S02E09 - Who's Marv Marving?

No: 19  |  Season: 2   Episode: 9  |  Air Date: 09-Sep-26  |  Runtime: 25 mins

Summary

Ned tries to protect Mare from nasty rumors; Esmeralda interviews to be the consort of a powerful 90-year-old; Marv and Ann go undercover to help with the investigation.

Director and Writers

Director: Paul Lieberstein
Writers: Paul Lieberstein

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Transcript

Script: S02E09 - Who's Marv Marving?

Quotes

Ned: I need you to lift your ban on investigating the Glass Club.
Marv: You make a good case that something's being covered up, but for murder? It's thin.
Ned: If I'm wrong about this, then I should just go back to selling toilet paper, okay? Because my hunches won't be worth more than the worst toilet paper we sell. The Softees Green-Value line.
Marv: You don't like Green-Value?
Ned: I hate it. It's gotten to the point where if I go into a toilet and I see Green-Value, I can't go anymore.

Esmeralda: Mare is whisked away in the night and given a promotion, even though she's the worst reporter. So, was she sleeping with the boss? Yes. And you know what? Props. I can't believe I didn't think about sleeping my way back into my office.

Esmeralda: Does Marv have a boss that is even older?
Ned: Yes, but he lives in Chicago. And he's married.
Esmeralda: Does he have a boss that is the oldest of all?
Ned: He does. It's a man named Ebenezer Enervate, and he lives in a tiny house that is shaped like a shoe. It's deep in the forest, but no one's ever been able to find it.
Esmeralda: I will.

Ned: It's almost funny. Yeah, almost, but you know, not. Like Dane Cook.

Todd: You can get whatever you want from Morsel and Nosh. The best sandwich shop in Ohio. You've got to try The Clifford. And if you don't try The Clifford, you are officially the stupidest person I've ever met. And right now, it's unofficial.
Mare: Well, what's inside it?
Todd: Who gives a shit? Just close your eyes, and you put it in your mouth.

Esmeralda: This guy's not online at all. I couldn't find any Ebenezers within 200 miles. And the house like a shoe is not even on Zillow. So now I use AI for this and I say, "Find me an old rich man, spine like question mark, skin loose enough for two men, closet full of hats, favorite TV show, it was on the radio, born after 1925. ... and you have to put in 1925. I matched with a Cornelius Vanderbilt before I figured this out.

Barry: Esmeralda, I'm leaving your secret team to go work with the other secret team.

Ann: (to Ned) The thing we were talking about before? Well, you're off the hook because I handled it.
Ned: You did?
Ann: I told some people that I had access to Mare's medical files and she can't be with Marv. She can't be with anyone because of a war injury. She took a tank round between her legs.
Ned: Ann, that's not true.
Ann: No, I know it's not true, but I told people. And I was very detailed, so now everyone's gonna be nice to her, and you won't have any competition at all. Because downstairs, she's like an exploded cigar.

Travis: It was my grandmother's. She passed away. And then I hollowed it out with a skew chisel that was my grandfather's.

(They enter Barry's apartment and notice it has a nautical theme)
Barry: Single file, please. (he rings a bell) Welcome aboard. Window's over there. Glass Club's that way. The head is in the stern. And you'll address me as captain.
Oscar: (to the camera crew) We all instinctively know not to talk about the fact that Barry lives in Spongebob's apartment.

Ann: Ned, can you hear me?
Ned: Uh, yes, I can, Ann.
Ann: I fixed that thing that we were talking about. No need to worry.
Ned: You did?
(cell phones ding, buzz, and chime)
Travis: Holy shit, it's Joe Burrow. She's dating the Bengals quarterback.
Detrick: That would explain her moving to Cincinnati.
Travis: Nah, you know, I don't know if it's adding up.
Ned: Yes, thank you.
Travis: He threw 43 touchdowns last season. You think Mare's pulling that?

Todd: I told you to order The Clifford. Why didn't you order it?
Mare: I don't like ham.
Todd: You just ate ham.
Mare: I thought it was turkey. I thought it was the best, moistest turkey I ever had.

Esmeralda: I finally found my silver fox. I had a phone call with him. And now I'm not sure if it's a date or an interview to be his night nurse.

Nicole: So yeah, that's it. I felt like I needed to alert you for the good of the company.
Ken: I mean, I have to say... No one ever really complains about Lisa. Or anyone from HR, for that matter.
Nicole: I mean, I'm not saying that I hope there's a change in personnel...
Lisa: (arrives at the meeting) Yoo-hoo!
Ken: Hello.
Nicole: (sighs) Hello.
Lisa: HR to the rescue. I got your text, what's up?
Nicole: You texted her?
Ken: It felt like a bit of an HR matter.

Lisa: There's a lot of innocent workplace flirting. Like Ken and I do it all the time.
Ken: Not all the time.
Lisa: Only on Tickle Tuesday. (laughs) And it's fun and it's sexy, but it's not sexual.
Ken: We know where the line is. We get bloody close to it sometimes...
Lisa: But we never cross it.
Nicole: That sounds incredibly inappropriate.
Ken: It's a gray area, thank God.

Mare: Well, the rumor has hit Cincinnati.
Ned: Which one? Which one? The old man? The quarterback? Or the war injury?
Mare: What? Well, which quarterback?
Ned: I don't know, does it matter? He threw 43 touchdowns last season?
Mare: (slyly) Oh, Joe Burrow.
Ned: Why'd you say it like that?

Mare: I heard another rumor. Ned's balls were clipped off in a frisbee accident. There's another stupid story coming out of Toledo.

Esmeralda: Dustin, you know that I could come to lay out by your pool in a bikini. Would you appreciate that?
Dustin: Not on a physical therapy day. Call the house.

Ned: (on the phone with Marv) Stand up against the railing and press your thigh into it.
Marv: (to Ann) He wants me to press my thigh into the railing.
Ann: Ned is getting weirder.
Ned: And I want you to make a mark on your pants at the railing's highest point, okay? Use whatever you can find. Use butter, ketchup, whatever.
Marv: (to Ann) He wants me to put food on my pants.
Ann: Is he breathing hard?

Ken: Bloody evenly matched. Viking versus samurai. Which is just an analogy, and in my analogy, Nicole is the Viking. So, um, you should be bloody ashamed if you were thinking what I think you were thinking. Lisa's the samurai. All that stuff in her hair. Like a sumo wrestler. Well, wrong shape. Well, right shape. But not for sumo.

Notes and Trivia

None

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common locations, such as opening credits montage locations, can be found here.

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Cast

Domhnall GleesonNed Sampson
Sabrina ImpacciatoreEsmeralda Grand
Chelsea FreiMare Pritti
Melvin GreggDetrick Moore
Gbemisola IkumeloAdelola Olofin
Alex EdelmanAdam Cooper
Ramona YoungNicole Lee
Tim KeyKen Davies
Eric RahillTravis
Duane R. Shepard Sr.Barry
Oscar NunezOscar Martinez
Matt BraungerDan
Lisa GilroyLisa Graysh
Allan HaveyMarv Putnam
Bill A. Jones
Nancy LenehanAnn Putnam
Jon LovitzTodd Dumph
Toks OlagundoyeJeanie Lever
Andy RichterCarl
Peter ElblingDustin Bonacker
Russell Thomas