S01E03 - Buddy and the Dude

No: 3  |  Season: 1   Episode: 3  |  Air Date: 4-Sep-2025  |  Runtime: 30:06 mins

S01E03

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Summary

Ned tags along on Mare's consumer sting story after Esmeralda tells him a bunch of things that get in his head. Oscar has to stick his neck out in a budget meeting, and Detrick and Nicole play two truths and a lie until it blows up.

Director and Writers

Director: Yana Gorskaya
Writers: Patrick Kang & Michael Levin

Transcript

Script: S01E03 - Buddy and the Dude

Quotes

Ned: I started something called the "Also News." We print it right here, it's distributed only on this floor, and Adam is the star reporter for the "Also News."

Adelola: I wrote a sad story about a woman who owned a pet pig...
(She holds up a paper with the headline "Yvette Stevens, Pig, To be Evicted")
Adelola: The pig was also named Yvette, so that didn't help.

Ed: So I thought, as we're all still new to this, we could play a little game to train our instincts. The game is called "Two Truths And A Lie". It's fun.
Detrick: Uh, the drinking game, right?
Nicole: Oh, I would actually prefer not to drink at work if that's okay.
Ned: We're not gonna drink. No one's drinking.
Barry: Ahem. (Leaves the meeting room)

Ned: Remember, you're listening for the ring of truth and the clonk of lies.
Travis: Okay.
Ned: Go.
Adelola: Okay. I buy a new toothbrush every week, I can't feel pain on the bottoms of my feet, and I once misdialed a phone number and accidentally called Martin Lawrence.
Travis: Okay, well, you don't have that many good stories. So I don't think you would've held onto the Martin Lawrence thing for that long, right? Unless it's not the Martin Lawrence that we all know and love.
All: Ooh.
Travis: May I please see the bottoms of your feet?
Adelola: No.
Travis: Martin Lawrence is a lie.
Adam: Nice.
Ned: Very good. Very good.
Detrick: That was good.

Barry: I once knocked out Muhammad Ali.
Detrick: And?
Barry: And what?

Adelola: (Holds up phone) Okay, who doesn't have any good stories?
Martin Lawrence's voice on the phone: Oh, my goodness. You've reached Martin Lawrence. When you hear that beep, you know what to do.
All: What?
Adelola: Well, the first time I called him, he thought I was his niece, and we had this sweet heart-to-heart about my spending habits, but ever since then it just goes to voicemail, yeah.

Esmeralda: Ugh, Ned is still here. Perhaps he has cockroach DNA. Do you know cockroach? That you try to smash it but then it doesn't die? He turns on his back, you know? That's Ned. And you pretend that you're happy that he's alive.

Ken: What is our Wirecutter? What is our Wordle? We need things which keep people's minds off the bloody news. You have to remember our core audience is people on toilets.

Mare: In the 90s, the paper used to do this section called "Shame On You." We'd like, uncover a business scam and catch them in the act.
Ned: Oh. That's-- Okay, that's good. I like that.
Ken: I've got a list of businesses who wouldn't advertise with us, so you can select your targets from there.

Esmeralda: Ned. I'm so sorry about the disappointing news. You must be very sad.
Ned: What's--? Uh... Sorry, what?
Esmeralda: Oh, because you don't know? About Mare? Mare, the woman whose parents named her after a horse. She's leaving us for the hotel business.

Esmeralda: I will never get a fair hearing from Ned. I mean, I could be the most amazing reporter on this planet, some people say I am. But I could never beat the sex pheromones that Mare is putting out there.

Esmeralda: (referring to Mare) She's your favorite. I saw you looking at her like a dog on my auntie's leg. (She imitates the motion of a dog humping a leg)
Ned: Nno, no, no. Stop that. That is not-- Hey, stop that!

Mare: If you had to put odds on us succeeding, you know, near future, long-term. What are you feeling? A number.
Ned: Ninety-five percent. Ninety-five percent. I'm leaving 5 percent open in case of asteroid, which'd be a shame because that would be a great story.

Mare: You wanna come to some mattress stores with me?
Ned: Because you've got such a fun job, let's both enjoy it.
Mare: Sure. Woodward and Woodward's boss.

Nicole: Detrick. I don't really think of him that way. My type historically has been know-it-alls who don't really like me. So pretty much the complete opposite of Detrick.

Oscar: Saying that work is fun is a form of pressure. Quite frankly, it's giving me PTSD from an old boss.

Nicole: Where'd you get that sushi? There's no sushi around here.
Detrick: Oh, I hate to disagree with you right off the bat, but they have it at the gas station.
Nicole: Ew. When'd you get that sushi? You haven't left all day, and your car was here when I got in.
Detrick: Okay, "The Noticer."
Nicole: Yeah, that's what they call me.
Detrick: Cool. There's a new noticer in town.

Detrick: How about this. I ask you a question, you don't wanna answer it, you, uh, eat a piece of sushi. It's not that bad, for real.
Nicole: Well, there's your lie.

(Preparing for their sting at the mattress store)
Mare: So, what kind of couple should we be?
Ned: Just a regular couple... Not regular. Uh, hetero... Cis? I don't understand. What are you asking?
Mare: No, just I mean, are we bougie, you know? Or are we cheap? Are we too online? Are we not online, you know? Do we have kids? Do you want kids and I don't, and it's tearing us?
Ned: If this is making you at all uncomfortable, we don't have to be a couple at all, all right? We can just be brother and sister.
Mare: Who are buying a mattress together?
Ned: Our mom gets debilitating bladder infections. She's-- She's incontinent. We have to buy a mattress for her.
Mare: My God, we're just a couple, okay?

Mare: We actually just saw one over at Twice Upon A Mattress that looks identical to the StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam, but it was $1550. Would you honor that price?
Salesperson: I assure you, the StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam is exclusive to our store.
Ned: Ah. That's too bad since I'm a sleep researcher and my wife is the person who shaves people before our experiments.
Salesperson: A nurse?
Ned: It's more specific than that.

Ken: I am incredibly sorry about my limp. I hurt my foot last night... (sighs) At my match. Darts playoff final. We won. I scored the winning double.
Oscar: Hmm.
Ken: This happened afterwards. I was mugged. Nearly mugged, for the winnings and trophy.
Marv: (enters the room) Ken, I heard you dropped a dart on your foot?

Ken: This is just our bi-weekly budget meeting with Marv in which we have absolutely nothing unusual planned. And if I am rubbing my hands together slightly, it's because it's chilly in here.

Esmeralda: "MOB-MI-AB", "Marv's Office Budget Meeting In A Bit." Yes, classic shorthand. Ned doesn't have time to read the whole sentence while he's flirting all day long with that U.S. troop.

Nicole: Okay, would you rather be able to speak to animals or speak any human language ever that you want?
Detrick: Speak to animals. No one talks to animals.

Marv: Where the heck is this guy? I'm starting to get worked up!
Ann: Don't get worked up, Marv.
Marv: Ann's right. I'm not gonna get worked up.

Ned: This one's actually pretty comfortable.
Mare: Oh, yeah, the Relaxer Cloud. That's the one I went with.
Ned: You spent $2200?
Mare: Jesus, no, that's for the queen. Mine was like $600 on sale.
Ned: Six hundred? What's that, like a twin?
Mare: Sorry, I served our country. I got used to a narrow bed in the Army.

Ned: If buying a twin bed is what feels right, then that's what's right. Doesn't make you any less of a reporter, of anything. It just means you've got more space in your bedroom to buy a desk to do more reporting.

Mare: I just like being held, okay? What's the point of sleeping with someone if you can't even feel them because the bed is so big? I mean, a king bed is like, "Okay, goodnight, see you tomorrow, hope nothing bad happens to you in your sleep because I'd never know about it."

Marv: No other cuts in the budget?
Ken: No, sir. It is air-tight. Like a puppy in a purse.

Marv: Good! Glad we figured that out.
Ken: I'm glad we figured it out.
Esmeralda: I'm glad we figured that out. Wow, ha, ha! (to Oscar) You're such a little whiz kid.
Oscar: Ha! Whiz kid. I'm 55, but thank you.
Esmeralda: So little whiz guy.
Oscar: (to the camera crew) Okay, fine. I'm 59. You got me.
(Text appears on screen: "Oscar Martinez is 61 years old")

Salesperson: Wow, okay, y'all are still here. Don't you people have jobs?
Mare: We should probably say that we are reporters from The Truth Teller doing a story on consumer protection.
Salesperson: I knew your mother wasn't sick.

Salesperson: I, um, actually hate this job. I hate this stupid polo that they make you pay for yourself. I was too scared to be a geologist, and now it's too late. So get your notepads out. Let's burn it all down.
Mare: Let's get some water. And then we can get into it.

Detrick: So it was hard to crack, but I think I figured it out. So, your two truths are, you do hate camping and you are allergic to pecans. And the lie was, um, you dated a married guy.
Nicole: Yep. You nailed it.

Mare: I'll see you tomorrow?
Ned: Yeah. Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
Mare: Cool.
Ned: All right, buddy.
Mare: Yeah, night, dude.

Marv: Ann!
Ann: Right here, Marv.
Marv: Don't fire Ned!
Ann: You nev-- You never told me to fire Ned. I would've written it in my book.
Marv: Then who'd--? Who did we fire?
Ann: Nobody?
Marv: Good.

Notes and Trivia

Jay Pharoah plays the voice of Martin Lawrence on Adelola's phone.

Goofs

When Barry hears the version of "Two truths and a lie" they are about to play is not a "drinking game" he walks out of the conference room. However, he is later present in the room when he makes an outlandish claim about knocking out Muhammad Ali.

Locations

Details about common locations, such as opening credits montage locations, can be found here.

The "My Sleep Mattress" store where Ned and Mare attempt to obtain evidence is located at 6659 Topanga Canyon Blvd, Los Angeles, California.

Cast

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