S01E01 - Pilot

Enervate sells products made out of paper. So that might be office supplies. That might be janitorial paper, which is toilet tissue, toilet seat protectors, and local newspapers. And that is in order of quality.

A lot of young lads say their first crush was the old Softees logo.

Here we are, the Toledo Truth Teller, the local newspaper.

If I see a story that's within our subscription tier, "Elizabeth Olsen Reveals Her Nighttime Skin Routine," I just drag it over to one of the empty boxes and drop it in.

The Truth Teller Tower

When we need accurate local reporting for high school sports, we have Barry. He's our one intrepid reporter.

Of course it's not as simple as Mare makes it sound. Mare is...simple.

My name is Esmeralda Grand, Managing Editor. I am also in charge of TTT Online, which is way more important, and fun, and sexy than the print version.

The print version really only exists for people to have something to frame when they are mentioned, which we try to do as much as possible.

Esmeralda: Here is one of my articles I'm particularly proud of.

Mare: I actually wrote for Stars and Stripes, the military newspaper. I was an M1 Armored Vehicle Crew Member in the Army.

You are so pretty. I hadn't noticed how pretty you are. The camera loves you, old lady. The camera loves you!

If any of the users accepts any cookies, their browsing history can be scraped up. You could say that we get more information from the readers than they get from us.

Detrick thinks I'm sad all the time but actually, a lot of the times I'm just tired of pretending he cheered me up the last time.

You are going to get tired chasing my busy little body around with that camera!

God, not again. I'm not agreeing to any of this. Don't you guys have enough after nine years? Nobody wants this!

Barry: The word jumble is kind of a head-scratcher today.

My name is Ned Sampson. I am signing the visitors log, even though I am not a visitor. This is my first day working at the Truth Teller.

When I was a kid, I didn't wanna be Superman. I wanted to be Clark Kent. 'Cause to me, Clark is the real superhero. He's saving the world too by working at a newspaper.

Ned: Hey, I'm Ned. The door seems to be locked. Nicole: Yeah, because I locked it.

Oscar: Another one of those acid guys? Damn, it must be the soft lighting.

I do get claustrophobic. I got stuck in my neighbor's chimney playing Christmas when I was a kid.

Travis: Are you being serious? Because I'm actually claustrophobic. And if you're pretending, that would be very disrespectful to the claustrophobic community.

Travis: I think he's clean.

Mare: Nobody told me they were adding somebody. Unless I'm being fired from the paper. Am I being fired?

You brake, your car tilts down. And boom, the deer will go through the windshield. And if that's a buck, a male deer? That's an antler to the face.

Geez. That's really inspiring for a story with that much nepotism in it.

I don't even know if it's a real paper. I mean, it's some local ads and clickbait with like, four AP stories and high school sports scores on the cover.

Don't be so self-defecating.

Yes, hello, 911? Yes, my budget is having a coronary.

Enervate is Tom Brady, very healthy, very rich. The Truth Teller is a sick mouse hiding behind Tom Brady's fridge.

It sounds like a big challenge. But luckily, I love challenges. That's why I'm so good at Lent.

If that sounds good to anyone, and you would like to talk to me about this, you can find me here or you could email me at SalesGod@SofteesChicago.com.

In America, there is a saying about accepting the things that you cannot change. In Italy, we do not have that saying.

Ned: Ooh! Is it a smutty pinball machine, thank you?

Hey. What do you think would happen if I push this button?

Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm not playing. I will make this unusable. [BLEEP]. Use that.