S01E05 - Scam Alert!

No: 5 | Season: 1 Episode: 5 | Air Date: 4-Sep-2025 | Runtime: 28:11 mins

How would everyone feel about Esmeralda throwing rainbow-colored toilet rolls into the crowd at the parade?

American women are so gullible. Do you know that over half of them die from eating expired food?

Barry: I love catfish.

Ned: A serial catfisher on the dating app Latch has been posing as service members who grew up in Toledo. This catfisher matches on the app with a real Toledoan and then reveals that they are "stationed in Germany."

The nicknames the catfish will often use. Sweet Cheeks, Baby Babe, Cookie Princess, Baby Baby, and babe babe. Also sometimes just baby,

I'm concerned for a friend of mine. She is like a sister to me. She is like-- Yeah, dark hair, tiny, beautiful. She's like a twin. Like, imagine the German version of me.

Adelola: Oh, she so got catfished. Nicole: You're burnt, Esmeralda!

What's the beef with me and Esmeralda? Well, I made a list. She told me my voice puts her to sleep. She told me to put on blush because I blended into the white wall. I dress like I shop from a box of clothes from an estate sale for an old man who died a virgin. That one's oddly specific.

Oscar: It looked like she saw a ghost. Adam: That's what that was.

Adam: I just want to say for the record, guys, catfish are beautiful creatures and they don't deserve to be slandered like this.

Esmeralda: Can you please blow on the part of my hair?

I was an elite toilet paper salesman, and that takes patience. People don't always need toilet paper when you're trying to sell it to them. But eventually, they will need it. And who will be there when they need to use the bathroom?

Ned: His name is Jarson? Esmeralda: It's a common American name. It's Jason and Jared combined.

Ned: You need to admit the truth to yourself. Esmeralda: Here's my truth. I need you to go away because I need to take some nudes to send to Jarson.

You know, I've had this experience happen to me, actually. When I was in eighth grade, I gave my padlock combo to a girl who told me she was gonna decorate my locker. She stole my backpack.

So what? What's all the talk about? What are the chattering chickens clacking about?

Esmeralda: My boyfriend? Here he is. That's a picture of him holding a picture of me.

When there is a group of single women and one woman finds happiness in love, the other single women try to take that happy woman down.

You didn't just get it wrong. You told me she hit her head on a coral reef off of Komodo Island and the dragons got to what was left.

Hey, darling. This is Jarson. To let you know just how adored you really are, Esmeralda. Now, I hope this proves to your office friends that Jarson is real. Jarson is not scamming you. And Jarson loves you.

Yes, he scammed other women. But it's just because he wanted to buy jewels for me that he will bring when we meet in person.

A couple of us are going to ladies' night at Macaroni Barn. You wanna come? We can use some alpha energy out on the dance floor.

Summary

Ned chases a story about a local scammer operating through a dating app and realizes he may already have the scoop when he learns Esmeralda was one of his victims; Nicole is full of vengeful glee.

Director and Writers

Director: Tazbah Chavez
Writers: Mo Welch

Reviews

Review: Review: The Paper - Season 1, Episode 5: "Scam Alert!"

Transcript

Script: S01E05 - Scam Alert!

Quotes

Esmeralda: Pride month is starting. We have to get ready. This meeting is about the pride float.
Mare: I thought maybe gay pride and prejudice.
Esmeralda: It's too stiff.
Oscar: Dungeons and drag queens.
Esmeralda: I hate that so much. Pride float is supposed to be a lot of fun.

Ken: How would everyone feel about Esmeralda throwing rainbow-colored toilet rolls into the crowd at the parade?
Oscar: I don't think that's necessary. No one wants rainbow toilet paper.
Ken: Love your opinion. Oscar, your voice is incredibly valuable.

Ken: I love celebrating the LGBTQIA plus community. If it was down to me our corporation would support gay people all year round.

Nicole: Is this a true crime? And if so, how detailed are you gonna get?
Mare: I love true crime. Calms me down before I go to sleep.
Adelola: Oh, my God, me too. I was like this close to starting a murder podcast.
Mare: I'd listen to that.
Detective Arnold: I'm afraid this is worse.
Nicole: Worse than murder?
Policeman: No, worse than a murder podcast.
Travis: An alt-comedy podcast with a religious bent?
Detective Arnold: That bad.

Esmeralda: American women are so gullible. Do you know that over half of them die from eating expired food?

Ned: So, a serial catfisher on the dating app Latch has been posing as service members who grew up in Toledo. This catfisher matches on the app with a real Toledoan and then reveals that they are "stationed in Germany." After a lot of flattery and flirtation over DM, the catfish drops that they don't have enough money to come home for Thanksgiving. We see where this is going. The pathetic mark, out of pity, or more probably lust-- These are lonely people. --they start wiring money to the catfish. At first, just enough for the plane ticket home from Germany to Ohio, but soon the love letters multiply, okay, along with requests for more funds. The nicknames the catfish will often use. -Sweet Cheeks, Baby Babe. Cookie Princess, Baby Baby, and babe babe, also sometimes just baby, but you should look out for all of them.
(A concerned looking Esmeralda leaves the room)
Nicole: No way.

Esmeralda: I'm concerned for a friend of mine. She is like a sister to me. She is like-- Yeah, dark hair, tiny, beautiful. She's like a twin. Like, imagine the German version of me. So I'm just a bit worried that she could be the victim of this dangerous internet catman.

Adelola: (Peering at Esmeralda in her office) Oh, she's so got catfished.
Nicole: You're burnt, Esmeralda!

Nicole: (To the camera crew) What's the beef with me and Esmeralda? Well, I made a list. She told me my voice puts her to sleep. She told me to put on blush because I blended into the white wall. I dress like I shop from a box of clothes from an estate sale for an old man who died a virgin. That one's oddly specific. Oh, yeah, and she made me buy her son a guinea pig with my own money. So, yeah, I'm gonna hit her while she's down.

Oscar: It looked like she saw a ghost.
Adam: That's what that was.

Ned: Oh, wow. This could be a huge story for us. This could be a three-parter. The Cleveland Plain Dealer won a Sydney award last year for my steps on the cult leader.
Adelola: Ooh! I read that. I blame the dad.
Ned: Imagine, right? The first installment, we just say the facts. Then we reveal it happened to one of our own. Part two, we publish the DMs. Can the victim ever trust again? Then, oh, my God. Part three, are our apps failing us? How can she find love now? Ah!
Adelola: Oh, God.
Detrick: She has a son too.
Ned: Oh, did he ever call him dad? Hee-hee! Four parts!

Mare: We really shouldn't be victim shaming, even if the victim is--
Adelola: A self-hating woman who has way too many serpent bells.
Adam: A really mean lady.
Mare: All right. We got it out of our system.

Travis: I just want to say for the record, guys, catfish are beautiful creatures and they don't deserve to be slandered like this.

Ned: I was an elite toilet paper salesman, and that takes patience. People don't always need toilet paper when you're trying to sell it to them. But eventually, they will need it. And who will be there when they need to use the bathroom?

Ned: What's his name?
Esmeralda: Jarson.
Ned: His name is Jarson?
Esmeralda: Yes. It's a common American name. It's Jason and Jared combined.

Ned: You could help a lot of people by participating in this story, but first you need to admit the truth to yourself.
Esmeralda: Here's my truth. I need you to go away because I need to take some nudes to send to Jarson.

Esmeralda: So what? What's all the talk about? What are the chattering chickens clacking about? My boyfriend? Here he is. (Shows a framed portrait) That's a picture of him holding a picture of me. Look at his hands, like, the way he holds my picture.
Oscar: That looks like Josh Holloway.
Esmeralda: No, that's my Jarson.
Mare: That guy? From Lost?
Esmeralda: Yeah, he was. Until he found me.

Esmeralda: When there is a group of single women and one woman finds happiness in love, the other single women try to take that happy woman down. You know, like, um, in a bowling pot of lobsters, you know, lobsters? Do you know that the male lobsters all lazily accept their fate, while the female lobsters try to get out, but, you know, clawing down each other during the process? They will not claw down this lobster.

Ken: (Outside Esmeralda's office) This is potentially a huge opportunity for me. They say that if you nurse a wounded tiger back to good health, he won't attack you. Eh... (knocks and opens the door a bit)
Esmeralda: Get out.
Ken: (leaves quickly) And off I go.

Mare: Ooh! You look rich in this photo. That is good Jarson bait. Actually, you look rich in a lot of these photos.
Ned: No, I don't.
Mare: I'm sorry. Does your family own their own pickleball court?
Ned: That's not pickleball. It's platform tennis. My uncle had one installed two summers ago, and he is strictly middle class. That was a huge part of his mayoral platform.

Adam: (on the phone) Sweetie, she was a good friend of mine. Or is a good friend of mine. I just haven't seen her in years because you told me she was dead. Well, I-- I care because it's not true. You didn't just get it wrong. You told me she hit her head on a coral reef off of Komodo Island and the dragons got to what was left. It was very graphic.

Oscar: The catfisher paid Josh to make a video. That's how come he keeps talking about Jarson in the third person.
Esmeralda: You don't believe in love! People talk like that all the time. Esmeralda thinks you're all stupid! See?

Ned: I used to cut my grandmother's toenails. Is that a thing? What, she-she didn't like anyone else doing it after her arthritis got bad. I didn't mind. She's family. She'd kick me in the face if I cut them too short. R.I.P. Granny Raz. You sure that's funnier than my ultimate Frisbee team story? How half of them thought I was left-handed when I wasn't?
Mare: Both of them make me nauseous, but for different reasons.

Adelola: Learning about the catfishing today has been a real eye-opener. It has given me the tools needed to extract $1400 from six old men.
Barry: (To the camera crew) I just gave Adelola $300. She doesn't know it was me. I catfished her.

Notes and Trivia

Mid-credits scene: Detrick meets up with Gloria Tornado in the bar.

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common locations, such as opening credits montage locations, can be found here.