S01E08 - Church and State

No: 8 | Season: 1 Episode: 8 | Air Date: 4-Sep-2025 | Runtime: 26:25 mins

God, what's that smell?

Ned: It's easy-peasy. There's a really nice shampoo. Don't use that.

Mare: Ned's water pressure is crazy good. Pushes you around the shower like a little bully.

Esmeralda: Why are there children and mothers everywhere? Is Group C boarding on a Southwest flight?

Man Mitts sales are already so encouraging, we have decided to expand the brand. Next stop, Kid Mitts.

I'm not calling your a**-wiping glove the penicillin of personal hygiene.

My son, Matteo, is very talented. Very Chalamet. From Dune, not Wonka.

Matteo: I was in the middle of a math test. Esmeralda: So what? Addition, subtraction? Who do you want to be when you grow up? A florist?

The sewer guy said there was 50 yards jammed in the pipes. He said it looked like hundreds of Mickey Mouses had been caught stealing by the Taliban.

I just swore to Ken that I'd never write about the parent company. Screw it. My star reporter needs to bathe.

Nicole: Uh... I think I left my bagel in the bathroom.

Mare: Kimbo, heh, was her name-O. How you doing? Can we talk about something? Girl to girl.

I would love to make your favorite, spaghetti al pomodoro and French fries. I'll make them for you. But if you don't learn this, forget about dinner. No lines, no dinner, okay?

Travis: Guess you want my press badge back. Ned: Oh, that's not necess... Where'd you get that? Travis: I made it.

First order of business, Charlie's Angels. Too sexy for primetime? Have pro and con on my desk in fifteen.

You see what happens to these child actors? They start heroin really early. Sometimes they vomit on you. Then they prostitute themselves, yes. He doesn't look like, but he will.

You'd think a fiber this inexpensive would disintegrate, but it can actually withstand a 95-mile-per-hour ground stroke.

Patrick: Hey, are you two from the newspaper? Albert: They said they were big fans of fabric science. I just wanted to give them a demonstration.

I can't sell anything that I don't believe in. And I don't believe you need a wet glove to use the bathroom.

People tend to just trust me. It's something about the beard and soft eyes combination. People say I look like a young Kris Kringle.

Twenty? I moved more units to trick-or-treaters on Halloween and I live in a cul-de-sac.

Mare: You looked like if Draco Malfoy had a cocaine problem.

Ned: I like it. I like being ribbed. You look like Macaulay Culkin now.

Nicole: You look like if bottle service was a person. Sorry, I haven't been able to get mine in.

Ken: Hello, moorhens. Travis: Those are moorhen ducks. How'd you know that? Ken: Oh, I know my ducks.

Try our new Greek bowl. There's always a bowl, isn't there, in America? Everything's bowls with you guys...

Mare: The paper needs you. Ken: We need the sales. Ned: The paper needs me.

Everybody dance, everybody dance. everybody, everybody, everybody dance.

Summary

Mare uncovers a story that pits the Truth Teller against its corporate owner. Ned's past as a high-pressure toilet paper salesman embarrasses him, Esmeralda tries to stage-mom her son into commercials, and Ken participates in a cover-up.

Director and Writers

Director: Matt Sohn
Writers: Ben Philippe

Reviews

Review: Review: The Paper - Season 1, Episode 8: "Church and State"

Transcript

Script: S01E08 - Church and State

Quotes

Mare: My building, the plumbing stopped working two days ago, and it's really disgusting.
Ned: Okay. Did you tell the landlord?
Mare: Yes, yes. It's the whole building.
Ned: God, what's that smell?
Mare: I'm doing what I can.
Ned: It's not a bad smell. If you want, you can go to my place and take a shower-- -Uh, while I stay here, I mean.
Mare: I know. Wouldn't that be weird?
Ned: No. It's easy-peasy. There's a really nice shampoo. Don't use that. There's some towels that you should hang up after-- I'll write you out a list.

Barry: It's a damn disaster. My girlfriend's from this neighborhood, and she's been living in my apartment this whole time.
Oscar: It is true the city is taking its time fixing the clog. Residents are stuck using porta-potties.
Barry: There's porta-potties? Come on, Roxanne.

Esmeralda: Oh, my goodness. Why are there children and mothers everywhere? Is Group C boarding on a Southwest flight? (laughs)

Ken: Man Mitts sales are already so encouraging, we have decided to expand the brand. Next stop, Kid Mitts, coming this fall. Our ad agency has been scouring Midwest middle schools looking for a "Petey, the hasty wiper." We need a little face with real star power to launch Kid Mitts, since Man Mitts is our most valuable product.

Ned: I'm not calling your a**-wiping glove the penicillin of personal hygiene.
Ken: Just because it happens to be owned by the same company that owns the newspaper.
Ned: Yes! Separation of church and state.
Ken: There are occasions when church and state need to team up.
Ned: Like what, the Inquisition?

Esmeralda: My son, Matteo, is very talented. Very Chalamet. From Dune,not Wonka.

Matteo: I was in the middle of a math test.
Esmeralda: So what? Addition, subtraction? Who do you want to be when you grow up? A florist?

Nicole: What do you think the clog is gonna be?
Mare: Tree roots?
Nicole: My guess is restaurant grease. Travis bet me it'd be an alligator corpse.

City Worker: Here she comes.
Mare: Why is the sewer blockage a she?

Ned: Is that-- Holy crap.
Mare: Man Mitts. See how the fingers link up?
Oscar: It's the Hands Across America of sewer clogs. And I don't care if that reference dates me.
Ned: But the Man Mitt is flushable.
Mare: (scoffs) Is it? The sewer guy said there was 50 yards jammed in the pipes. He said it looked like hundreds of Mickey Mouses had been caught stealing by the Taliban.

Ned: I wonder what Marv would do if we publish it.
Mare: If we publish it?
Ned: When we publish it.
Mare: You're smiling.
Ned: So are you, psycho.

Mare: Can we talk about something? Girl to girl.
Kimberly: Of course, Mare Bear. Girl on girl.
Mare: Hot... Gorgeous braid. Is it somebody's birthday?
Kimberly: I mean, every Wednesday is someone's birthday. When is yours, blondie?
Mare: So, um, the Man Mitt. You guys have been moving a lot of those bad boys lately, huh?
Kimberly: Yeah.
Mare: All right, here's my question. Have you guys gotten any complaints that they're not actually flushable?
Kimberly: Get off my desk.

Matteo: (reading from a script) "Thanks to Kid Mitts, I have more time with this mitt. Holds up a baseball glove."
Esmeralda: Where does it say the character took Xanax? ...I'm thinking about dinner tonight. You know, I would love to make your favorite, spaghetti al pomodoro and French fries. I'll make them for you. But if you don't learn this, forget about dinner. No lines, no dinner, okay?
Matteo: (reading from a script) "And the best thing is, I'm not itchy down there, 'cause I know I'm getting everything."

Ned: Nicole, Detrick, Adam, Adelola, can you come see me, please?
Nicole: (to the camera crew) Can you blur my face? I love my Enervate family. I'm only here because Ned is making me.
Ned: You're my hero, Nicole.

Ned: Um... Travis. I'm sorry, but we are working on something that might compromise Softees. I have to ask you to recuse yourself from this one.
Travis: Damn. Okay. I understand, sir. Guess you want my press badge back.
Ned: Oh, that's not necess-- Where'd you get that?
Travis: I made it.
Ned: Oh. Then I might take it.

Barry: First order of business, Charlie's Angels. Too sexy for primetime? Have pro and con on my desk in fifteen.

Esmeralda: (to another mother) Cute kid. Congratulations. You know, I worry about him having a career. Because you see what happens to these child actors? They start heroin really early, like... Sometimes they vomit on you. Then they prostitute themselves, yes. He doesn't look like, but he will. Then one day, they just stab you in the bed, and that's it. Lot of blood.

Ken: I was wondering if I could enlist your unsavory services to get rid of some documents.
Travis: Well, that depends. Are you willing to follow me to a second location without question?
Ken: Yes, sir.
Travis: And a third, if need be?
Ken: I'd rather just start in a third, then maybe move on to a fourth.
Travis: So the Brit means business.

Travis: Yeah, people tend to just trust me. It's something about the beard and soft eyes combination. People say I look like a young Kris Kringle.

(Mare and Nicole are watching an old Softees motivational sales video)
Ned: Hey, Dante, what's good? How many units did you move last week?
Dante: I don't know, twenty?
Ned: Twenty? I move more units to trick-or-treaters on Halloween and I live in a cul-de-sac. You clearly don't want it, dawg. Dante clearly doesn't want it.

(In an old Softees motivational sales video)
Ned: You wanna know how to sell like me? Well, bad news. I can't tell you that. I can't give you the keys to this Porsche. It only starts for me and my fingerprint ignition. You know that wasn't cheap. But here's the thang. Each one of you has your own luxury vehicle hidden inside you. You've just got to figure out what starts your engine. So let me hear your engines.

Ned: (referring to the sales video) I know it's a little cheesy.
Mare: You looked like you, but like 25 percent more oily. You looked flammable. (laughs)
Ned: Okay, yeah, all right. The hair is a little bit... But the look is an important part of it so...
Mare: You looked like if Draco Malfoy had a cocaine problem.
(Laughter)
Ned: Well, it was a very demanding job, and I made a lot of money for the company. So maybe we just go back to the emails.
Mare: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I hurt your feelings.
Ned: No, no, not at all. I like it. I like being ribbed. You look like Macaulay Culkin now. You look like an asshole. It's important we can all make fun of each other. I think it's a really fun thing to do, but that's not who I am anymore, okay? Maybe we can just move on with our lives, get back to work.
Mare: Totally.
Nicole: You look like if bottle service was a person. Sorry, I haven't been able to get mine in.

Esmeralda: Do you think we can play with this a bit? For the kid, you know, he's a bit tense.
Casting Director: (nods)
Esmeralda: Okay, great. So, I am the young man, okay? (sighs) "Hey, sweetheart! How was soccer today?" (gasps) There is a lightning storm! (GASPING, SCREAMING) Oh, my God! I just switched bodies with my mom. She has my body now, and I am the beautiful woman! Wow! (SIGHS) Oh, this is how it feels to have clean underwear? I'm going to spend her money to buy the wipes I need to clean myself.
Esmeralda: (continues) Ha! I mean, this is just one direction. There are many other possibilities. Millions. Millions.
Casting Director: Wow.

Ken: Our warehouse is still half-full. I can't afford your precious conscience. So, by the powers vested in me by Marv not being here, I declare this article canceled. The state has shut down the churches.
Ned: Then the church... condemns you to hell.
Ned: Excuse me, everyone. I have something, ahem, very noble to say. Do I have your attention? Good. Okay. I have to do something very important right now and very, very difficult. We didn't ask to write a story about the flushability of Softees' Man Mitts. That story came to us, and it demanded to be told. So now I must do that which every newsman dreads. I must sacrifice myself for the good of the paper and the community... by resigning as editor-in-chief of the Toledo Truth Teller. If you must shed tears, do not shed them on my account. Shed them for justice, because justice has not been served today. As my final act before this historic resignation, I hereby appoint Mare Pritti as acting editor of my beloved Truth Teller. Okay. Heavy lies the crown.
Adam: Hey, Ned?
Ned: Yeah?
Adam: Let me know where you want me to send your last paycheck.

Oscar: Your mom sure is something, huh?
Matteo: Yeah.
Oscar: Hey, did you ever hear of gray rocking?
Matteo: No.
Oscar: It's what I use on my mom. My mom's a pretty toxic narcissist. She loves drama. So whenever she got into one of her moods, I'd make myself as uninteresting as possible, like a little gray rock.
Matteo: Gray rocking, huh? Thank you.
Oscar: (aside to the camera crew) Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved, but I just wanted to give the kid a fighting chance. Oh, and the little I'm-like-you routine? Don't believe it? My mother was a saint.
Matteo: (aside to the camera crew) That old man's a narcissist if he thinks I'm gonna listen to him over my own mom. That guy doesn't buy my Wendy's.

Ken: Try our new Greek bowl. There's always a bowl, isn't there, in America? Everything's bowls with you guys...

Mare: Your prints are all over the Man Mitts prototype.
Ken: Hmm. Hmm.
Mare: (quoting the documents she has as evidence) "I champion this. Ken Davies. The innovation we need. Ken Davies."
Ken: Mm-hmm.
Mare: "Love it! More! Yum, yum. Ken Davies... Ken Davies."
Ken: I've been blackmailed by enough women over the years to know when they're in it for the thrill and when they actually want something. On with it.
Mare: I want you to let us publish this so Ned can un-resign without looking like a wuss.

Ned: (excited) Whoo! Come on, guys. We got some mitts to sell. All eyes on me. These are no longer wipes for p00p that we flush down the toilet. These are kitchen wipes that you throw in the trash. All right? All-purpose, all-surface, sturdy, ergonomic kitchen wipes. You got it? You got it?

Ned: Sometimes, the best way to serve the paper is by publishing an important story. Sometimes, it's by quitting. And sometimes, it is by selling a boatload of rebranded kitchen wipes. Today, it was all three.

Notes and Trivia

Mid-credits scene: Esmeralda critiques the new Softees "Kid Mitts" commercial.

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common locations, such as opening credits montage locations, can be found here.