

[cell phone dialing out]

Come on, Marv.

Ned, let's forget this.

Ned: Hey, Marv,
I want you to stand

right up against the railing, please.

- What?
- Stand up against the railing

and press your thigh into it.

He wants me to press my thigh
into the railing.

Ned is getting weirder.

And I want you to make a mark
on your pants

at the railing's
highest point, okay?

Use whatever you can find.
Use butter, ketchup, whatever.

He wants me to put food
on my pants.

Ann: Is he breathing hard?
You know what,

- Just hang up, Marv.
Ned: No, no, Marv, Marv.

I just need an exact measurement
of the railing height, okay?

It doesn't look to code.

Remember Detrick's story
about all the bribery

of the code inspectors?
I think I know what happened.

I think it's connected. Please.

Please, just do it. Marv.

Damn it.

Wait, hold on.
Oh, that's it, Marv.

- Oh, he's doing it.
Ned: That's it.

- Put your finger in. Slip it in.
Detrick: Yeah. Get it wet.

- Get it wet.
Ned: He put his finger in.

Detrick: Oh, that's nice.
Ned: Beautiful.

- Yes, yes, yes.
Detrick: That's it, Marv.

- That's the way.
Ned: He has to rub it all over.

- Smear it all over the place.
Detrick: Rub it in, Marv.

- That's it, baby.
- Beautiful, he's doing it.

- Nobody's looking at you.
Ned: Now press into it.

Just like that, yes.

Detrick: Yes!
- Yes! Yes!

Ned: Come on.
Both: Mm...

Yeah! [sighs]

I'm gonna get 'em
and bring 'em back

- so we can measure his mustard.
- Yeah.

[cell phone buzzing]

[groans]

Hey.
Now's really not a good time.

Hey. Hey.
We got it. We did it.

I figured out what happened
at the Glass Club.

Did you tell people
that we're dating?

Oh.

Wow, okay. All right,
that got there quick.

Jesus Christ, Ned.

Um... Okay,
that wasn't supposed to happen.

[sighs] Um...

Yeah, so that
was a mistake, okay?

That just sorta blurted out?
And it made sense in context.

I think that you'd have said
the same had you been here.

Well, I was here, and I just
blurted out the opposite.

I mean, I basically
had to swear on a Bible

that we're not together.

All right, well,

I mean, the good news is that

you don't have to lie anymore.

Okay? I mean, we can finally
tell the truth.

Yeah, I...

I think I'm good.

You're good?

Even though it's not accurate?

I'm not actually sure
that it's not accurate.

What? No.

I don't know, I'm sorry.

- I have to go. I have to go.
- No.

We'll, just-- We'll talk
about it later, okay?

- No, no, no.
- I'll call--

We'll talk about it later.

Barry:
I cooked us a little something.

Seafood platter. Freshly caught.

[wheel creaks]

[upbeat theme playing]

I know our meeting
got a little off the rails,

but I do have an important
follow-up question

- for you for your file.
- Okay.

Now, have you ever
been prescribed

any antipsychotic drugs,

or have you ever been given
a diagnosis

of any type of psychosis?

No.

Bloody evenly matched.

Viking versus samurai.

Which is just an analogy,

and in my analogy,
Nicole is the Viking.

So, um, you should be
bloody ashamed

if you were thinking
what I think you were thinking.

Lisa's the samurai.
All that stuff in her hair.

Like a sumo wrestler.
Well, wrong shape.

Well, right shape.
But not for sumo.

What're you writing? [scoffs]

Is this a bit?

A bit? In what way?
Are you asking us

if we are currently
in reality or not?